7 month manic depressive,BP disorder, social anxiety, identity crisis and formation

I just accidentally deleted probably 5 pages worth describing my situation. The thing is no one wouldn't wanted to read that and there were probably 10 pages left of material to go. Here's a better attempt at brevity, still failing.

I'm massively confused over everything involved with social interactions, my self-identity, who to be in any situation. Lost myself.

4 1/2 years ago: social anxiety panic attack 1st soph. college/delusional thoughts/constant hallucinations->week hospitalization->seriously no sleep for 3 weeks->hallucinations/social anxiety->2 months later diagnosed bi-polar (lithium)-> recovery, sleep.

Life/me: 23 yr old male. See myself as a chameleon personality. Too serious at times, goofy and immature, mature conversationalist about serious topics, deep thinker and analyst, overly self-conscious which as of late led to heightened insecurities. Confidence stems with the health of my social standing and interpersonal relationships. Emphatic, determined and good to be around when in happy phases. In various parts of my life (all of these have been rampant especially past 7 months): mood disorder, social anxiety (short-term memory problems, shyness, poor at initiating, small talk, poor at story telling, inferiority and superiority perspective) BP symptoms (racing thoughts, insomnia, mania, manic depression, impulsiveness, alcoholic binger, phases of marijuana consumption). Recurrent suicidal thoughts, as of late. Troubles with fitting in. Recent revelation of low emotional maturity and social intelligence (varies but heightens during difficult times/episodes). Have been a follower in most friendships and social networks. Socially awkward in some respect. Cognitive dysfunctions related to depression, BP, social anxiety, sleep deprivation, ever changing mood, brain chemistry. Emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive father. Overly caring, loving and been dependent on mother most of life. Only boy with three sisters. Endorphin junkie. Collegiate swimmer. Traumatic injuries. Realization as of late, low emotional maturity (EQ) could be stem of all the my problems but caused by developmental formation from external environment. Low social intelligence (SI), and not high enough IQ to sustain other facets of life. Unable to apply IQ or really SI appropriately.

Sep 12-early Feb 12- demanding and taxing relationship. Was rushed into relationship and didn't have sense to see the red flags that were apparent. Dug into her skeletons in her closet to help her with problems weeks before relationship->caused further anxiety and insomnia on my part learning some things-> she gained trust in me since I accepted her life issues and no one else had dug that far. I was trying to help as a friend at the time. Prioritized the relationship over graduate school. Sleep deprivation worsened my cognitive deficiencies then psychological issues.

Girlfriend had promiscuous past, was well articulate, high social intelligence, well-educated, self-centered, flirtatious, emotionally insecure, manipulative in all forms mu(victimization, guilt-trips,flipping the blame, defensive, ultimatums,lying/denial, diverting story, intimidation, seductive, using sex as a weapon, shaming, playing the servant role, minimization). I put my heart on my sleeve, take people for granted, and she used my once contained but now apparent anxieties against me. Sleep deprivation continued as my anxiety increased through the fall sparked by- continued cognitive problems, her manipulative behavior, my lack of self-control to notice by mistakes and give into her, her past ex's and skeletons started to raid my brain. Suffered in graduate school. My past procrastination and time management were exacerbated. Began to try to form to her personality because I realized my own social deficiencies-> caused further anxiety. Had less commonalities than initially thought. With her high social confidence, articulation, intelligence made me question my own and I started to spiral socially. She flirted and awed at other guys and especially my friends than used manipulation tactics to make me seem like immature one (I was 3 years her senior). She was emotionally mature but mature with playing in the field and controlling people. Caught her messaging ex's. I didn't approve. Again manipulated. I began to question everything. Living nightmare. I put her on a pedestal. I was overly dependent on people for help dealing with this psychotic relationship. Began to notice her problems and wanted to get wins. She cut down my confidence and loved that she was in control. She loved me because I was emphatic and was well experienced with psychological problems since she had a litany of issues and used me as an outlet-->her favorite thing about me was that "I listened to her" . Huh? wow. (diagnosed BP herself, but always denied it but then bragged about it because her mania helped her be professionally and academically successful). Seemed like we only connected sexually and when we talked about emotions. She was caring about all my psychological problems. I went back to my psychiatrist looking to see if it the medication that was causing all this anxiety and depression. But in fact it was her and my own self-revelations. Started psychotherapy again in early Dec. Had a close friend deny and openly flirt and hit on her-->with other flirtation with my friends->distanced myself from friendships.

With my low EQ, BP, society was unable to deal with this complex relationship and these myriad of issues. Didn't trust her, but in rational retrospect, was right in my assumptions after seeing she used me as a rebound after her ex cheated on her and went through several bf's back to back. I was the next guy to carry her into next stage. I was sleep deprived from October-Feb. And my anxiety was sustained even when she went away for three weeks in Jan. Eventually broke up with her because I was losing my mind after she pushed me away, manipulated me in all forms again, and I started to stick up for myself and deal with her bs. Stupidly took her back the day after the breakup. Was able to nap for first time in four months day of breakup but after bringing her back. Didn't have self-control and forgave her after she only admitted to "controlling" the relationship but didn't reveal details. Gave into her sexual seduction. Experienced suicidal thoughts and anxiety skyrocketed because I immediately regretted what I had done. 5 days after breakup, broke up with her again, and broke down, balling, crying because I stupidly felt like I had to tell her what I was feeling. She saw a chance to gain control and be motherly figure. In fact, second girlfriend that said I don't want to be your mother. She like the control but I said I can't be with you and need to repair myself.

Revenge was all over the place from her the next month from her. I had crippling obsessive thoughts about her from Feb. until May where they heightened during anxiety provoking times. My emotions about her were all over the place post breakup and not matter my rationalization that I would never want to be with a person like that, my obsession never ceased. 2 weeks of final projects and papers in late April led to overly obsessive and suicidal thoughts.>>>In late March my Dr. agreed to ween off Lithium because it was no longer therapeutic and introduced trileptal and thyroid medicine. 2 1/2 weeks ago got on Zoloft because depression was at an all-time low, mostly from situation and life revelations, regrets, negative thinking, poor performance socially in school and outside of school. Obsessive thoughts about ex decreased but still daily thoughts. The effects of zoloft were skewed because of high levels of stress, continued cognitive problems, depression, lack of sleep from the final papers and projects. Post-projects, and more sunshine, mania increase last week to a concern to both doctors and family members. Emotions and mood changing on hourly to daily basis from own mental battles, situational factors and brain chemistry. Taken off Zoloft last Friday. Mania decreased.

Psychotherapy sessions were absent April because of the other Dr.'s time conflicts. From Nov.-May, began to explore my problems and became obsessed looking to solve all my life problems. 20-25 different sources of self-improvement and brain changing, Buddhisht thinking, ways to slow the brain momentum, really anything i could get my hands on to help find solutions to psychological and life problems. I'm overwhelming myself but my knowledge in the field is immense but its really not getting me anywhere. Like is all of this a Phoenix rising process. I thought that was for 2-3 days but another huge social fail or anxiety attack drove me back into the deep trenches of anxiety, depression and the whole family of depression symptoms: self doubt, negative thinking, the whole bit. But I think that all of this stuff on here and what's going in is like quarter life crisis because I realize everything little thing that has gone wrong but my mental and emotional motivation isn't allowing me to progress because I've lost who I am and have dug myself into such a deep whole...I'm really sabotaging my somewhat priveleged life and I can't seem to help myself from my continuing pushing of all the dominoes. Like now, I just missed my final take home exam deadline at 12 pm; its a four page paper, and have only written a paragraph and don't have the mental capacity or motivation anymore to finish it. Ugghh..

Continue to see how I was as a person and did not like who I was but unable to get a hold of myself to redirect and reform my life. Difficult to know who I am as person and the several personalities that I hold all have deep-rooted fallacies, I think. When I'm stable and on my game/confidence high, I have better control of myself and have a lot social wins. Past 7 months have been a nightmare and have considered but have decided not to hospitalizae myself because I know the questions and answers and how I got to where I am in my life. I struggle in every social interaction and conversation because of the continued cognitive issues, depression, anxiety, but mainly I think because I don't know who I am, what was good about my past, why everyone else seems to have passed me socially and in emotional maturity continually and years ago and now as my friends and family members have seen, I'm a basketcase and emotional mess. Dr.'s say its the medication, people give wisdom and tips of advice, I have plagued my friendships for erractiness and always laying down the emotional talks. Psychotherapy isn't working because I've done psychotherapy in my head since the breakup and believe I know what has gone wrong and what needs to happen in the future. I have done bikram yoga, eaten healthy, exercise 2-3 times daily, cut down on my drinking, eliminated smoking. Still I have problems with everything.

I know why I do but go ahead anyways writing all this stupid stuff down because it doesn't change anything. But I need someone to say, "hey, I got this I know what you need to do". I think I need a comprehensive wellness program or something, maybe a retreat. I don't have the money because of my low social intelligence, emotional maturity I steer away from jobs that require more attention, and especially now because I can barely write down a sentence on an academic paper that sounds coherent. A simple 2 page paper may take me 7 hours. Ridiculous. People's perception of me has been poor in the past and in the past 7 months it has been even worse. I have seen that my past friendships, and family have developed my personality but I don't like who I was and have now try to distance myself away from them because I have seen their fallacies and low emotional maturity. I've also lost interests in almost everything. In my relationship, my own inferiority perse left me with not enjoying my interests but now watching the news, sports, reading books in order to be better off socially which increases my anxiety because that's not how the way it should be and my cognitive fallacies aren't up to par to even remember these small details.


Everything appears to be a vicious cycle after vicious cycle in every aspect of my life. Also forgot, that with my almost 24 years of age, anyone I meet, especially at new jobs believes I'm 18-19 years old. Yes, I have a younger face, but I also believe that my emotional immaturity and sometimes manic verbal behavior has led to these assumptions. Also as of late, it has happened again. I just picked up a bussing job and am being ordered around by a 19 and 21 year old who thought I was 18 because I give a young impression. Probably too because of my poor communication skills, bad articulation, annunciation, low-self esteem, inability to be quick mentally because its been 7 months of hell. My sarcastic humor and ability to joke was ok in the past but now has diminished too. I'm lost. All of the past is the past. I know all the quotes and the sayings about moving forward yada yada. But the past is so real and I know why I did so many things wrong and why I have a tough time making friendship and maintaining friendships. I just don't know where to go from here. I've sabotaged my life and lost who I was as a person. I know I have it better than millions of people out there and should be grateful. My emotional mind has taken over my cognitive mind and I can't get back in control of it. Even if I did I wouldn't know what to do next. This is only a slice of the millions of thoughts and revelations that have gone through my brain. The details are left out so this may seem confusing in vague. But please help

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Honestly, I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. I know you don't want to hear this comment, but you are still young, and you have plenty of time to grow emotionally and to work on your emotional intelligence.

I know you said you'd already done therapy "in your head," but none of us are capable of totally understanding ourselves. I suggest you do find a counselor to get more insight into your issues.

Please talk to your professors about your problems. Maybe they will cut you some slack and all won't be lost.

It isn't easy being bipolar. I know, because I am, too. But that's the hand we have been dealt.

We just have to start where we are and go from there. I assume you learned from your experience with the young woman. I guess you know she was not healthy for you. As you work on your issues, you will likely be able to attract healthier woman. Seek friendship first.

As you go along, I suggest you post in other forums such as the interpersonal relationship one. Perhaps the folks there can help you to make decisions and to get out socially in a healthier way. We can also provide friendships here.

All is not lost. Okay?

Thank you Payne1 for your response and your time for reading through this craziness. Craziness is probably not an appropriate term but in retrospect I'm surprised of what I read even though its still all real and accurate. You're right I have to accept and be less harsh about my past. I am a hypocrite sometimes and say the same thing to people "I know you wont like this but..." Seems like once in a while concise advice helps a lot and gets through the day and mood stage. I will consider what I post and where Ill post in the future. Thanks again. All the best