[SayuriSayu]

Hello I'm new here,
First of all, I will start studying Psychology soon. I'm not worried about myself but I'm simply curious and also want to work on things and understand them. In me, in others, everything
There is one very clear memory of my childhood, something I used to be ashamed of or more like disgusted. Now I don't really feel anything about it anymore. When my little brother was just old enough to talk and walk and even earlier, I was abusive sometimes (physically). I wasn't angry, there was nothing that lead to it. There was an urge whenever we were alone to suffocate him. I was 5-6 years maybe. I knew it was wrong, I felt ashamed of doing so but still I couldn't resist. I enjoyed it and at the same time I also suffered because I loved my little brother. On the one hand, I took pleasure from hurting myself because I couldn't bear it. I was very scared that my parents would find out. But also to see him hurt, hurt me especially because I was the one doing it. (I hope this makes sense to you somehow). Sometimes in the swimming pool, I would press his head under water. Longer and longer and feel him struggle and feel horrible and satisfied. Sometimes he cried afterwards. I was scared of myself. I was scared my mom would notice. It stopped eventually.
But I still would have dreams about it. He fell in the sea and I was in a boat with my mum. She didn't notice and I did nothing. I just waited until I heard his head smash against the metal of the boat and it was obvious that he was dead. Sometimes I had dreams like this about my mum as well. I was never physically involved but I watched and waited for it to happen. If I had put in a lot of effort I might have been able to save them but although one half of me screamed and wanted to, there was the other one which waited. This is so confusing. I always woke up crying and when my mom asked me about my dream, I would change the story because I felt so ashamed and disgusted and afraid that she would dislike me.
Did you experience something like this? I'm not a Psychopath for sure... So what was that? I don't understand it...
Sometimes I still have the urge now. When children are very annoying I want to beat them but I can manage that of course and it pleases me to see them hurt while worrying at the same time. I know my mom is like that too. Sometimes she just loses it and can't manage. If I have children in the future, I'm worried I might do it as well. But I think I'm good now with that, I can control my emotions almost perfectly.

Any ideas anyway? I would be really really grateful....

[Skeezyks]

Hello SayuriSayu: I'm sorry I don't think there is much I can say about this in particular. My non-professional thought would be that it relates to some underlying generalized anxiety you carry around with you & perhaps aren't even aware of. But that's just a guess. I think the best thing might perhaps be to spend some time looking into this with the help of a mental health therapist.

You mentioned your concerns about the possibility of having children in the future. You also mentioned you feel you can control your emotions almost perfectly at the present time. One thing to consider is that becoming a parent, & caring for a newborn & / or very young children, can put a lot of stress on a person. So while you may be able to control your emotions almost perfectly now, should you at some point have children you may find this to be more difficult.

Anyway... this appears to be your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[here today]

Did you experience any harm done to you before this started? Something you had no control over and got scared by? Or somebody in your household growing up who may have seemed to have those kinds of feelings? Or, maybe not. Maybe your impulse was just a child's thing and, clearly, you've grown out of it.

If you get a chance to talk to a therapist who knows a lot about trauma, it might be worth your while to explore that -- or maybe not. Several years back therapists got people to "remember" things that never happened, so you certainly wouldn't want something like that to happpen to you!! Take care and good luck.

[mymask]

It sounds like bullying to me. You said your mom is the same, so she did this to you maybe? I would seek therapy on this.