[shakespeare47]

Has anyone actually had any progress with letting go of resentments? I'd love to hear some good advice, or books to read.

A lot of my problems are caused by the fact that people have done things to hurt me, and I take offense. I think if I could find a way to let go of that offense, and still live a healthy life, I'd be doing a lot better.

My fear is that if people know they can take advantage of me, then they will. It seems this is the way of the world. In my experience, most people are a-holes looking to take advantage of and attacking their fellow man, and we must be on our toes to be sure it doesn't happen to us.

[gayleggg]

I let go of my resentments while working to 4th step in a 12 step group. It really made a big difference in my life.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I let go of my resentments while working to 4th step in a 12 step group. It really made a big difference in my life.

Do you feel like you could take appropriate action to protect yourself, if someone were to attempt to mistreat you or take advantage of you in some way?

What would you do if you found out that someone was spreading rumors about you, for instance?

[avlady]

i understand where you're coming from, people seem to take you for granted too. they will squeeze every inch of you out from inside to out. the best thing you can do is speak up for yourself when you feel you're being taken advantage of, although i know it is a hard thing to do since that is probably the reason they are because you don't or don't know how to stick up for yourself. i wish you luck and maybe you can learn some tactics.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by avlady

i understand where you're coming from, people seem to take you for granted too. they will squeeze every inch of you out from inside to out. the best thing you can do is speak up for yourself when you feel you're being taken advantage of, although i know it is a hard thing to do since that is probably the reason they are because you don't or don't know how to stick up for yourself. i wish you luck and maybe you can learn some tactics.

Actually, people find me to be rude and abrupt. I don't take any crap.

I'm just looking for a way to feel less anger when I'm not around people. Because I tend to rehash the nasty things people say and do to each other and to me.

[avlady]

sorry i misunderstood you, i think it is a good thing you are able to express yourself. you mean you keep the anger inside at times when alone too? i have a problem where i don't tell people what i think and hold it inside until i'm alone, that is why i thought that was what you meant. rehashing makes it worse because you can't express it when alone.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by avlady

sorry i misunderstood you, i think it is a good thing you are able to express yourself. you mean you keep the anger inside at times when alone too? i have a problem where i don't tell people what i think and hold it inside until i'm alone, that is why i thought that was what you meant. rehashing makes it worse because you can't express it when alone.

It is difficult to know when to express anger with someone. I communicate with my wife fairly well. And it isn't all angry thoughts.

But there are a lot of people I do not want to engage with. At all.

[unaluna]

Anybody who is like that, does not get the pleasure of my company. My mother thinks everyone is gossiping about her and out to get her, and the reality is, SHE is the one who is like that. So i think she ends up with a lower class of friends who ARE like that, because what nice person would put up with that?

You have a lot going for you. You have a high intelligence. You have your own business. So yeah there may be people trying to take you down a notch, but i would be true to myself, not sink to their level, and rise above it. You can afford to be kind and generous.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by hankster

Anybody who is like that, does not get the pleasure of my company. My mother thinks everyone is gossiping about her and out to get her, and the reality is, SHE is the one who is like that. So i think she ends up with a lower class of friends who ARE like that, because what nice person would put up with that?

So yeah there may be people trying to take you down a notch, but i would be true to myself, not sink to their level, and rise above it. You can afford to be kind and generous.

It is difficult to find good friends and to rise above the petty criticisms that appear to be so common in our society.

I don't mind admitting that I'm not perfect, and am looking at ways to improve myself. Unfortunately, there are people who don't really care to help others, and would rather just go around making people feel bad about themselves. That is not helpful to anyone.

So, I say "yes" to people who are decent people and who care, and "no" to people who are just there to help make me feel bad about myself.

[shakespeare47]

I have been getting into the ancient philosophies of stoicism and epicureanism.

Stoicism teaches that one important goal in life is to accept people as they are. And to truly be able to accept whatever it is that people may say to or about you.

Epicureanism is about a hedonistic search for pleasure. It suggests that the best life is one that is ultimately concerned with seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

I can't very well hold on to resentment and also get along with people, and I ultimately find it to cause more pain than pleasure (actually, I'm not sure it gives me any pleasure at all), so, maybe it's time to let it go.

That self-protecting "take no crap" attitude doesn't have much going for it either, when considering epicureanism and stoicism.

[unaluna]

The old thinkers had a lot of time to think. They didnt have to tweet or watch Family Feud like i do

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Has anyone actually had any progress with letting go of resentments? I'd love ...of and attacking their fellow man, and we must be on our toes to be sure it doesn't happen to us.

I think you might have answered this for yourself. You fear people will take advantage of you, and they probably will as we live in a selfish world (you say as much above and I agree). But knowing this can you not prepare yourself, so to speak to, to make it politely clear where you draw the line? Taking shite is a way of harming yourself, being firm is a way of asserting your dignity and needs.

When a situation gets difficult perhaps you could count to nine and and then say, 'No I am afraid I do not see it that way and am not prepared to do that'.

As for the past, where is the profit in holding on to resentments? You may well have had to eat shite, but what is done is done is done, so use it to make yourself stronger in defending yourself.

Then think about what you find distressing in others; what is it that they do that triggers you? Is there something in how you act that makes them think they can get away with it? Are the things that light your fuse really important enough to get you going or are they trivial in themselves but elicit hurtful memories?

I speak as someone who internalises hurts, is ridiculously over-sensitive and has difficulty asserting his boundaries! But I am working on it.

[Perna]

I protect myself by shifting my focus if I do not like what other people are doing. They are "out there" and aren't really part of my life and what I'm trying to do? I don't mind if people say bad things about me because I know me and they do not and what they say is ignorant or makes no sense? People who know/love/like me are not going to be influenced by such other people so it's all good. It's like on a social board like here or Facebook, etc.; if you don't like what you're reading you skip it and move on to something you do like. Sure, some stuff sticks with you for a moment but then you get interested in something else more positive and go with that. It's a choice.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Then think about what you find distressing in others; what is it that they do that triggers you? Is there something in how you act that makes them think they can get away with it? Are the things that light your fuse really important enough to get you going or are they trivial in themselves but elicit hurtful memories?

I speak as someone who internalises hurts, is ridiculously over-sensitive and has difficulty asserting his boundaries! But I am working on it.

Thank you for those helpful comments. I really appreciate it.

What I find most frustrating is that I actually tend to be open and honest with people. I have had to work on not telling people everything that is in my head.

What I find most hurtful is when I tell someone about something that really bothers me, and then they purposefully do that thing while rubbing my nose in it.

For instance. I have a very specialized business, but I also do some simple jobs that I charge $8 for. I hate doing those $8 jobs, I feel they are beneath me. I've let a few people know (my hatred isn't really public knowledge). I can think of 4 people that I have let in on my secret, and they come into my shop and ask me to do that $8 job. One of them even bluntly let me know he thinks that $8 job is all I'm good at doing.

I keep doing the jobs because, hey, it's a quick job, and I'm one of the few places in town that can even do it. There are places 1/2 hr away where they could probably get it done for $5. And I am thinking about raising my price to $10, or even $12. Why? Because I hate doing those jobs and they are beneath me. If I get paid enough, I might keep doing them, we'll see,.

Anyway, it's difficult for me to see those 4 people as anything more than petty people who bluntly let me know they wish to be my enemies, and they put me in a position where I feel like they are forcing me to have a reaction to their comments.

The best way I know how to handle this is to make those 4 people wait and really work to get their $8 job done. They come into my shop, and they may find me in the middle of another job, and so they must wait for me. I answer any question they might have, but just barely and I use my most bland, bored voice. I might even neglect to answer a question or 2, because my hearing isn't all that good at times (ever heard of selective hearing disorder)?

What do you think? Am I handling it well?

[shakespeare47]

One of these people literally let me know that not only is a he a troll on the internet, he also trolls people in real life.

How do you deal with the trolls in your life?

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by Perna

I protect myself by shifting my focus if I do not like what other people are doing. They are "out there" and aren't really part of my life and what I'm trying to do? I don't mind if people say bad things about me because I know me and they do not and what they say is ignorant or makes no sense?

Thank you. Yes, I know what you mean. I have had someone close to me make ridiculous petty comments about me and my behavior that have no relation to anything even remotely resembling common sense or the truth (thankfully he is out of my life, I haven't seen him in several years and I hope to avoid any contact with him for the rest of my life.).

Some people truly have issues. And the rest of us are forced to deal with those issues.

[shakespeare47]

In general, I think it would be helpful for me to learn ways to deal with people who ask questions I don't want to answer, and who make rude comments that I don't want to react to.

Any advice? What would you do in either of those situations?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

In general, I think it would be helpful for me to learn ways to deal with people who ask questions I don't want to answer, and who make rude comments that I don't want to react to.

Any advice? What would you do in either of those situations?

Miss Manners says to just keep saying "Excuse me?" til they shut up. With my mother (and other people) i change the subject.

Maybe try a book about boundaries? Anne Katherine has a couple of good ones. If people stomped all over your boundaries growing up, like mine, i really didnt know what was okay to . say or do in either direction. I felt defenseless. De-fence-less as they say at football games. You dont know what is YOURS.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by hankster

Miss Manners says to just keep saying "Excuse me?" til they shut up. With my mother (and other people) i change the subject.

Maybe try a book about boundaries? Anne Katherine has a couple of good ones. If people stomped all over your boundaries growing up, like mine, i really didnt know what was okay to . say or do in either direction. I felt defenseless. De-fence-less as they say at football games. You dont know what is YOURS.

Thank you.
Boundaries are an issue. I never saw anyone in my family display a knowledge of or respect for boundaries.

I've tried the "excuse me?" expression before, but have found that some people really get offended and offensive when they realize they are being "handled". That is a fear of mine. What if whoever it is gets really violent or abusively angry when you are "handling" them? I've had it happen.

I have unfortunately, experienced some very abusive, extreme behavior in my family of origin.