[RogueWolf]

The wolf has an injured paw lol. So I am just going to say suicide is bad don't so it so I am not breaking any forum rules I hope but I had a bit of an incident of badness which ended with me being in the er overnight with cuts. I was on the phone listening to how much someone cared about me while I cut the hell out of my arm cos I was sick of fking arguing with someone. I just started agreeing with everything the person said which pissed me off and I was also drunk and ended up savagely attacking my arm with a knife, it still has my blood on it. Blood smells weird. I haven't told this person cos what is the point? They don't care they just say they do so fk them. They are never there when I need them, they haven't been since I was a young teenager who noone cared about and almost everyone abused. I am pretty pissed off right now. I am probably using this space to have a rant about it but I don't know what else to do, I will talk to my therapist when I see them but that isn't for a few days. I am so sick of the hypocrasy of so called normal people. They sit there and say that people with pd are manipulative, hateful, aggressive and lack empathy but as far as I can tell that describes THEM. At least when someone with a pd does something fked up it has a reason. "Normal" people (for want of a better word) just act like selfish uncaring *** hats to fk with people for the hell of it, they don't give a sht how other people feel and they don't care if they hurt people. HYPOCRASY!!! Lie's and slander people, lie's and fking slander. As Dexter put it "normal people are so hostile"- I agree. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.......

[here today]

Sor!ry you're in such a bad space, RogueWolf. What you've written here, though, articulates so well something I know I've faced. Maybe it's a basic dilemma in most or all PD's.

"Logically" we can probably both guess that the person who was saying that they cared probably does a little, just maybe not totally, not all the time, and leaves you in the lurch when you need them? In which case, when you need them, when you need somebody, what does one do? I used to beat myself up with vicious self-criticism and not physical harm but the principle feels the same. Direct the aggression toward yourself and numb out, because you don't really want to lash out at the person ?

Anyway, it may be a rant but for anybody who doesn't know what a PD feels like, it seems to me this is a good example. Hope things are better soon, Roguewolf.

[RogueWolf]

Originally Posted by here today

Sor!ry you're in such a bad space, RogueWolf. What you've written here, though, articulates so well something I know I've faced. Maybe it's a basic dilemma in most or all PD's.

"Logically" we can probably both guess that the person who was saying that they cared probably does a little, just maybe not totally, not all the time, and leaves you in the lurch when you need them? In which case, when you need them, when you need somebody, what does one do? I used to beat myself up with vicious self-criticism and not physical harm but the principle feels the same. Direct the aggression toward yourself and numb out, because you don't really want to lash out at the person ?

Anyway, it may be a rant but for anybody who doesn't know what a PD feels like, it seems to me this is a good example. Hope things are better soon, Roguewolf.

Yeh maybe. I think they care more about themselves and how they look, it is one of my parents who always tells thier friends how much they care about me and what a victim they are while never being there for me even since I was quite young. Yeh I have done self criticism but also self harm in many ways. Well I do sometimes want to lash out at them but they are not near me, noone is, I am fully isolated basically. I only have therapy, that is basically the only social interaction I have besides online cos none of my so called family and friends care enough to ever come see me. Unless they want something. Hope this isn't coming across as mad at you, I am just in a bad mood. And thanks. What do you do now?

[here today]

Glad you said how you felt. No you don't come off to me as being mad at me. I just said something that you disagree with -- maybe I "shouldn't" have spoken "for you" and said "we can probably both agree". "Out of line" -- a little outside my boundary -- on my part.

Right now I just have therapy, too. Used to go to support groups but got all enmeshed, codependent with some people there. Boundary issues again that I didn't know I had -- because I didn't have a sense of my own self, which I'm finally getting some of but it's taken forever seems like. Got a good T which has made it (maybe) possible.

Starting to go to meetup groups, learning maybe how to be a person (again) in a different kind of way. We'll see what happens, one foot in front of the other.

The loneliness feels unbearable sometimes. Thank goodness I have some cats.

[RogueWolf]

Originally Posted by here today

Glad you said how you felt. No you don't come off to me as being mad at me. I just said something that you disagree with -- maybe I "shouldn't" have spoken "for you" and said "we can probably both agree". "Out of line" -- a little outside my boundary -- on my part.

Right now I just have therapy, too. Used to go to support groups but got all enmeshed, codependent with some people there. Boundary issues again that I didn't know I had -- because I didn't have a sense of my own self, which I'm finally getting some of but it's taken forever seems like. Got a good T which has made it (maybe) possible.

Starting to go to meetup groups, learning maybe how to be a person (again) in a different kind of way. We'll see what happens, one foot in front of the other.

The loneliness feels unbearable sometimes. Thank goodness I have some cats.

More like I half agree/half don't lol and it's ok, I didn't think you overstepped sometimes I just find it hard to express what I mean properly. Glad you don't take it as against you, sometimes I try talk to "normal" (haha whatever that is) people and they get offended/ think it's at/about them. Awesome that you have a good T, the one I have right now is pretty kewl too. Yeh one foot in front of the other and one day at a time is a good stratedgy. Being lonely sucks, I am also lonely right now a lot but better to find people who really care than be surrounded by lots of jerks, in the end hopefully you can find some kewl people who will really like you for who you are, so don't lose hope ok. Cats are kewl- they won't judge or talk back! I have a dog and rabbit.

[badjuju89]

Originally Posted by RogueWolf

More like I half agree/half don't lol and it's ok, I didn't think you overstepped sometimes I just find it hard to express what I mean properly. Glad you don't take it as against you, sometimes I try talk to "normal" (haha whatever that is) people and they get offended/ think it's at/about them. Awesome that you have a good T, the one I have right now is pretty kewl too. Yeh one foot in front of the other and one day at a time is a good stratedgy. Being lonely sucks, I am also lonely right now a lot but better to find people who really care than be surrounded by lots of jerks, in the end hopefully you can find some kewl people who will really like you for who you are, so don't lose hope ok. Cats are kewl- they won't judge or talk back! I have a dog and rabbit.

I find my dog to be a good companion he always gets me ... I have a life long friend who i have always been there for no matter what.. and I guess ive just always expected her to do the same since we were suppose to be best friends.. but shell drop me like a hat for a guy in a heart beat or for anything else that benefits her.. and when I really need her shes never there for me and I always get so POd at her and she never understandd why then has always made ne feel like its me thats the one in the wrong for being upset. Like I shouldnt have expected her to act like a friend maybe? Idk.. but I always feel like I have cared and put so much out there for people and have been hung out to dry all the time.. taking care of others is second nature to me.. im having to learn my boundaries for myself and lower my expectations of others too.. relearn who I am standing on my own alone.. I feel almost like im abandoning parts of myself ive put in her but I know im not and its what is best for me. Ill be better for it.. Im glad you shared.. it helped me revisit this part Ive been neglecting to work on recently. Thank you

[RogueWolf]

Originally Posted by badjuju89

I find my dog to be a good companion he always gets me ... I have a life long friend who i have always been there for no matter what.. and I guess ive just always expected her to do the same since we were suppose to be best friends.. but shell drop me like a hat for a guy in a heart beat or for anything else that benefits her.. and when I really need her shes never there for me and I always get so POd at her and she never understandd why then has always made ne feel like its me thats the one in the wrong for being upset. Like I shouldnt have expected her to act like a friend maybe? Idk.. but I always feel like I have cared and put so much out there for people and have been hung out to dry all the time.. taking care of others is second nature to me.. im having to learn my boundaries for myself and lower my expectations of others too.. relearn who I am standing on my own alone.. I feel almost like im abandoning parts of myself ive put in her but I know im not and its what is best for me. Ill be better for it.. Im glad you shared.. it helped me revisit this part Ive been neglecting to work on recently. Thank you

It's good you have your dog. Aww that sucks I have a male friend like that and many more. My male friend thinks he is god's gift to women- so arrogant but he will call me arrogant and all kinds of names yet if I vent to him (not calling him names) he says I am "dumping all my crap" on him, yet he calls me nasty names and dumps his problems on me, one minute he is saying I am his big sister and such a good friend then the next he is saying I am arrogant and he doesn't care about me. I think he might need help to be honest. But many other people use me when they want support then hate me when I want it back. I am sorry they do it to you too it sucks.