[pearlys]

The past couple of years my mental health is deteriorating. I have been hospitalized for 7 weeks, I'm on and off meds and they don't seem to work. I dont know myself anymore, who am I, what is my identity? Depressed all the time, crying everyday. Tired, no motivation, insecure, (social) anxiety. When I was a child, I was happy, always smiling. I wish I could be that child again but alas.
Now I am wondering where it all comes from and start analyzing my education. My parents always worked a lot, when I came home from school I was alone at home. We had several nannies or we had to go to parents that shelter kids during lunchbreak. At dinnertime my mom was always talking about work. I can't remember that she or they asked us (me and my sister) how our day was, what we did at school etc. When I did something wrong my mothers verbal punishment was harsh. My dads too. They hardly explained rules. For instance when I was an adolescent I started to gather beverage cans. After a while my room probably smelled a bit sweet from all the soda remains. My dad came in and said: it stinks here. No further questions or explanation. One day my collection of beverage cans was gone. Without explanation or announcement. This happened often.
Also when my dad and I did something for instance construction things around the house, he never taught me how to do it myself. He was always the leader. When I tried to do something and did it wrong he got mad and called me clumsy. But my mom was most dominant and emotionally distant. Even when I knew a word for my feelings (depression) I told her: mom I think I might have a depression. She said thats not possible because she knows about depression and that is something completely different. No further questions about how I feel.... When I told her I might want to divorce she told me to shut up because she has already enough on her mind with my sister. I fled the house cause my wife was verbally abusive. Police brought me back home, first thing I saw when I came back to my house was my angry mom almost yelling what the heck I was doing and where I was.
When I was hospitalized they came to visit me, I hugged them (they never hug normally) and started crying. She asked me why I cry (well I am not hospitalized cuz its such a great fun). She complains a lot about the mess in my house. About hair of the cat everywhere, they threw away cat's stuff, cat tree because they find it dirty. Without asking me. They deny all my needs. I told them I would like to have children, they say I am already too old. Never I have the feeling that I am good just the way I am.
I think my mom has narcissist traits and my dad I dont know. I cannot say I love my mom, I don't feel anything for her, for my dad a bit more. I havent seen them in a while. Couple of weeks ago I sent my mom an e-mail how they are. My dad responded.
Basically they treat me like a child but I am not a child anymore. Besides I wouldn't treat a child like that. And my ex was exactly the same or even worse. Verbally agressive when I came home relaxed from something that brought me joy. Hurrying me at bedtime (while she was the last who was ready to go to bed), pushing me away when I wanted to hug before sleep. Hardly to no sex (months without) and if we did it was mainly spoon because she cant relax enough (I suppose) to spread her legs to do missionary (sorry for the explicit explanation). She expected me to cook everyday so dinner was ready when she came home. I used to love cooking but one day I was cleaning the house instead of cooking, she got angry and said I could clean another day because I dont have anything else useful to do... and my friends too. That was the last time I cooked with pleasure.. She studies master and called my studies just bachelor and I wouldnt use my studies anyway. And I have just a job with no responsibility while she has a demanding job. O yes, my hobbies are useless activities and that is something for people that have too much leisure time.. Regularly she has comments about useless housewives with their simple courses (like my sister).

So that's my story and I suppose that is how I became how I am right now: a man without identity who doesn't know who he is, can't enjoy anything anymore. On disability for over a year and not even be able to decide if I want to divorce. (we live separated since a year). Chronic stress (c-ptsd??).

When will it end, when will it all be over?

[healingme4me]

There is the whole nature v. Nurture topic where illnesses are concerned. Although for recovery, letting go of such thinking, gives you the power back to move forward from such toxicity in your life.

[pearlys]

Letting go is the hardest part atm. Im stuck...