Controlling and manipulative behavior

I'm not sure on where to start this thread but I suppose I'm looking for other peoples opinions on whether a condition of controlling and manipulative behaviour exists. Also, whether a condition of socio or psychopath behaviour exists, or any others for that matter.

For almost a year I have been in a relationship with someone, and things were going well until about 3 months ago when things took a down turn. It originally started with a break up over a miscommunication/misunderstanding. We were supposed to go on a day trip out but I couldn't find a suitable place close by, weather conditions permitting. This broke down to him feeling that "his summer was being wasted and I just kept making excuses", but in this situation I wasn't it was a legitimate issue. Hours of me begging him to not leave (he packed up everything he had at my place, gave me back his key to my place ) he left. At that point I assumed he was leaving me and never to return. To add to the situation, he had become increasingly distant and seemed to be having more fun with another male friend, that he was with me, which put inside my head the fear of him cheating. That night, in anger, I talked to someone I was talking to before the relationship stared. Nothing sexual or intimate, although that was my plan as a sort of petty revenge thing, but that never unfolded. Things between him and I resolved and we continued on our relationship together.

A few months later, one morning, he went through old facebook messages that were still in my inbox. These messages weren't saved for any reason, just messages left over from talking to people through the years and I had closed the popup window, without the thought of going in to delete the messages. There were messages from the individual I had talked to before the relationship, none during, old messages from my ex, etc. This obviously upset him, and he feels that these messages were kept to re-read. I had honestly forgotten about them and not kept them for any reason. I fully acknowledge that I should have checked and made sure no messages were there, that was my fault. We talked about things that night, he felt that I was lying and saving those messages. I maintain that I wasn't. So an audit of everything I have said and done began, again, I understand why. A situation came up that he questioned from the past; a gym partner that I said I had.

This gym partner was a situation that I had made up to suppress a constant questioning. From the start of the relationship, I was consistently asked "are you use you're ready for this?", "are you sure you really want a long term relationship", etc. To this I always answered yes, in my heart, I know that's what I want and the asking constantly was upsetting to me, knowing how much I am in love and being questioned. I know he has had past issues with people who have hurt him and cheated on him, so I understand the questioning. So in hopes of putting this doubt to rest I created a lie based off of truth. I know, this wasn't a bright idea, but I needed to find a way to stop the questioning that was hurting me. At the time I was looking for a gym partner, solely to help me get into better shape. After sifting through a ton of replies, I came across one that seemed legit. I talked to the person for a little but but I got the impression they were looking for a bit more than just a workout partner, especially when one email from them was quite deliberate in what else they wanted. So with this event I created a lie that I thought would help solidify things and create the confidence he needed to get to the point where my own actions, time and deeds would build the confidence. I created the story that I went to the gym with this individual a few times, innocent working out, he hit on me, I angrily rejected and we never crossed paths again. Well after seeing the message on facebook from the previous person I was talking to, this was called into question. He kept pressing that something physical happened, that there was more to the story, etc. I wanted to disclose that the whole thing was a lie but I didn't feel that it would be believed, and why should it right? So I chose to modify the lie as he offered suggestions as to what happened. That me and the gym pattern looked at each other, that it had some sort of arousal for me, etc. This was not the case as I have never met this person. Eventually tracking and managing the lies upon lies from this became too much. I could see it was maddening for him and I was confused about what stories to stick to and I decided this needed to be cleared. I explained to him in an email that the whole situation was a lie, that this person only existed as far as the email correspondence, that my telling him was a way to instil confidence and avoid the questions he was constantly asking me that made me upset. Obviously this was a terrible idea and I should have gone along with the questions and kept answering that I'm ready and this is what I want. This behaviour was labeled as controlling and manipulative by him. Given the time to reflect upon it, I do see that. I wasn't right to have done. The constant changing of my story would be absolutely maddening, I completely understand that.

This occured over the past couple weeks. Near the end of the past few weeks, he said that I should see someone, a therapist or doctor for having controlling, manipulative, sociopathic and psychopathic behaviour. He also feels that I don't have the ability to show empathy. I agreed that I would see someone and talk with them openly. A couple arguments occurred, specifically the last one, that he would be come violent, throw and smash things, spit at me and get in my face, grilling and gritting his teeth. The last argument was late Sunday night/ Monday morning. It started when I was asked I was going to go see a therapist and get help for my issues. I replied with, yes, I will see someone and take what they say openly, but that he also has to respect that they're the doctor, they know more than he does; has to be open to the idea that yes, there may be something wrong with me and that there also may not be something wrong with me. This ended up upsetting him, he said he felt I wasn't going to take this serious or even go. He said he's going home and walked to his car. I said, that's not what I meant and he is wilfully misconstruing what I said. He got in his car to leave and I walked back into the house.
In these situations, he wants me to chase after him, I know it. In the situations where he tells me he wants me to go home and I go, he chases after me. He says this behaviour is controlling. I can see how it can be, for sure. But this isn't my intent, it's simply to walk away for a moment to calm down. I deal with my emotions by myself.
After walking back into the house, he came back in, angry and got in my face yelling with that I'm again being controlling and making him run back to me. Which again, isn't my intention. I just wanted space to calm down. He grabbed some things that were left there, some things that we got together that he knew had sentimental value to me. The box of rocks we collected on a trip got smashed. This upset me and I told him to get out, I didn't want a domestic situation occurring, because here in Canada, that causes a real headache. I tried to move him towards the door, he didn't want to go, more yelling at me happened, he smashed a large watermelon on the floor. This provoked me more, I pushed him towards the door, he grabbed me and said no he isn't leaving, etc. I then threatened to call the police if he didn't leave, and that I needed to clean up this mess that was made on the floor. He wouldn't leave so I pretended to dial the police and talk like I was speaking with police dispatch. I did this because I wanted him to calm down, he was grabbing at me and yelling and spitting at me. Upstairs we had a moment where we both calmed down a little, he sat on the floor by the door, I on the stairs. He was crying, my head was in my hands. I felt such an urge to get up and sit beside him and comfort him, but something held me back. Something I can only say was fear. His stomach was upset, he went to the bathroom to throw up. I consoled him for a moment after he came out. He then decided he was going home, angry at me for faking the call to the police. A few minutes after he left out the door, I went after him, because I just wanted to hold him again. The empathy that I wasn't showing at the time, came flooding in. I saw his car make it to the road, just down from my house and I ran after him, across the grass. I did this without shoes on and ended up stepping on something incredibly sharp in the grass, a rock or stick or something, and fell. I looked up to see if he saw me running and for a moment, brake lights were on. I thought he saw me but then they went off. I shouted "NOO" and got up, continued to run after. A few times again brake lights on, brake lights off, but he never saw me running behind him. Eventually he got too far and out of sight. I collapsed on the side walk in tears. The empathy he wanted was now pouring down my face and he was nowhere in sight. This is the last time we saw each other for over a week.
I spent the next week reflecting on everything I have done over this relationship, things done right, things done wrong, things he wanted changed. I decided the therapy was a good choice, and have been going on a 2 day a week basis. The Friday of that week, I wrote a heartfelt apology letter, in it, the understanding of all I had done wrong, and my honest commitment to changing my behaviour and being more supportive of him. I put effort into the letter as I meant it, I got a potted flower, his favourite flower and a card. I left this on his front door step for him. Two days later I came by to see him and beg for forgiveness and the chance to right my wrongs. At that point he said there are consequences for my actions and that were over.

Since that point we have had contact, but the position were in is awkward. He tells me I need to get help, which I am doing. But I don't know what else to do. I'm committed to the changes in behaviour, I realize my actions are a choice and I need to make the right choices. I know I have a debt to him to fix things, I need to make amends for the things I've done. I'm honestly committed to the changes and will see therapy through.

A few things that may need to be considered too are that for my entire childhood, I was physically, verbally and mentally abused. So when getting yelled at, specifically the grilling teeth and face being pushed against mine, that reminds me of what I had to endure as a child. My normal reaction in this situation is to stand with a blank face and show no emotion. Also, I'm a very intrinsic person, and I prefer to reflect on things by myself. I don't use friends for support often. Another thing that may be of useful knowledge, that there is a history of mental issues on his side of the family, a few of which he has identified as maternal.

I'm not looking to clear my name of any blame. Quite the opposite, I'm looking to identify problems and work to resolve them. I fully realize that I have played a heavy hand in what happened and I'm looking for opinions and suggestions both for fixing myself as well as reparations for the damage that has been caused in the relationship.

Feel free to ask for clarification and details. If I have omitted anything it is purely by accident. I know this is quite a long post but I look forward to the dialogue.

Hello Kevanjdm: I'm sorry you have not received any replies to this post. Long posts here on PC do seem to attract fewer readers. I did read what you wrote.

I'm glad to read that you recognize you need help & are seeking it. This is wise. However, your "significant other" as I'll label him, it seems to me is equally in need of help, & equally at fault for the difficulties the two of you encountered in your relationship. He, however, does not seem to share your willingness to seek help. This is, from my perspective, a red flag. Some of the behaviors you describe are really out of line, to my way of thinking.

This is just my personal thought, having read your post. But I would say that unless & until this person gets some help of his own, I would say it would be best to walk away. So often individuals in abusive relationships keep going back believing that the other person will change. But they don't. Things just keep getting worse until something really serious happens. Better to nip things in the bud, as the saying go.

I wish you call the best as you continue to struggle with this most difficult situation.