[joshua_b]

Please, please help. I was always afraid of this disorder ever since I first got PTSD and now I seriously think I have it. I have not received a diagnosis but I know for sure I have it. Here is my problem.

I have depression and PTSD, and the PTSD causes multiple personalities due to memory difficulties from trauma.

Personality #1: Pre-trauma personality: silly, childish, somewhat sensitive, quiet and non-talkative because of mild depression and social anxiety

Personality #2: Post-trauma caused personality issues and now I keep going to this personality: non-silly, dark, quiet, serious, very sensitive, romantic (desperate for girlfriend makes me romantic) and non-talkative because of major depression and social anxiety.

I also tried about 2 or 3 other personalities but only these 2 above have really stuck.

Basically, I try new personalities because I think others will like me more that way. Or, as what happened recently, I try a new personality because I think that's what a certain girl will like more.

Here's the problem: I decide to stick to #1 because it was my true personality and that's how people know me. Also, it makes me feel happier when I want to overcome my problems because it's a positive personality. Now I'm going to use an example of what happened today that made #2 come back. I have said some dumb things to a girl I like and even though she has forgiven me of them after I apologized I feel like she secretly, permanently hates me for them. After concluding this, I get to a depressed self pity mode and transition to #2, and I can't fight it because the depression is too strong. Then I really sink into that personality until I get sick of it, then when I am sick of it, that's when I go back to #1.

I think, "her ex was a really caring, serious person that was really sensitive. She also had a crush on a guy just like that. I must be this way or else she'll think I'm the worst person ever and won't like me. This CANNOT happen." So I shift to that personality. It's very difficult to deal with this. There have been times where I thought she liked me a lot, and I became very happy so I went into #1 and got very serious with it. Then, based on her actions and things she was saying, I assumed she didn't like me and instantly fell into a huge pit of depression and lost all hope. That's when I want to change personalities to get her to like me.

I really hate all of this. I don't want to be 2 faced, or 3 faced, or whatever. I want to be myself but I'm not sure how to not give in to the personality changes I desire. I think, "I need to stop this silly, childish personality. The only way this will work is if I overcome social anxiety so that I'm at least social to go along with it. Girls don't like this. They want a dark, mysterious personality if the person is going to be non-social. Not a mix. I'll be good at that personality since I have depression and social anxiety."

In conclusion, I feel like #1 conflicts with my social anxiety. I'm outgoing and fun to be around, but I'm not talkative around people I don't know very well because of social anxiety. This makes me feel like my personality conflicts, so I change it so that it is no longer conflicting. Then I change it to #2, so that my quietness and social anxiety matches my seriousness and sensitivity. Then I get really depressed and feel like I need to escape from it, so I switch to personality #1.

This is so overwhelming for me. My mind is all over the place and I have so much to deal with in life along with this. I just can't stop this. I need to fight personality #2 but I always give in to it. I need to start living in my own world rather than caring what everyone thinks but I am having trouble doing this. I feel like "I don't deserve to be happy. There's nothing to be happy about. Nothing to be positive about, so why am I on personality #1? I'll switch back to that when I have something to be happy about. Time for personality #2."

I am consider seeing a therapist soon. This is becoming a huge problem. Please give advice.

[here today]

I went to generalist therapists for years before a friend recommended that I see one who specializes in trauma. That has made a big difference for me. If this is becoming a huge problem for you, then yes, seeing a therapist is a good idea, but to avoid wasting your time or possibly making things work, I recommend that you try to find someone who specializes in trauma.