[razeljenny]

Just knowing I have them. Just knowing that mostly there are under control. The knowledge that I live comfortably with them staying inside of my head, is good.

The other night, (I just got on a mania med that was brand new to me) I had a cosmic change. In other words the potency of the meds got my concious awareness confused so that I was not aware of the difference between the inside and the outside. So the inside got out for freedom. This inside is "The Gypsy Fortune Teller," She is more intimidating of most of my 20 personalities. I may be able to name some more but lets say 20.

I feel like crap. I need reaffirming. I just lost a friend, this time. I can't change what occured. No one was physically hurt, yet this friend was tramatized indeed. He is not emotionally well, beings that he is sick himself with addiction recovery, but in no way able to deal with "The Fortune-Teller Gypsy," so now I don't have him for a friend anymore.

I feel so crummy. Yes the medicine is working all right now, but man, It costed me. I wish I wouldn't have visited my friend that night, and can't go back in time to change anything.
To no avail did my explanations work.

If I go around there, there could be legal trouble, for what they can call stalking, for he will not answer the phone and when I visited and knocked he would not open the door.

boy of boy, how I feel bad bad bad. I feel bad

[dtcoyle]

Hi Razeljenny. Are these personalities completely out of your control? Are you sometimes able to supress them when they try to take the spotlight? I've never met anyone with mulitple personalities. The variations of humaness never ceases to amaze...

I guess at least we can say we add color to the world. Imagine a world where everyone was "perfect".

[razeljenny]

except for that Friday night (because of medicine adjusting) I don't have a problem with one of the intimading almost crude rude and boundery cutting ones comming forth. I haven't had that for atleat 4 years.

I have other rotten ones that don't get out except when stress is highest and not seen (I have ways of controling stress for past 4 years, that I put into action, but prior to that was another story) I have the mobster, the biker dude, the biker *****, the mucho man, the sad child, the street wise prostute, the angery housewife, the man hater, the shoplifter, the tattle taler, the lier, the angry maid, the madien in distress, the police officer, the school teacher, the shrink, the doctor, the nurse, the scientist, the famous person, the english woman, the englishman, the old bag lady, the cat, the bird, the preacher, the mystic, the southern white girl, the negro slave woman, the street smart afroamerican, the mexican amigo, the guarden angel, the angry husband wife beater, the taxi driver, the postman, the music director, the president of the United States, the diplomat for Iraq, and diplomat for Us., the dog catcher. I vividly get them and am them, but as long as they are staying inside, it makes me happy. They used to really come out alot. The lesser ones do come out but get put back away just as soon as I catch them which is fast, but I did not catch "gypsy fortune teller, not at all, for she held the floor for atleast half a day that friday evening[ about 13 hours or so] so sad so so sad.

[dtcoyle]

Wow. You have some serious creative potential! Have you ever tried channeling that into art of any kind? I believe my depression (though I havn't experienced much lately) gives me a creative boost in writting guitar peices. My music is usually strange and dark but I love it anyways, it's real. Its real life expression. I wonder how your paintings or stories might turn out if you gave it a try?

[nothemama8]

razeljenny, are you having DID episodes?
Have seen a T or pdoc

[razeljenny]

What's DID? Never heard of it. I know that they stay inside but came out because of a new medicine and it was too bad, I wasn't by myself so no one would see be "Crazyier than a Loon," Know what I mean. She hasn''t come out for years in a real social setting. Maybe by myself by choice for private reasons, but my will power has been choosy enough to not let her out just to anyone for any reason at all. It was the meds changing my consciousness, because normally I keep inside, what I know needs to stay there. I like everyone in the world have fanticies and usually keep them inside pretty easily. Yea I am a art student as well as a journalist to be going to community college. I do have potential but this really made me drop to my knees in humility and shame. Beside, He will never speak to me ever again to protect himself from harmful types. One time (being harmed is good enough reason to foreveer avoid a person, and actually I don't blame him one bit, because if I was basically normal I wouldn't put up with it either. I stil feel so rotten and wish I could turn back time. Know what I mean? All my friends are being real supportive, I have to keep the story to myself most of the time for sanity sake and maybe community Gossip. It is hard for me to control the impulse. I quite enjoy others to feel sorry for me and that is a shame. I wish I could grow up. Oh good bye.

[(JD)]

DID is dissociative identity disorder... the newer term for what used to be called multiple personality disorder. We have a dissociative disorder forum here (DD forum) and you might read in that forum and identify with more of what is written there?

TC