[swood33]

Hello All,

I have decided to post here today after having what could probably be described as a panic attack, being as I have never had one (except maybe yesterday) I can't say for sure, but I do know that I was a bit disturbed afterwards. My thoughts at that moment were about my place in the world and what is the point of my existence. Now I know that even the greatest scholars in the world have tried to explain man's existence but to no avail, so this line of thought just got me thinking about myself and who I am.

A quick background before I get into the core of my questions/thoughts. I am 20 years old, I am a guy and have been diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. At the moment I do not take medication for it (can't afford it, plus it makes me sick and causes me too lose weight). There has been a question whether my ADHD was misdiagnosed and that I am closer to being Autistic. I would say I am a rather intelligent person, or so I would like to think. When I was a kid I got an IQ test and was told I had the second highest in the school. My family genetics concerns me, on my mother's side the family struggles with addiction and self-destructive tendencies. While on my father's side, my cousins all (except one, who happens to be the only girl) have some sort of mental disorder. One is non-empathetic and the other is certified psychotic. I do have friends, I am an extrovert.

Now on to my thoughts, recently it has been brought to my attention by my friends that I seem to have a duality about me, though most of the time is the happy go-lucky guy, but sometimes I can be very dark with my thoughts and somewhat unstable. I personally haven't noticed this, at least I didn't think I was showing it. I feel like I have two personalities, the first (the one I show to the outside world) is extremely relaxed and cool with just about everything, gives to charity, cares about the world, just feel good all around. The second (a clashing "consciousness" that I keep on the inside) just wants to stay away from people, all people, "he" feels that the world is fool of idiots (I in general feel this way, but "he" emotes this more than I do) and that the world should burn (not literally, if the world burned then no one would live, including myself, self preservation ya know?). I feel that "he" is a polar opposite of what I display outwardly. However, "he" is the creative one, the one that is more than content solving the problems of the world (or inside of a computer as I am a college student and my major is CIT *Computer Information Technology*). It's not like I can shut him out. It's a novel sensation to have an argument in your head and act like everything is fine. For example the moral dilemmas of every day life that are shown on the news. When something happens against the social norm that most would cringe at, I pause and think about it and "he" rationalizes these actions (note I am not saying justifying). In a way he is more empathetic than I am, he shows more emotion than I can. Being diagnosed with ADHD my parents know that it is hard for me to emote visibly, though I do try very hard to emulate emotions, christmas time is always hard for me, I enjoy the presents and I enjoy giving, just hate to disappoint with my limited amount of visible emotion...

I know I have written a lot and I am not sure if anyone will respond, but I do feel better getting this out in the open. In a way it's a way for me to document my feelings in a way I can't openly express to those close to me without them being worried and I don't like to worry others I care about.

[Travelinglady]

I'm glad you feel better by sharing. I'm not sure what to make of your "dual" situation. I don't think you're psychotic. Is there any way you can talk to a school counselor about it?

[volatile]

i think everyone has a duality about them. Like the little devil and angel on the shoulders type thing. Though with some people it's probably a little more of an intense difference. Like with me I have one side that's a sweet innocent girl who wants to feed the homeless and save trees and the other is this mean, spiteful queen who wants to make people cry. *shrug* i think you;re normal.

[here today]

Your experience of yourself (or your selves) sounds a lot like how mine used to be. I'm pretty sure I had OCPD. If you decide to look into therapy, I had a lot of therapists over the years who didn't have a clue about personality disorders. The therapist I'm seeing now is a specialist in dissociative disorders, which is another way of looking at the experience of having two (or more) selves. The goal of treatment for dissociation has been to have the parts learn to cooperate and accept each other and eventually they can come together in one whole, more flexible, personality.