need help -badly

Hi everyone. First post.
Maybe this place will help me, I dunno. What follows is stuff I've never said to anyone - for different reasons, its just not been advisable or helpful for me to say it. Trust, intimacy, all that kinda stuff.....never had anyone fully, totally on my side.

I'm 44. I've never had a job, beyond a little part time stuff for a few months here and there, that never worked out. I've only had two relationships of any duration - for two years, 16-18 and for 18 months, many years ago.

I have no friends, I've almost spoken to no one for the last 5 years, apart from shops, telephone, with strangers etc. and it horrifies me to think all that time has just gone. Gone. My life has disappeared down a black hole. And that was how my entire adolescence and young adulthood went also - totally isolated, lost out big-time on the fun most people get at university, because I barely coped with it.

What gives? It traces back to three factors. I was bullied at school, physically and emotionally, and my parents rejected me. I didn't have a chance! I'm not a resilient kind of guy. I'm a very soft person - easily hurt, easily damaged. And that's basically it - I'm very damaged. I'm highly intelligent, 2 degrees, studying for a 3rd, good at philosophy, writing, I'm a qualified teacher, but none of that stuff has helped very much. I'm 44, in dire straits financially - OK so long as my savings last (which they will for years - its an inheritance), but when they are gone I'm at the mercy of the UK benefits system again, because I can't cope with normal getting a job, finding a life kind of stuff.

I 'know' all about psychology and therapy: read the books, done the workshops, had the counselling, tried the alternative stuff, the herbs, homeopathy, all the rest of it. None of it helped the core of me - none of it. I'm still damaged, still can't function in a normal way and have a normal, happy, working life.

I have 2 interviews coming up: one's for a PhD, which I might possibly get into. The other's for - get this - an Editorial role at a national magazine. What gives, you think? - they've seen my web site, seen my qualifications, and they're impressed. They probably won't be when we meet - I've barely spoken to anyone for 5 years, I'm despairing about my life, and they will sense my internal pain: they will see my depression on my face, see I'm not very comfortable with people, and that's that - a great opportunity lost. Not fot the first time.

I think really though, it's not *just* about the interview - although that shows my problem, not finding a life. Its more about this: I am, I really am, a very soft kinda guy, easily damaged, and I have been permanently damaged. Thirty years later, emotionally, I'm much the same - bruised, vulnerable, can't find friendship or love. I kinda wince when I say it, because I know lots of people say it - "I'm too sensitive for the world, it doesn't understand me!" - when actually (I have seen this), there can be and are other reasons underlying a person's life when they say stuff like that. It gives you a kind of glamour, saying "I'm a sensitive soul kinda guy" - but its not glamour in my case. Its crap. Theres nothing good aboout being a delicate flower trying to survive a tough environment. You have to toughen up, grow some bark like a tree - but I never have, and still can't - and I'm 44.

Anyone there? Its a very sad place to be in; I can sense that if I really go into it, it would overwhelm me - most of my life has disappeared down a black hole. Gone. And I'm still not equipped to change that.

Oh, one more thing.

I'm not comfortable with this title of "personality disorder", because its 1) a label and 2) places blame/responsibility on you (me), which may not be appropriate. In my case, I dont think it is. Its not a "disorder", its a *facet of my nature* if I was susceptible to bullying and parental rejection.

Two different things.

But this is still maybe the best place for me to post.

Hey skooby,

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"I'm too sensitive for the world, it doesn't understand me!"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I believe you have found the right place to discuss your issues. I can almost guarantee you that everyone here understand exactly what you are saying re: above quote.

As a matter of fact, I think almost all of us can relate to your whole post, too. What you are dealing with is not so rare. There are many of us who suffer the same things you do.

It is difficult to know what to say to one who has already stated that all has been tried and nothing has worked (of which I can totally relate). I guess the only thing I can think of saying is to keep posting - anything and everything - exactly how you "see" and "feel" it.

You will be surprised how much wisdom and empath and sympathy there is here for those who struggle with the very same issues. Hey, even if no one reads/responds to your posts, just writing down all that BS swirling around in your head is cathartic in itself and at times, enough to allow you to move a little bit ahead at times.

Welcome skooby, and keep writing!

Altered State

(((skooby))) I have to agree with AS, when I find this place I was almost going away for ever; now, I'm here everyday, sometimes more time than others, but what you are going to find is people who really cares, who are willing to listen.
I'm one of them. And I'm sorry, I have no idea how to help you, specifically in your life right now, but I know, you reading replies of your post, is going to be one step further to your healing process.
Welcome!!! hang in there!

PS - No one is comfortable with these "labels," especially when it is known to the "outside world." But let me tell you, it sure comes in handy to be diagnosed accurately, otherwise you could spend years learning techniques that are neither designed/tailored to help you with your particular illness, nor helpful.

Although it is so difficult to do, acceptance of the possibility that you do have a mental disorder will aid in your struggles to find some peace.

Later!

It's never too late. Takes one "decision" to change, one effort to pick something you want to do and then work on doing it! Yes the past may be "wasted" but that has nothing to do with now/any future.

I'm 56. I didn't get married until I was 39. I did work in my youth but at "simple" jobs beneath my education, etc. Not many friends, lots of therapy, etc.

Have you tried writing for publication? There are ways of making money that don't require one "go out" and get a job. Do you invest any of your inheritance at all so it won't poop out on you as fast?

What do you want? You can't have your youth back, that's correct but you can laboriously work to change your habits (of thought and action) if you want to. I barely graduated from college in 1972. Now I have a 4.0 on my second degree. I didn't figure out that "problem" until 1991 when I was taking a class and realized I was taking it for me, not the public, my stepmother, the professor or anyone else. I got truly sad taking the final exam that I hadn't studied a bit harder and the lightbulb went on with that sadness/regret. But I didn't change overnight and start doing my homework, doing the reading for classes, etc. It's been an uphill struggle for the last 15 years. The problems change too, as I go along. I'll get an A in this course, whether I read the texts or not but I want to do the work, read the texts for me and who I want to be. That's one thing I started a couple years ago, I use "I want" and underline it when I do use it in my journal.

What do you want? If you would enjoy the PhD program, go for it! If you want the job, work on that (and it won't be your last chance; if you don't get it think of it as a preliminary trial at interviewing, analyze what went wrong and work to "fix" that). Regretting doesn't do anything for you now. Find something that might make you happier now/in the future and work on that.

Thanks guys.

Maybe, as you suggest, just writing stuff and getting interjections from other people will be therapeutic. I think we can all probably appreciate, that given the nature of the internet we can't possibly expect to get perfect, right, or even useful comments form all people all of the time. But what we can do is check out what people say, and consider if its useful I do believe, actually, that we often need the viewpoint of others to change.

Mental disorder? Hmmm.
I haven't studied psychiatric stuff very much, but I once thought "borderline personality disorder" might fit me. But I can't emphasise this enough: the limited value of psychiatric categories. First, because those people are medicallly oriented and historically and technically, psychiatry is just an add-on - and quite a dumb one, for much of the time. Secondly, they don't differentiate between mind and emotion - they are not the same thing. So you can have a very damaged feeling-life, and i think mine is, but have an OK or even a more than OK mental life. I'm a good thinker, a good writer, stuff like that.

You know, I dont know if this is synchronistic (Carl Jung, anyone?) , important,or even relevant, but yesterday I found this nice little activity. I went out for a walk, and deliberatley looked around for thins to make me smile and feel happy. You know those moments you get with family etc, that lift your spirits and make you feel good? - the goofy smile, the embarrased laugh, the little gestures of intimacy? I found that i could see those around me in other people, complete passing strangers, and they made me smile and feel better. I don't fall asleep in the arms of a loved one; I don't wake to shared breakfast, or exhange gifts at Xmas, birthdays, or because its nice. I'm alone - completely alone. 90% of my time is solitary. But I found cute moments, or beautiful smiles in others, were feeding me a little like that kind of loving intimacy must do for people who enjoy it - and take it for granted.

I dunno....this is just me describing a small thing that made me smile and feel better. But it occurred to me i might develop it as a kind of conscious, dicsiplined thing to improve my mood.....

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
....this is just me describing a small thing that made me smile and feel better. But it occurred to me i might develop it as a kind of conscious, dicsiplined thing to improve my mood.....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Maintain that attitude and you will see leaps and bounds beng made in your outlook on life!!

Another simple thing you could try doing when you are down and alone is this: smile, but only on one side of your face (like a smirk, but without the attitude of a smirk). Not a whole smile either, though, as this can create a stronger sense of "faking it," and can easily stop the "process."

Apparently, it suppose to lift the spirit slightly and maybe even enough to stop that train of thought that is currently keeping you down. I practice this (when I remember to) and although the feeling is very slight and fleeting, it works, to my utter surprise! (I'm usually quite cynical about these kind of exercises). It's kinda like when you consciously drop your shoulders when you are really tense and then just as quickly, your shoulders are up around your ears again.

There is a fraction of a second of relief that is felt. It may take a few tries before you can feel it, but I think you are aware enough of your senses that you may be able to pick up that brief feeling of happiness(?). You know, I haven't really thought about what the feeling is that it produces in me - maybe a sense of lightheartedness...
(and there is nothing light about my heart - everything is heavy, all the time).

If your into trying something innocuous while doing what you did yesterday, it might give the experience a little more oomph! Might even work for you when you're alone, too!

If you do try it, let me know if it does anything for you? (It could be that this only works for me because I'm crazy).

Later!

Altered State

I think there's something valid in that.
I said before I'm a 'been, there, done that' kinda guy, and I used to practise yoga, lived in a yoga centre for a few months, the Alexander Technique, Tai Chi, Felkenkrais....and more. All of those practises, to greater or lesser extent, recognise the mind-body link and how relaxing and changing muscular patterns does indeed change your mood. Tension around the chest is not good for your emotional "heart"; shoulders round your ears makes you *feel* less confident because you are less secure when your centre of gravity is raised.

Etc etc.

I think one further problem that needs mentioning though, is whether you care about yourself enough to use those little techniques. The last few years, I've often known my body was in a mess, making me feel bad because it affected my mood when I was tense etc etc, and I didn't really care. Thought: so what? it hardly matters that I'm in a crap state right now, when most of my life has been crap and relaxing and smiling wont change that. That, as i said before, theres a big part of me that appears to be permanently damaged.

So the problem is: putting a plaster on a wound doesn't stop the scar. And once the scar is there, its permanent.

Note: if you see me being too much intellectual/theoretical, you can tell me!

Hey. Nice to meet you, I hope you decide to stick around :-)

> Mental disorder? Hmmm.

Lol! I can't say much because I'm supposed to be working but I saw that and my little beady eyes lit up!

:-)

There are indeed problems around whether there is a non-arbitrary line to be drawn between neurological disorders on the one hand and psychiatric (or mental) disorders on the other. One might think that 'mental' disorders would be disorders of cognitive processes but here are two problem cases for that highly intuitive view:

- Tourette's is classified as a psychiatric disorder even though the essential feature of Tourette's is tics which is surely a motor problem rather than a cognitive problem. So... Current DSM taxonomy seems to be over-inclusive...

- Cortical blindness is a disorder of a paradigmatically cognitive or mental process (vision) and yet cortical blindness is currently classified as a neurological condition rather than a psychiatric condition. So... Current DSM taxonomy seems to be under-inclusive...

Whats to be done??? Revise in the name of consistency IMHO!

The current distinctions between mental illness and non-mental illnes, and mental illness and 'problems in living' is tricky... They are problems, basically.

One thought on the latter would be to move from the current categorical (either you are mentally ill or you are not mentally ill) to a dimensional approach (it is normal to have certain traits it is just the *degree* that is problematic). If they moved to the latter approach (which is thought to be more realistic in the case of personality disorders in particular) then they will still need to set an arbitrary threshold to determine who gets health insurance to pay for treatment, however. Sigh.

Current DSM categories are *descriptions* of behavioural symptoms. Even the cognitive symptoms have behavioural measures... It is purely descriptive. The DSM doesn't distinguish between someone meeting criteria for a reading disorder on the basis of inner malfunciton and someone meeting criteria for a reading disorder on the basis of nobody ever having tried to teach them to read! Both are equally mentally ill according to the DSM!

What that means is that... All it takes for the DSM to categorise you as having a mental disorder is for you to meet behavioural criteria for however long is necessary.

The current categories are hopelessly inadequate too. I calculated the other day that there are 256 different ways in which one can meet the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality (on the basis that one needs to have 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 of the symptoms in order to qualify thus you can work out the possible combinations of symptoms...) There is often more variability between people of the same diagnostic category than there is between people of different diagnostic categories.

And yet... Diagnostic categories are still often the unit for research instead of the humble symptom! On the basis of diagnostic category they try and figure your chances of improvement or they deliver their life-long sentence or they reccomend a particular brand of treatment...

Okay. Ending rant now.

Just wanted to say... Don't worry what you do or don't meet what that does or does not mean. Don't let them dictate your future. Don't let them sit you down for a heart to heart of 'what is wrong with you'. Unless... You need something from your health insurance, of course ;-)

> they don't differentiate between mind and emotion - they are not the same thing. So you can have a very damaged feeling-life, and i think mine is, but have an OK or even a more than OK mental life. I'm a good thinker, a good writer, stuff like that.

Ah.
:-)
There is this little theory that goes like this:
Thoughts cause Emotions.
If you are having an intensely distressing emotion then you are endorsing a cognitive distortion. By definition. If you won't admit to that then you are *unconsciously* endorsing a cognitive distortion. Ahem... Since the notion of the Freudian unconscious is sometimes taken to be disreputable they say you have an *implicit schema* where a cognitive distortion resides ;-)

But...

Thats not true. It isn't true as a matter of empirical fact. No time to run through the facts...

DBT has this useful distinction between rational mind on the one hand and emotion mind on the other.

I've read about BPD as trouble with mentalising (figuring out others thoughts emotions intentions desires) when the attachment (emotion) system is active. If you google 'mentalization attachment "borderline personality disorder"' you should be able to find some stuff on that, if you like. Might help... Helped me...

because... (very quickly)...
if someone says you are irrational and you can't trust your thoughts then what is to be done?
you can't suspend judgement on everything...
i mean...
descartes did...
but only for a couple days in his oven room...
the nature of the irrationality needs to be circumscribed...
there are certain situations where certain kinds of cognitions are not to be trusted.

if you are feeling intense emotional distress then it is probably best to suspend judgement on other peoples intentions and motivations, for example, because of the stress induced paranoia thing (limited and circumscribed failure in rationality).

Hi (friendly place this, hehe).

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alexandra_k said:

> they don't differentiate between mind and emotion - they are not the same thing. So you can have a very damaged feeling-life, and i think mine is, but have an OK or even a more than OK mental life. I'm a good thinker, a good writer, stuff like that.

Ah.
:-)
There is this little theory that goes like this:
Thoughts cause Emotions.
If you are having an intensely distressing emotion then you are endorsing a cognitive distortion. By definition. If you won't admit to that then you are *unconsciously* endorsing a cognitive distortion. [

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I dont think I agree with that. Its trying to dissect and analyse human capacity using scientific method, characteristic of medical based psychiatry. Which is frequently undertaken by such incredibly dry, un-intuitive, and arrogant people who presume to judge and understand others based not on their own self awareness, but on external data. Really not interested in people like that - in fact, I recieved some psychiatry when I was about 16, which was a referral from a doctor, which was a referral from well meaning but esentially impotent parents who were, actually, implicated in the whole problem. All along the line, no one bothered to consider the importance of self awareness, human relations, and the "systems" in which people live - family the system I was in, which was dysnfunctional. So finally: the psychiatrist sat me down and I remember, nearly 30 years later, him asking me if I heard voices in my head. It was a disgusting intervention then, and it still 'feels' like an assault on my psyche now: "how dare you suggest I am mentally ill, when I'm just a young lad being bullied at aschool rejected at home, and as a result I' m vulnerable and in considerable emotional pain, because I'm dependent on these environments and they are hostile to me!" If I'd been strong enough, and mature enough, i would have said that. But I was neither, so it was another damaging little encounter.

Anyway, feelings affect thoughts just as much as the reverse. To suggest otherwise implies that an arena like politics, for example, would be an emblem of rationality. Which of course it isn't; you typically see people entrenched in political positions that have a subjective-emotional basis: feelings dictate their thinking, not the reverse. Music-making and creativity also demonstrate this different process: you got something emotional to express, ie feeling based, and then you give it shape with your thinking - so the feeling comes first.

See? I can do this stuff, and actually find it very interesting; I could write essays about this, citing Jung, Freud, Maslow, Perls, Reich, Alexander Lowen, etc etc. In fact the latter two have excellent ideas centering around the idea that the *body* creates thought/feelings, and until you change the body, mind/feeling just goes back to its old patterns.

But....sheeeesh....none of this talk helps me. I'm quite serious, and sincere, in what I initially said.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
biplol said:
(((skooby))) I have to agree with AS, when I find this place I was almost going away for ever; now, I'm here everyday, sometimes more time than others, but what you are going to find is people who really cares, who are willing to listen.
I'm one of them. And I'm sorry, I have no idea how to help you, specifically in your life right now, but I know, you reading replies of your post, is going to be one step further to your healing process.
Welcome!!! hang in there!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

What a sweety.
This is what the world needs more of.
Damnit, this is what I need. And my eyes got a little misty then.

(((skooby)))

Yeah, the theory isn't right. It is rarely stated explictly like that but it isn't all that hard to assess therapists implicit beliefs around the theory... I think I might be offering something of a straw man / caricature of the view, but I will say that that is how it strikes me. I think most now acknowledge that there is a cyclic process with respect to thoughts and feelings and thoughts and feelings it is just that they try to target the thoughts primarily... It is the focusing on 'faulty cognitions' that really gets to me, because, like you, I am pretty sure rational me does alright and I simply can't accept my thinking is irrational / distorted (unless the domain of irrationality is very limited indeed).

There are psychiatric theorists who take an experiential / phenomenological approach. There is something of a long tradition of that, apparantly, though I don't know all that much about it. I think Karl Jaspers was thought to be the founder of the phenomenological approach and current theorists like Sass (not the anti-psychiatry guy!) and Brendan Maher have continued on with an approach that takes conscious experience rather than scientific studies on behaviour to be the most relevant...

Sounds like you have had a pretty crap time with your encouter with clinician's in the past :-( It can be hard to find a good psychiatrist who can listen and empathise etc.

> Jung, Freud, Maslow, Perls, Reich, Alexander Lowen, etc etc.

Cool :-) I don't really know anything about those theorists. Though... I was trying to learn more about Freud and Jung at some point and I remember learning about Maslow's hierarchy of needs...

> But....sheeeesh....none of this talk helps me. I'm quite serious, and sincere, in what I initially said.

I know you are, I really wasn't meaning to doubt that. I'm sorry if it came across as my doubting that.

I was raised in a pretty hostile world too... It can be hard to shift the lens... I really don't believe it is a matter of logic or illogic I think it is about shifting the lens... But it can be hard to view the world as full of affordances and people who are basically okay when one has been raised in a hostile world. I do understand that. I'm good at *talking* about validating others but I'm not so good at *demonstating* validation, so I'm sorry about that. I live in rational mind much of the time... Retreat from the general hostility of it all... I don't know... Anyway, welcome to psychcentral. Some of the people here can be wonderfully supportive so welcome, I hope you like it here.

Hey no worries.
I dont mind a bit of theretical talk occasionally. I actually studied stuff like that in my first degree - the ethics of drugs, psychiatric intervention etc etc and how its frequently quite ingorant, even has a political basis - RD Laing, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest etc.

I really dont know what the answer is. It seems part of me is quite formidable, but it doesn't help. I know that what I need is something, someone, some circumstances, that make me feel better. I know - from experience - that once I've got that, other stuff falls into place.

I'll be honest: I think people find me difficult. It saddens me to say this, but for example before this dark phase of 5 years I met a few people who I liked, who could have been buddies, but it just never worked - it never has. It seems I have a lot of baggage from hurt going back to my adolescence - and I dont have the resources to change that. I probably make unconscious demands on people to give me what my parents never did....stuff like that....which I express indirectly. So from my point of view, its a desperate and valid need; from their point of view - I dunno, one semi/friend form 10 years ago said in fact he didnt know why he hadn't contacted me - suggesting, unclear/unconscious stuff going on.

Someone said "invest in loss". Is it in the I Ching? - can't remember. Anyway the point is: what appears to be something that threatens and undermines you may actually be what you (I) need. Which is why I'm being honest about those people - nice, decent people that could have been buddies - didnt feel comfortable with me/whatever.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alexandra_k said:
I was raised in a pretty hostile world too... It can be hard to shift the lens... I really don't believe it is a matter of logic or illogic I think it is about shifting the lens...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think that's probably right.
But I don't feel I know how, or think that I can, or have any resources offering me an alternative. Its what I see; essentially, my 'feeling nature' is much the same as it was during my teens. The lens appears to be broken. Maybe it needs a filter, or a srew-on attachment, to change what it perceives. Other than that, I'm really not sure.....

Sorry... At work at the mo and I just saw your posts. I'll post something tonight, I promise.

Thanks for getting me thinking... I think I understand where you are coming from... I think...

Cool about your studies :-)
I'm studying this kinda stuff now, that is why my little eyes lit up ;-)

> It seems part of me is quite formidable, but it doesn't help. I know that what I need is something, someone, some circumstances, that make me feel better. I know - from experience - that once I've got that, other stuff falls into place. I'll be honest: I think people find me difficult...

Is it maybe that... Connection with people is what ultimately is the most helpful but that... Connection with people is also what can be the most terrifying thing of all? I have this push-pull thing going on... Intimacy is something that I really need / crave, but then at the same time I'm frightened of it and sometimes I push people away because I just need them to back off.

> I probably make unconscious demands on people to give me what my parents never did....stuff like that....

Ah. Yeah, I understand. Psychodynamic therapists can help with stuff like that. Help you with these patterns... Looks like you are pretty good at figuring them out / appreciating them... Since you are pretty good at that a psychodynamic therapist could be helpful with respect to facilitating your figuring out what to do about this so your life is more enjoyable.

> But I don't feel I know how, or think that I can, or have any resources offering me an alternative. Its what I see; essentially, my 'feeling nature' is much the same as it was during my teens. The lens appears to be broken. Maybe it needs a filter, or a srew-on attachment, to change what it perceives. Other than that, I'm really not sure.....

Sometimes it can be about... These hostile people in our lives in our formative years. When kids and teenagers aren't shown love and appreciation then their emotional needs aren't met when they aren't appropriately nurtured and respected. What can happen is that we then continue on through life expecting that others will continue the pattern of frustrating our emotional needs and of not appropriately respecting us and caring for us and stuff... If one hasn't EXPERIENCED different then one can tell oneself 'rationally' till one is blue in the face it simply isn't going to help.

Psychodynamic therapy is about having some positive experiences to counter the hostile ones. Other varieties of therapy can be about that too, of course, but cognitive therapists tend to get diverted into worrying about rationality (which I find to be fairly unhelpful).

I find that my relationship with my therapist... I start to play out the patterns of the past. Putting out the 'BACK OFF LADY!!!' signals when I feel vulnerable. Pushing. Pulling. And through the process of the therapist being able to nurture the way you deserved to be nurtured in your formative years... After some time... I start to internalise the positive feelings instead of all the negative and hostile feelings of the people around me when I was a kid. At least... Thats the theory of how it is supposed to go lol. I have a long way to go...

I can't change the lenses at will either. But sometimes the world seems like a fairly nice safe place and other times it seems fairly hostile and ominous. I don't really understand why sometimes the lens changes... But I'm spending more time with the first lens because of helpful therapists, I think it is fair to say that.

Though... I shouldn't undermine the role of people on boards with respect to that... People on boards have helped me immensely too...

With me its probably more extreme. I don't think I 'fear' people. I just don't go near them! What I've done for most of my life is try and find a compensation in activities, interests and studies, which is partly why I 'know' stuff - it's diverted energies, essentially, that other people use to have happy lives where people play a part. And of course, it never works because its essentially it's not the 'nutrition' I actually need.

There was one situation about 5 years ago when a guy visited me for something, and we got talking a little for about an hour, and I felt on a knife edge of anxiety: if I offer him a cup of tea and invite him to sit down (he was standing for an hour!), he will say "no I have to go" and I felt I just couldn't cope with the rejection. I've had enough of freakin' hostility and rejection. Although in fact, he was a nice and intelligent guy and the kind of person I would like as a buddy. I know that's all 'my stuff', but it's real stuff and I feel if people can't or won't accept my vulnerability, sensitivty and needs, understand it, then I have to walk away. In fact more than that, I never get into that position in the first place.....