[BriarWolf86]

Good evening. I had a quick question (followed by a ridiculous length of optional details) regarding a possibility that has been suggested to me by my own psychologist and psychiatrist, as they've both stated that my mother sounds like she may be a sociopath. Is it common for a sociopath mother to make just one of her children her primary target or scapegoat, even if she has multiple other children? I am the only one who lives here with her, or sees her on a regular basis. She has said that she's afraid for me to leave, because that would leave her with just my father here, and he's kind of a piece of work himself.

If you'd prefer to stop reading there, that's basically the bottom line for my question. I'll provide some more details below, in case that might be helpful in answering the question.

About 18 months ago my mother sat me down and told me that my husband was killing me and to divorce him, and told me not to worry about anything because she would help me financially, help with transportation when needed, help me get respite time, and help me make personal progress towards becoming independent after divorce. I may have stuck it out in my marriage a bit longer if I had known that she had no intention of making good on any of those promises of help that she made. Within months she began treating me like I was an unwelcome burden and that I was taking advantage of some offer that I had merely assumed was on the table, but never truly was.

Since then I have felt like her primary target and scapegoat, and it's crushing my spirit on a daily basis. I feel like I'm the most "sensitive" child that she raised, but I'm also maybe the "strongest", even though I don't always feel like it. My twins and I have all been diagnosed with autism, and I often feel like she chose me as her target because it was easy to isolate me and keep me dependent on her - mostly due to my twins' diagnoses. I am high functioning, but I have a good work history and overall earning capacity. My son is profoundly autistic, and he requires a tremendous amount of support to make it through each day. My daughter is moderately autistic, but she doesn't require quite as much support and is quite functional in general, and by most observations seems like a "typical but difficult child". I feel like my situation made me the perfect target and scapegoat for her to get the attention and reactions she wants from the individual people or audiences she chooses.

She offered me help and support, but now blames me for taking her up on the offer. What's worse is questioning the promises she made. Almost every time she has promised me anything involving her having to be generous with her effort, time, or money, she frequently denies ever making the promise at all. She denies the promise as well as the entire conversation that went along with it, and tells me that she's sorry that I'm remembering things incorrectly again. If she can't deny the promise entirely, she will come up with some excuse as to why I don't deserve for her to make good on the promise.

What's worse is that my children and I have been very isolated here. I'm treated like I'm asking too much of her if I ask to go out of the house with the children more than once every month or two. My children are bored and restless, and seem to have developed some maladaptive behavioral issues resulting from being almost completely isolated to the house and yard.

She has said some extremely cruel things to me, but I will only mention the most cruel one because this post is getting entirely too long. When I returned from the psychologist with my diagnostic paperwork, I didn't immediately tell her what my diagnosis was. She asked about a week or two after I received it, and when I told her it was high functioning autism she said, "Oh great. So what is your plan now? Are you going to apply for disability benefits and spend the rest of your life being a leech?". I told her that was ridiculous and mean, and that I still had plans for the future, but I was considering a different path from nursing, one with more predictable hours - which would make it less stressful for me with my family situation. Her response to that was, "Good. I was worried about you becoming a nurse, because I know you better than anyone, and I worry that if you had access to patients you would hurt them or kill them on purpose." I cried and told her that was the most cruel thing that anybody has said to me in my entire life, especially my own mother, and she walked away to her room and shut the door muttering something about how whenever she speaks the truth it's impossible for it to please everyone.

I'll wrap it up there, that's a lot longer than I planned it to be. Sorry! I have a habit of doing that here. Also, I understand that the opinions of my psychologist and psychiatrist are just their speculation based on my account of the situation, not a diagnosis. Thanks!

EDIT: I forgot to mention that my son receives Social Security disability money each month, and his case worker determined that fair rent for the three of us to live here is $400/month. So I do pay rent, but I don't personally have to work for that money. The mortgage on the house is about $600/month, so it does take some financial stress off of my mother. I am not able to work because, again, I lack the support for childcare to work... at least until the kids are settled in kindergarten in a few weeks. Even then, she will not allow me access to a vehicle. She had promised to help with that, but that's another long story I'd rather not get into. I could apply for disability for my daughter and myself, but I feel those benefits should be used by people who are truly disabled, and my son is the only one who is profoundly autistic. I am definitely capable of earning a paycheck, and I wouldn't feel right accepting disability funds for myself. Using my son's disability to purchase a vehicle would be a huge abuse of funds, as he is the beneficiary, and his money could only be used to purchase a vehicle if his name is on the title... but he's 5 years old, so that's a no go, even though it would certainly benefit him with getting to go out and do things he enjoys.

[here today]

Hi Briarwolf86,

If you want to ask actual sociopaths or maybe narcissists, who sound somewhat similar to your mom, then you might get a better response by posting in the ASPD and NPD forums. But they don't post often and may not even look at the forums often.

If you want to ask other people who have relatives with personality disorders, then there is another forum "Partners of People with Personality Disorders" that you might like to post in - or ask the moderators to move this post there.

My personal view, having had mental health problems for more than 50 years and then finally getting a diagnosis of Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified 7 years ago, is that therapists these days far too easily pass these "diagnoses" off on people whom they have never seen. And then they tell their relatives to get away from us with no real understanding about what it's like even if you DO have a personality disorder and know it.

The important thing, it seems to me, is that you need to have a place to live where you don't frequently get put down or impinged upon.

How old is your mother? Is it possible that age or early dementia could be a factor or has she always been like this? If she has always been like this then you might not realize how unacceptable this is, no matter what her disorder may be. And she may be incapable of realizing it either. So "diagnosing" may not be so important as just recognizing what is going on and how it impacts you. If she really does want you to stay, then it seems like you all have to be able to talk about it somehow, and that seems unlikely if you all never did have that kind of relationship. Possible, maybe, but probably unlikely.

I'm sure this must be very hard, in addition to everything else you have to be concerned about. As you know, you have to take care of yourself first so that you can take care of your kids. Best of luck to you!!

[unaluna]

Yeah, your mother is a piece of work.

In your shoes, i would try to get help from a therapist or a social worker, maybe to get out and live on your own with your kids. Dont you get child support from your ex-husband? Also, a social worker could answer any questions you have about using your benefits. Best of luck to you.