[ledz]

I don't understand her behavior of total disconnect when we are apart. She has little concern for what I want when I call or text. She simply doesn't answer or respond as if it doesn't matter. This from a person who is so loveable when she is with me that I naturally have some expectation that she would think of me when I'm not there and show some care or affection, you know, like I exist? She seems to just turns me off when I'm not there. I've been baffled but have no intentions of quitting because she is that special.
So the bells went off last night when in a casual conversation she said "I never get lonely". I was kind of shocked. I had never even considered the possibility that a person could never get lonely. Wow.

Now what? Can anyone shed some light on this subject? I don't know what to say or do. I really care for this person and only want what is best for her. Please, any advise?

[Direction]

Well now that you considered the possibility she doesn't get lonely...does that give you better insight into why she may not be responding the way you think she should?

[ledz]

Thank you "Direction" for your response. If you don't mind the play on words I believe you've "miss-directed" the subject. Have you ever known a person whom you were in a relationship with who didn't respond to your texts or calls and thinks nothing of it? I haven't and and am curious if there is an underlying issue with her personally.
I'm not suggesting that she do something out of the ordinary at least to a minimal degree...am I?

[Direction]

What I was suggesting is that simply ignoring or not answering calls and text in they way you like is not much to go on regarding a personality issue...

If you haven't, probably a good time to let her know how these things affect you. If you have discussed it, then you probably have some insight on the value of the relationship if there is no change.

[eskielover]

First of all, we don't know how long you have been in a relationship with her......if you have just met & you have an infatuation about her & she is just getting to know you.....she has a life outside of you & shouldn't be expected to feel the same way you feel about her.

For me, my life is what it is in my surroundings.....I am involved completely in where I am & what I'm doing & who I'm doing it with. What is outside of it at the time is not part of what I am dealing with at the time & will deal with things outside of where I am at the time when I get around to it.

Exceptions to that were if an emergency came up with the people in my life when I was involved in the other areas of my life.....then they would get my priority attention. But if it wasn't an emergency then I would fit in dealing with them when I got around to it.

I was a career woman....& an only child. There really weren't that many people in my life......when I was at school....I was completely surrounded in the experience & didn't think of anything much outside of that. In college, my focus was on my degree & even when I got married, I was into what I was focused on & was not open to outside issues unless they were an emergency.

We didn't have the cell phones & the texting that make people want immediate responses & gratification like they do NOW......but even phone calls would be returned when I got around to it if they weren't deemed really important by me.

I never think about what other people are doing while I am away from them....my life is involved with where I am & others are doing what they are doing & going about their life without expecting them to think about me. When I get to a place where I am NOT involved intensely with the things I am surrounded by, then I do think about my friends & will contact them or get back with them at that point.....that is when we make arrangements to get together or just talk about how each other are doing. When I am with them whether together or talking on the phone....then I am focused on them......but expecting someone to be thinking about you all the time when they are away from you seems to me like being a bit over controlling.

Maybe you don't have enough in your own life to keep you involved & interested......sounding like you are trying to wrap your whole life around this person & expecting her to do the same with you.....that honestly isn't what real life is all about. Once you have a real relationship with someone, having confidence that even though they are involved elsewhere & have their focus away from you....but are still part of the relationship takes self confidence......wondering if you have a problem in this area?

[ledz]

Thank you "Direction" for your further insight. My initial point is that I felt that this was unusual in my experience. Fact is if I were to ask her to meet me for brunch tomorrow or any day soon, I wouldn't get an answer. Although we have been intimate and have established a relationship it does appear to be strictly on her terms and as you suggest the value is in question.
Thanks also to "eskielover", great input. Oh, hope you don't mind but what is an "eskie"? Any how...I've known her for 3 months. I'm the only interest in her life I'm aware of and we are in an intimate relationship. I see the "focus" issue you raise as certainly a valid consideration. I guess my expectations come with my concept of "commitment". I need to verify what her idea of commitment looks and sounds like. I have spoken to her about the phone issue, briefly, she became defensive. I don't think that it was me..my raising the issue which triggered that kind of response. There has been some trauma in her life which did affect her. How deeply I'm finding out now as I work my way through it here and most sensitively with her. I respect that space which makes her happiest. The benefit from this is quite apparent. I'm going to work with things as they are and grow.
Yes, I have insecurities and not afraid to say so any more than I'm afraid to put myself out there. This is life and I'm giving it a hell of a go...
There is much to discuss of her experiences, mine too. Your advise, your wisdom, is greatly appreciated. Thanks all....

[Flooded]

I don't understand her behavior of total disconnect when we are apart

My husband doesn't understand my total disconnect when we are together and we've been married for 10 years.
He just accepts that this is me and I don't need or want constant company.
Some people are just like that *shrugs*

[ledz]

Thanks "Flooded"
Well, there can be little doubt that what we hope to be about here on P.C. is learning, discovering and growing. I realize that I don't know **** about some things. Like a baby I start over. As I grow I have discovered things like acceptance, tolerance, compassion....are essential to an open mind. And that is what I'm working on. I'm preparing myself for just about anything. Gotta take those baby steps first. Thanks all

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by ledz

I don't understand her behavior of total disconnect when we are apart. She has little concern for what I want when I call or text. She simply doesn't answer or respond as if it doesn't matter. This from a person who is so loveable when she is with me that I naturally have some expectation that she would think of me when I'm not there and show some care or affection, you know, like I exist? She seems to just turns me off when I'm not there. I've been baffled but have no intentions of quitting because she is that special.
So the bells went off last night when in a casual conversation she said "I never get lonely". I was kind of shocked. I had never even considered the possibility that a person could never get lonely. Wow.

Now what? Can anyone shed some light on this subject? I don't know what to say or do. I really care for this person and only want what is best for her. Please, any advise?

She is a healthy person and her response is perfectly fine. She knows she is a separate individual from all other individuals and she's comfortable and secure in that knowledge. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about the people she cares about when she isn't with them. It means she can be by herself and carry her love for others with her and it will still be with her when she sees the other person again. All people can get lonely, but that is a little different. Some of us can't stand being alone because we don't have a good and healthy sense of separate identity - we need others to be 'there' to help define who we are. When we are alone, we can feel like we collapse like a balloon who's air has leaked out suddenly.

This issue is "separateness" and it is a stage of development that many of us missed during development and struggle with now as adults. We struggle with understanding things like our thoughts are only our thoughts and not other's thoughts, and that other's thoughts are theirs and not ours. We have difficulty in seeing where others end and we begin. If WE cannot tolerate being alone, the we assume others can't tolerate being alone. We believe that what we feel is universal truth instead of just our own truth, so we can be suspicious or unbelieving when others say they don't feel the same way (for example, when they indicate that they can tolerate or enjoy their aloneness).

Separateness is something really good to learn more about and to practice.

[Chancellor]

Originally Posted by ledz

I don't understand her behavior of total disconnect when we are apart. She has little concern for what I want when I call or text. She simply doesn't answer or respond as if it doesn't matter. This from a person who is so loveable when she is with me that I naturally have some expectation that she would think of me when I'm not there and show some care or affection, you know, like I exist? She seems to just turns me off when I'm not there. I've been baffled but have no intentions of quitting because she is that special.
So the bells went off last night when in a casual conversation she said "I never get lonely". I was kind of shocked. I had never even considered the possibility that a person could never get lonely. Wow.

Now what? Can anyone shed some light on this subject? I don't know what to say or do. I really care for this person and only want what is best for her. Please, any advise?

I know someone who has a really difficult time dealing with his loneliness while I have to admit that I've never experienced it. He talks about it a lot and, frankly, I just don't have a clue; so, all I can do is sit there and listen.

[Chancellor]

Originally Posted by ledz

Thank you "Direction" for your response. If you don't mind the play on words I believe you've "miss-directed" the subject. Have you ever known a person whom you were in a relationship with who didn't respond to your texts or calls and thinks nothing of it? I haven't and and am curious if there is an underlying issue with her personally.
I'm not suggesting that she do something out of the ordinary at least to a minimal degree...am I?

I'm a lot like what you're describing (except for the relationship part) and, for me anyway, it's symptomatic of a personality disorder.

Check out the thread titled Schizoid Personality Disorder.

[CrazyButSweet]

I am not saying this is the case, but I had a new relationship once where the man just kept calling me so much, and if I didn't answer, he would leave these desperate messages on my phone. I finally had to ask him not to call me so much, that I had a very busy life, and had no time for it. He did not understand why I felt that way, assumed I wanted the same kind of relationship he did. When we were together, I gave myself 100% to him, but when we were apart, I had my life and didn't need it constantly interrupted by his neediness. Try not calling her at all for a few days. If she doesn't get concerned, maybe she just doesn't feel the same way as you do, and you can either accept that or find someone who is more of what you need in that department.

[ledz]

Thank you CrazyButSweet. (Hmmm, crazy and sweet. You don't say)Any chance I can get your phone number? Ha ha...am kidding, yes.
I appreciate your input very much. Thanks. I see your point and I want to assure you that I am aware not to pester someone I like very much and want to like me in return. Would you say that I should have no expectation whatsoever of getting a response to an e-mail? Ditto text message? And if I get a call ( there has never been a text or an e-mail) I shouldn't be surprised that no mention is made of said prior correspondence?
The concern I raise is the extreme opposite of anything I may or may not be doing to bug her.
So I asked the question. I'm learning too. In the mean time I'll be patiently waiting for that same 100%. And I do appreciate that. She is a fine woman.
I'm not sure that I should say anything to her now. What say you? Thanks to all....

[emptybee15]

I do that when I'm away from my boyfriend. It's a borderline pd trait. I'm convinced that he's with other women when I'm not with him because of being cheated on by my ex, so I start to build up my defense walls and I won't call him much or anything. I try to suppress it so I don't run him away, but my mind begins this defense on it's own. I'm lucky he's so understanding of my up and down moods. Try talking to her about WHY she feels that way. As a BPD I refuse to be vulnerable for anyone, as to not give the opprtunity to let anyone KNOW they can hurt me. I guarantee it's a defense mechanism.

[ledz]

OMG! emptybee15 thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for being so candid. What you have been able to do if even for this moment is what people like me pray for. Removing your defenses and taking down the wall allows THE connection to be made. Even if it is just for that moment your words are what we long to hear.
I used to think that such a simple thing..like being honest, is all it would take to find the answers. I know it's not that simple at all. It's much more complex than that and I am learning that there's no place here for judgmental notions. It is understanding which comes from these candid moments that enlightens us.
I wonder how it makes you feel to say these truths in spite of your defensive tendencies. Has it somehow softened those defenses? Sounds like you've got a great attitude.
I am really impressed by what you have said. Thank you so much!

[emptybee15]

You're welcome. I don't mind saying how I feel, it's just that most people don't care or will act like they care just to play games with you. So, I just shut myself down as to try not to feel because at this point I can't determine what is truth anymore. My defenses will never soften even though I'm trying. I have just become so focused on not letting anyone be able to hurt me that I trust no one. I'm a great person, I know, I have an awful, nasty disorder though that completely cancels out everything else about me. That's how it feels anyhow. Gawd, kill me!

[ledz]

emptybee15....Sorry to hear you so down on yourself. If I could, I'd substitute that non starter for an Ice Cream Cone and a walk in a Sunny Park. I'd be glad to pay for a double scoop if you want it. : )
For me it's the trust thing. What would it take to prove to you that another person can be trusted by you? Can you define what that would be about?
I'm trying to understand. The thought just crossed my mind that it's taken me many days to get back here to answer to your reply. Is it (my getting you to open up and talk here a bit, and then not be here for you) the kind of trust that you mention?
I kind of feel it and I'm sorry. Tell me what you are thinking. I'll be here. Thanks ledz
PS: Please try not say stuff like that about yourself. OK?

[Bitsandpieces]

It's a coping mechanism. Although it might seem to you she has always been like that, and she might think the same, it's not something innate, it is learnt. It could have developed in her at a very early stage of life or it could be a more recent thing. I am like that now, I used to be a very emotive, dependant type, who'd break down at the first sign of abandonment, separation, and have learnt from that. I am the most attentive, close person while in the company of someone, and it isn't a facade to cover up indifference, it is truly what I feel. Once apart, it ends, almost instantly. I just don't feel the absence of others, because I have learnt that it destroys me. The fact that she'd forget to text you back is just proof of that: she reads your texts, very probably, promises to herself to answer and then just doesn't get to it- because she just isn't thinking about distance and absence, it doesn't matter because she doesn't let it matter.
I'm afraid I've made it sound horrible, but it is really not a measure of how much she cares for you, it's not about others at all, it's just about her.