Non-affection/detatchment issues...advice please? (Little Long)

Hi everyone. I am married (3 years) with a one year old son. I have BPD and my poor husband has placated me on an almost saintly level. My husband is truly awesome and I'm so in love with him but.... I have childhood issues and now I'm a detatched unaffectionate adult. I'm not sure what this is called clinically, but I feel so much emotion and I am unable to show it. When I try to tell him how I feel about him, I get nervous, start shaking and get very uncomfortable. Same thing about giving him compliments, hugs, kisses, sex, and well, just every form of verbal and physical affection.

He's very affectionate, and is just starved for attention from me. He has to fish for compliments from me, and then I only give him the bare minimum. We had a "talk" about this, and I just acted as if I didn't have a care in the world. I can't even tell him how I feel about him!!! When he went to bed, I was in tears for 2 hours thinking he was going to leave me. I am so scared and I want to change. I have seen a myriad of shrinks and none have helped me. They only care about treating my depression which isn't working. I don't know what to do anymore.

I hope this problem doesn't sound stupid, it is beginning to ruin my marriage. Does anyone know what this disorder is called? Or how I can do some research on it? I am going to start trying to help myself. And I need to start now before it's too late. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading this.

hey there. i'm thinking that it sounds like what my therapist likes to call 'relational trauma'. sounds like you really love your husband and part of you wants to be intimate with him and emotionally connect with him, but that part of you is terrified of intimacy.

a psychotherapist would be most likely to help you. personally... i'd reccomend someone with a humanistic / psychoanalytic slant, but really, its more important that you find a therapist who you feel some kind of connection too.

the problem doesn't sound stupid at all.

> Fear of intimacy: Character pathology arising out of insecure attachment, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder, may be characterized by clinging and need for the other, but when the other person responds and comes closer, the patient becomes frightened and fends off the closeness. Clinically it is my impression that this fending off is in proportion to the degree of need. The patient is afraid that his or her own need will lead to vulnerability and betrayal. Attachment theory would suggest that the patterns of interaction are modeled in detail on early procedural knowledge of interactions with significant others.

This problem does not sound stupid whatsoever. My sister suffers from this, and at the begin of her relationship with her husband, he was very non affectionate as well. I think they may have bonded because of mutual turbulant relationship pasts, yet are very much in love but it takes a much keener eye to see it.

However, lately he has become "touchy feely" "mushy" and "weird" in her eyes. For whatever reason, He suddenly wants to cuddle, hold hands, and basically be what she thought he was not. Our father passed away last year, and while I always knew she was not the physically affectionate type, I didn't notice the extent she pushes away his attempts to be close to her in this manner. Even he would try to hold her hand at the funeral, and I watched her push it away...which was really upsetting to him I could tell.

I told her the same thing I am telling you when she expressed to me that she was scared he was going to leave. Make sure he knows he is special to you in any way possible. Do things for him that only you know how to do. Things that are unique to him, you know he wants, and only someone who has been in his life for the past 3 years plus can do. Keep working on your intimacy issues, because you're right to see that it is a problem that you need to wrap your arms around, but don't put this extra strain that he will leave you if you don't instantly change overnight.

Some of us men are affectionate, I am extremely guilty myself. To a point where my sister actually criticized me for showing to much PDA with my last girlfriend. People are just different, and if you have made it this far with your husband, the truth is he knows this about you. As long as you make him feel loved in other ways and continue to show him that you are attempting to work on yourself and not just giving excuses, trust me, he will not leave.

Camacho has good advice. In your circumstances I'd try to do things that weren't touch-related; I buy my husband cards and little "gifts" (fix his favorite foods, buy "his" candybar or other snack when I'm at the store for something else, when I see something silly or interesting I think he'd like seeing I get it, etc.).

It might help you to say "loving" things in odd places? My husband was getting annoyed because I was talking nonstop :-) when we were at the ATM machine and he was doing a complicate transaction and asked me to be quiet unless it was "important." I waited a bit then said, "I have something important to say" and he finished what he was doing and asked me what it was and I said, "I love you" :-) Now we both laugh and he asks can he take me to the ATM machine and I try to remember to tell him I love him whenever we go :-) Try to make "special" events like that that are easier for you because they don't have as much pressure/aren't expected.

yep.

writing them down too. if it is too hard to say them... buy him a card or something. your post here...

you know...

if he saw that he would probably be very touched indeed.