curiouser and curiouser

i spoke to my parents today. it's very strange but once i have discussed things with the tdoc i find it easier to speak to my parents - it's as though i think they'll think i'm a weirdo if i've not had things "validated" by the tdoc. i said that this was something we'd been discussing, although i wasn't really sure what to think, even though the tdoc most definitely didn't dismiss it.

i had a really bad day today: i was dreading my parents coming, even though they asked first and it was arranged, and even though it wasn't so bad in practice as it was in my head before hand. then i had a major freakout because my housemate had my favourite bed linen on his bed (even though we share bedlinen as a general rule, it always bothers me a bit to see my bed linen on his bed, and today it was my favourite and i had a bit of an internal freak out).

then i saw that they had my favourite mug in their room. now, we have a load of mugs at the house, and they're all quite similar (they have penguin book covers on them). i've never specified that this one is my favourite one, they weren't to know, and no one had told them the mugs were off limits, but it really freaked me out.

all those things combined to make me so angry i had a cry for a while and then yelled at my computer when i hit delete on something by mistake.

so anyway, my parents came over and i vaguely mentioned that i'd been talking to the t about this: they said they took me to child psychologists because of things i did - and still do - that are very irrational and extreme reactions to things. they tried to tell t and pdocs when i was a teenager about these things that i did, but were told it was growing pains. i always heard this and have been hiding these things for years. apart from when i'm ill, when i have no control over them. so they're things that pdocs think happens just in my depressed/manic phases but they're always there.

anyway, my parents said that even they could list probably 20 or 30 things that i always do, always react to in a certain way, that they always knew was strange but have accommodated as best they can. many of the things they mentioned agreed with things i mentioned, others that they mentioned were really only the tip of an iceberg of what i guess you could call neuroses that are there.

they think it's worth looking at in more depth because i think if there was a way we could even just label all these weird things, it would help to maybe get a grip on it. i mean, another dx isn't exactly my wildest dream but i'm at the stage now where i would like to try to deal with these things i do, to try to work out what the bloomin' heck is going on in my mind, and maybe try to categorise/compartmentalise things. does that make sense?

Sounds like a plan to me The more information you have, the more possible control you gain...and we all know we can use the feeling of control! I think it's kewl that you and your parents were able to talk about this.

Yes, I agree with the "T's" validation aspect. absolutely. I've even gone so far as to ASK my T to TELL ME, "doctor says..." so I can say my doctor said to.... because sometimes some ppl just don't take your own wishes as solid reasons TC!

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i was quite surprised i was able to talk to them but they wanted to and it wasn't as bad as it could be. but that's the thing, in talking i get on alright with them. i definitely have this massive abandonment thing towards them, but i don't feel bonded to them at all. most odd.

Your descriptions of your concerns and feelings and your relationship with your parents really rings a bell with me. It's pretty familiar, because I have attachment issues and what you are talking about is so much along the same lines. I've been fascinated with learning about attachment over the last year and a half or so since it has caught my attention. In fact, I went to a conference on that subject last week. While most information about attachment and attachment disorders pertains mostly to kids, we were all children and as adults we are still affected by that stuff. Adults can have attachment disorders too. Let me know if you want more information about this. In the meantime, here's one article online that covers some of the basics. http://www.attachmentexperts.com/adultcouple.html In this article, a lot of it focuses on couples, but I think it's good to learn and get worked out at any stage of life, preferably before it has the chance to interfere with your future family.

thanks, rapunzel, i'll check that out and let you know what i think. it's taken me 30 years to admit to the attachment/abandonment thing, although i've always known deep down.

as for it interfering with future family, my issues around sex are so massive, and my need to be alone so intense that i think the chances of my having future family are less than miniscule.

but it would be good if i could sort things out so i'm not constantly freaked out by my current family, and my friends, and my housemates and basically everyone

edit:: i just read some of that site. this paragraph could've been written about me: Avoidant adults are uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy. They are emotionally distant, uncomfortable expressing needs or asking for help. Often they do not recall much of their childhood experiences. They are good in a crisis because of their ability to react with intellect and set feelings aside. They can be cool, controlled, ambitious and successful. They avoid conflict and tend to be passive-aggressive and sarcastic. They don't want to rely on anyone, fearing dependency or a perception of being weak.

that's so true!

Yes, relationships are such an important part of life no matter what your relationships with others are.

Rap

i was reading some other stuff about that attachment disorder, and some of the stuff it mentioned that is noticeable in infants who haven't attached was really odd, because just yesterday mum was telling me stuff i did as a baby that i never knew about and then there it was listed on a page. very strange...

i think maybe i should try to make a list of things i do that to me seem a little odd/overreactive/freaky/distressing etc and see what i come up with.