[defyinggravity65]

I am dx OCD and GAD and I have social anxiety. I just don't feel right much of the time because it's hard to deal with everything. OCD has been the worst for me, I struggled bad for years and felt like no therapist really helped or understood how bad it was.
My sister never had a mental illness, she was pretty, popular, outgoing, and my mom told me once that she didn't think she would ever experience mental illness because she doesn't have traits that myself and other people with mental illness in my family possess (creativity, intellectual ability). In a way she was saying that mental illness, at least in our family, is equated with being smart and having an overactive mind. I clung to that explanation for awhile because it made me feel better.
Then my sister went through a bad breakup with her boyfriend and it took her a really long time to recover. She ended up going back to his house and hitting him and doing other impulsive things. She got depressed about it and obsessed about trying to get him back and where she went wrong. Then she called me one day and said she got diagnosed with PTSD and I sympathized with her on the phone but I cut the conversation short because I was MAD. I think I was jealous? And i remember being relieved that at least she didnt have the same dx as me. Which tells me i must be proud of mine or like mine or something, right? I never thought I liked my mental illness until now, I guess I do feel like it's made me stronger, like I'm part of a group of people that has to overcome great challenges daily. I guess I feel like it makes me special in a way, maybe it's because my mom said it means I'm smart. Anyway, idk what's wrong with me! I keep trying to tell myself that hers isn't as bad as mine, that hers was just a bad breakup etc. to make myself feel better but I'm just very confused.

[here today]

Being a "mental patient", which I was for awhile as a teenager, became part of my identity. Along with being smart, too. But not so good with people, socially anxious, etc.

So I can definitely understand if your sister who had all the "social advantages" suddenly is stomping on your territory, so to speak. Doesn't mean that makes sense rationally, of course.

I've pondered my own stuff long and hard and have come to the conclusion that stuff like what you describe comes from a "visceral", almost survival place that can get all confused and messed up due to childhood issues, dysfunctional family, imperfect parents with their own unresolved stuff from the past, etc. Or maybe it's just THERE.

Aristotle, the Greek philosopher from long ago, had an interesting understanding of envy. He saw it as an impulse to emulate someone but then that impulse was impossible. Like you see what seem like advantages of your sister's attitudes, appearance, behavior and, as a social creature, you may want to copy that for your own life. Makes sense. But you're not as pretty (maybe), have a different temperament, different talents, and so you can't. Full stop on the emulation thing. Wish to emulate, can't, results in anger/envy.

So, you have made a place (and role) for yourself based on what strengths you do have. But it's very territorial-like, it can generate a feeling that you need to protect it, again a survival-level response, and you don't like your sister impinging on it! She has her own thing, which you can't have, even if you want it!!

There's nothing wrong with you!!!! People are complicated creatures. Sounds like you felt love and compassion for your sister as well as anger/envy? You chose to be as kind as you could and the survival-level stuff in you was just doing it's thing. Trying to watch out for your personal well-being, not necessarily your sister's. Of course when that stuff is too prominent it is NOT good for our personal and social well-being. But if it didn't help us survive in some sense I don't know why it would be there?

Unless it's like an appendix, it used to be useful but is no more. In that event, being aware of it may help to keep it from getting "inflamed" or rupturing. It's definitely bad if we have appendicitis but there's nothing wrong with having appendix. Just the way we are made.