[aqsam]

Like all other guys, in try of improving themselves I am also here, though I am not sure whether anyone will help me or not. First of all sorry for my bad English, its my second language. I am gonna explain myself in detail.
So the problem is I feel myself really awkward. I am 25 years old, engineer by profession, doing a job and also have good looks, but I never feel comfortable when I have strangers around me. I was very confident once in my school. I took part in debate competitions and all extra curricular activities, keeping a balance of my studies, always being the top student of the class. Now I have to tell you a little bit of history that (I think) involves the cause of my problems.
I belong to a middle class family and my parents really wanted me to have each and everything in my life so for my good sake ,after school, they admitted me in an academy right next street (I was in 5th grade then ). I was good in studies there too BUT the guys there were very bad.Because of my good looks, most of them started being 'sexual' to me.They used to touch my private parts and laugh when I was walking or standing, minding my own business.Some of them even tried to have proper sex with me but Thank God in spite of close situations, I remained safe. I was very shy and coward,could never say even a word in my defense.As a result it became worse.I don't feel any attraction towards girls from the very start (yes I am gay), but this whole situation was not fun for me. I used to cry and always tried to avoid going there.But being an obedient child can't say No to my parents. Once I swallowed some pills to kill myself but those only made my stomach upset. I was literally alone at one side and all other boys at the other, laughing and enjoying the things about me all the time. I could never discuss this thing with my parents. At the same time in my school I was outstanding.Those were the worse days of my life.Then after 2 years (7th grade) one of those stupid boys got admitted in my class. Being at the top of the class and a prefect I was very dominant. But I already felt my confidence shaking & crumbling day by day. I was about to appear in a debate competition when in rehearsals, it was decided one of us two boys would be selected to go on stage. So class was called for voting. Though teacher thought I was the good one, class voted oppositely. This was 1st time I felt so humiliated. After some days that particular boy started telling stories about me to the whole class and soon each and everyone was gossiping.Because of my good reputation,and hold nobody could do those things to me in school but some close friends told me about all the HOT gossips circulating in the whole class.I was devastated. That was the day I remember, the last of confident me. After that day even answering a simple question in class was very hard for me. Secondly, none of any of my friends' mothers were working but mine on the other hand was a tailor. Its not that we were poor, No, father was also doing job,but my mother wanted us to have a better future. My parents used to save money. I also felt ashamed of looks of my very simple home. Slowly I started comparing myself with other people of my age. An inferiority complex started to grow inside me.This all killed my confidence.I never feel safe now.Now that I am on a better stage of my life, still these memories haunt me. When I am with the people i am close with, I am very confident, jolly, articulate and good company. But when I am with strangers for unknown reasons I am afraid, not convincing and very bad conversationalist. I know other languages as well but I cant speak when I feel other person knows better. I have lost my focus completely. I want to impress people with what really I am inside but no matter how hard I try, I cant. It is constantly breaking my heart.I am afraid to try new things. Like I used to write poetry,dancing and do photography. People appreciate my stuff when I show then anonymously. But I cant express myself openly. Some of the times I have been very good around the people who are unaware of my history and family status.I am at a better position now. My management at workplace is happy with me but still I am not fully confident and convincing at times. My mind keeps flooded and be excited with new ideas and activities I wanna take part. But I can't. I wanna kill myself. I have this one life in hand and I can't spend it my way. Helpless!

[not quite right]

You are not alone. I often wish I had the courage to give up. I hope you can find peace within yourself & believe that your life is important even if you are burdened & unhappy. please know there is a purpose, and people care