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Talking Jul 22, 2019 at 12:59 PM
  #1
Hello everyone I'm opening this thread so anyone can introduce themselves, and post whatever they are coping with in order to cheer you up or give you some advices if needed ... the idea is everyone feels free to talk about how they feel about themselves and how you manage to live with any type of personality disorder you have

I'll be delighted to see many people posting here and being help in any way possible.

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Default Jul 22, 2019 at 05:43 PM
  #2
Sounds like a great idea!

Hi, I'm Nightsong, newly diagnosed with dependent and avoidant personality disorders, though I think I'm actually schizoid instead of avoidant.

So the new diagnosis is big, but I've been doing a lot of reading about personality disorders and have already learned so much about myself.

As a dependent I have a dilemma. I have physical issues (severe chronic migraines) and bipolar depression that have made it impossible to support myself. At 28, I've never worked full time or lived independently. I live with my elderly grandparents and do what I can around the house on my good days, paying for my own needs from a small government allowance. It's not enough to allow me to move out, but my grandparents are getting to the age where they're talking about moving to a seniors' home. Which leaves me wondering what to do from here.

So - there's what I'm dealing with right now. Hoping others will join in.
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Default Jul 25, 2019 at 12:35 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Nightsong View Post
Sounds like a great idea!

Hi, I'm Nightsong, newly diagnosed with dependent and avoidant personality disorders, though I think I'm actually schizoid instead of avoidant.

So the new diagnosis is big, but I've been doing a lot of reading about personality disorders and have already learned so much about myself.

As a dependent I have a dilemma. I have physical issues (severe chronic migraines) and bipolar depression that have made it impossible to support myself. At 28, I've never worked full time or lived independently. I live with my elderly grandparents and do what I can around the house on my good days, paying for my own needs from a small government allowance. It's not enough to allow me to move out, but my grandparents are getting to the age where they're talking about moving to a seniors' home. Which leaves me wondering what to do from here.

So - there's what I'm dealing with right now. Hoping others will join in.
Hello Nightsong! I'm glad you joined this thread... first of all don't worry about the new diagnose, personally I have BPD with schizoid traits, also dealing with depression and sometimes bipolar maniac episodes, I'm not into meds, but have been doing a lot of dbt therapy and has been working for me, maybe you should try something like that, also instead of meds I'm taking natural "pills" to stabilize my mood swings!

About your grandparents moving, you just gotta trust... everything happens for a reason and maybe this is that lil kick that you needed to do something bigger! Start growing on your own and maybe discover that you are high functioning on your own as well!

We'll be here supporting you anyway! Hope it helped.

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Default Jul 28, 2019 at 12:54 PM
  #4
Hello, I just realized I’ve been on these forums since 2011 lol wow.

I’m a diagnosed Narcissist, and of the malignant variety. So, I’m on the extreme end of the spectrum. I am acutely self-aware, and as a result I am perfectly capable of controlling myself and my behavior around here.

I was largely operating in the shadows here for the first several years I was on here. Testing the waters, seeing what kind of forum this is and if this place was willing to tolerate “my kind” as it were. To my pleasant surprise, it was. So I dropped all of my false personas that I wear automatically over time around here.

I was falsely diagnosed with schizophrenia and everything else under that umbrella for many years because I have a very severe case of type 1 narcolepsy (a sleep disorder, do a google search for more information if you’re not aware of what this is). Nobody bothered to check for this, and because it’s so extreme/severe it did look like psychosis, much to my misfortune. I only recently got this rectified by having to bring the legal system into it because nobody would take me seriously with a diagnosis of “schizophrenia”. But I did get a sleep study done and I tested positive for type 1 narcolepsy, and as one of the most severe cases of it they had ever seen. With my luck I’ll wind up in some academic articles. Wouldn’t be the first time, I wound up in a myriad of academic and other studies due to the severity of my NPD also.

As for what’s going on with me currently, I’ve been doing a lot of self-introspection during my spare time (which I have a lot of, I make quite a lot of money and do not have to work much anymore.) I find out something new about myself every day. I always make a point to dedicate time to increasing self-awareness because I never want to sink into being one of *those* Narcissists who has no idea that they’re a Narcissist.

I was born without the capacity for empathy and therefore I cannot love or connect with people as traditionally defined, nor am I truly capable of remorse/guilt; much in the way primary psychopaths are. However, I do not have the same emotional deficits psychopaths do, the rest of my emotions are fully intact, they’re just extremely narcissistic of course. I am also decidedly not reckless, impulsive, prone to boredom/in constant need of stimulation, do not live parasitically off of others, nobody has ever thought of me as “irresponsible”... And I am fully capable of taking responsibility for my actions because why wouldn’t I? I surely do not want someone else taking the credit for my fine work, again, that’s narcissistic as hell but hey, at least I’m aware of that eh?

Anyways, if anyone has any questions, comments, or concerns feel free to talk to me. I’m quite extroverted and will talk to pretty much anyone.
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Default Aug 01, 2019 at 01:20 PM
  #5
What else is going on with you currently besides self-reflection? Anything with the arts or enjoyment of life generally (apart from the enjoyment of yourself that self-reflection might bring)?
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Default Sep 08, 2019 at 12:39 PM
  #6
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What else is going on with you currently besides self-reflection? Anything with the arts or enjoyment of life generally (apart from the enjoyment of yourself that self-reflection might bring)?

Recently, a lot of **** went down in my life. Nothing overly dramatic or anything. I’m not in any kind of major trouble. Didn’t break the law, my apologies if anyone was wanting that style of a reality tv show kind of update. I’m totally kidding.

Deceit, that’s a word to think about. I’ve had to think about the meaning of that word ... all over again. Why? It was all fun and games for me until I realized that my deceitful behavior had become “autopilot” on a whole new level, I wasn’t in control anymore, though now I’m wondering if I ever truly was in the first place. But that’s a different rabbit hole now isn’t it?

I realized not that long ago, that the person I was deceiving more than anybody else ... was myself. Now, understand that on some level I darn well knew I was full of it, but on another level I kind of ... didn’t, in a sense. I had been on autopilot on that “another level of I kind of didn’t know I was full of it”, which had turned into another form of deceit all on its own. Oh what a tangled web I can weave.

It was almost like a really weird form of ... denial. I vastly dislike having a Psychopathy + Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnosis on my records. It’s been a thorn in my side ever since I got both respective diagnoses, never mind being diagnosed with Conduct Disorder (not Oppositional Defiance Disorder, straight up Conduct Disorder) at the age of 9 or whenever it was. Yes, the two (Psychopathy and ASPD) are separate entities for those who may be reading this and unaware of that fact.

No. I am not going to explain it all, either. This is a support/discussion-in-my-case thread, not an encyclopedia. Use your search engine of choice. The world won’t hold your hand, people.

My life is highly enjoyable most of the time. I’m very live and let live.

Until I need to say, go to the doctor for some kind of an issue like ... my ever persistent migraines, for example. Hello being denied even being given the time to explain the problem because I am a diagnosed Psychopath/Antisocial. Never mind that I have exactly zero drug related anything, benign or criminal, on my records. That kind of utter nonsense is too stupid for the phrase “it’s getting old”. More like “necrosis is most definitely present by now” is far more appropriate, as the ensuing mental image is sufficiently more gruesome and most certainly represents my cold albeit fleeting irritation with the entire thing.

I nearly died due to an environmental toxin several months ago, and I was assumed to be lying about the problem until I walked into the emergency room and I won’t go into detail as I don’t wish to be too graphic and get a wrist slap from the moderators over it ... but I was obviously dying. They were forced to treat me as the legal nightmare they would have been in if I had actually died on their watch would have been vastly unfortunate for them. Regardless, due to the medical negligence for months, I flatlined. Twice. I may have more luck than superficial charm. Well, okay maybe I wouldn’t go that far, but I still got crazy lucky. Lol. Anyways, I got out of the hospital and proceeded to sue my old landlords over the entire thing. Yes, I won. The evidence was overwhelmingly in my favor. I have an excellent legal team too. Like most “successful psychopaths”, or in my case a once “unsuccessful psychopath” who became a successful one, I certainly lack most things that fall under what’s generally considered basic humanity/human decency/etc. but I most certainly do not lack money.

I just call a lawyer when I need medical care now, the thing is though, on principle it seems rather ridiculous that I have to do that because I was born with Psychopathy. I cannot help how my brain is wired. I can only do something about the choices I make within the scope of both my strengths and weaknesses/limitations, just like ... everyone else. Imagine that!

I do so enjoy the arts, especially music. Though lately, I’ve taken up painting, it’s oddly enjoyable and I’ve found it helps me meditate. Active meditation is the only kind I can manage. I am insufferably bored otherwise. Heh.

Oh dear, I wrote a novel. Ah, nothing like scoring a 100 in Extraversion on the good old fashioned Big Five! (I didn’t even lie on that one, go me!)
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Default Feb 09, 2020 at 09:12 AM
  #7
Hello, I'm diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder with Psychopathic Features, and I still have my Callous-Unemotional traits from when I was diagnosed with Conduct Disorder, although they were called "Psychopathic Tendencies" on my sheet. I've also been formally tested for psychopathy using both the PCL-R and the MMPI-2 by different psychologists, to which I scored high enough to be considered one on both. I'm definitely interested to see that I'm not the only psychopath here, but as Atypical_Disaster points out that's probably because the forum seems receptive and genuine.

I have a hard time really accepting my diagnosis. I've had more than one opinion, and even participated in studies on psychopaths, and it's pretty unanimous. I think the reason it's so difficult for me to accept is that I don't really see myself as evil, and I still experience anxiety. Although, according to my clinicians, the "bold fearlessness" of anxiety is more about externalization and disinhibition than genuine aphobia.

I've actually had multiple people who were close to me point out that I'm a "master manipulator," "predatory," and a "control freak." But none of that is really intentional. I'm a pathological liar, so I say things that aren't true compulsively and stretch things into tall tales for no reason. In the moment, I don't really recognize that I'm doing that. It's actually really self-destructive, to the point where I had to be coached on how to force myself to tell the truth.

As for being manipulative, I never really set out to "manipulate" people. I just want to get things from them and I don't really think about how certain ways of getting people to do things are abusive or underhanded. Not that I really would have cared until I learned about enlightened self-interest, but it wasn't really intentional, either. I just forget that other people have emotions and have to force myself to care about them.

Possible trigger:


I still don't have a concrete identity. My psychologist says that it could be because I'm so antisocial that any attempts others have made to define me or put me in a role have been met with hostility from me. So I never really integrated with any role or habit of mine. The closest thing I have to an identity is what I want, and then I'll just do anything to achieve that, but what I want is normally just some form of amusement. In the past, that's made me cruel, but my psychologist helped me pick "pro-social" ways of amusing myself.

I guess I also like having security, which generally means that I try to maintain control or seek out positions of power, but that's just kind of life, isn't it? I guess not everyone wants security to the point that they become as anti-authoritarian as I am, to the point of going beyond irresponsible to intentionally doing the opposite of what I'm told. I suppose at that point it's self-destructive.

But I guess my point is that I'm not really a monster. I don't seek out to con other people or torture them. I'm not defiant to authority just because I want to rock the boat and cause discord. I don't use my free time to come up with schemes to take advantage of the less fortunate. I just have a hard time thinking outside of what I want in the moment. Which makes me self-centered, but not always selfish. I'm egocentric, not malevolent or narcissistic.

Last edited by feb2020user; Feb 09, 2020 at 09:28 AM..
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Default Feb 11, 2020 at 12:21 PM
  #8
Thanks for your post. I was diagnosed with PDNOS several years ago and don't have anything on the outside that most people would characterize as antisocial but I sure have a lot of angry, misantropic feelings on the inside, so I can identify some with what you have written. Also the difficulty of going forward in life with a personality disorder, diagnosed or not.

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. . .
I still don't have a concrete identity. . .
This is a problem, as I understand it, with all personality disorders.

Quote:
Originally Posted by feb2020user View Post
. . My psychologist says that it could be because I'm so antisocial that any attempts others have made to define me or put me in a role have been met with hostility from me. So I never really integrated with any role or habit of mine. The closest thing I have to an identity is what I want, and then I'll just do anything to achieve that, but what I want is normally just some form of amusement. In the past, that's made me cruel, but my psychologist helped me pick "pro-social" ways of amusing myself.
In my case I DID identify with my roles and responsibilities but that was not any kind of internal identity and it disappeared when my late husband died and the kids grew up. And, because I didn't get along in the rest of the world very well I didn't develop anything else.
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Default Feb 11, 2020 at 02:07 PM
  #9
Hi Interrupted Girl,



I just wanted to pipe in and say that this is an awesome thread! Thanks for starting it.

I have been diagnosed with Borderline Pd, Avoidant Pd, and Dependent Pd. I feel that these pretty much sum up the majority of my issues if we were to look through the personality disorder lens.


BUT...


I would argue that a lot of us are actually suffering with Complex PTSD.

Several researchers believe this to be the case as well - and now Complex PTSD has been included in Europe's diagnostic system.


Some consider Personality Disorders to be a manifestation of abuse and trauma, normally from early childhood. So is PTSD. Depending on the trauma along with the particular abuse dynamics at hand, parenting, attachment, and an organic combination of nature and nurture, we begin to develop defense mechanisms that protect us from harm; in those environments.


What may have helped us at the time, may not serve us well in the future.


And this is the behavior that we arguably see from those suffering from personality disorders.


At least, that is my understanding of things.


Along with trauma comes increased potential for long-term PTSD symptoms, and if the trauma is repeated, the trauma pathways in our brain gets re-wired over and over, resulting in additional triggers,


Our abusers damage us physically. Trauma is a physical brain injury.


These defense mechanisms were required in childhood and allowed us to survive in threatening environments. They acted as effective survival instincts in the face of danger, but with subsequent threats, we can often times fail to accurately discern real danger from fake, thus our defense mechanisms are sometimes deemed, not appropriate. If we remain stuck in these patterns whenever we become triggered, threatened or intimidated - it is then considered pathological and according to psychiatry, is then considered diagnosable as a Personality Disorder.


This is what baffles me though.


We need our defense mechanisms in order to survive. And if we literally needed them to survive when faced in past trauma's - shouldn't we treat clients to simply be aware of their triggers, learn to respond, not react - and learn healthier defense mechanisms through showing genuine compassion, empathy and understanding? Seems to me that not until recently, did any professional body recognize thi



This might just account for why professionals always say, "Borderline patients are horrible to deal with!" When really - they are simply treating them wrong.


When someone with trauma is triggered - they react. With self-awareness and mindfulness and learning the ins and outs of coping skills - we can learn to respond in ways that may have been appropriate in our past traumatic circumstances, but might not be in our current ones. If we learn to adapt in this way, we can approach challenging traumatic situations differently.

I'm going to assume this all makes sense, I have written this and have no time to go back and soak it all up.

Thanks,
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Default Feb 11, 2020 at 08:47 PM
  #10
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. . .

Oh dear, I wrote a novel. . . .

And I'm so sorry I missed it until a couple of days ago! I don't check this forum much anymore and just happened to see from the main index that there was a new post on this thread.

Deceit and denial are complicated and. . . well, not at all obvious! Maybe like when I was trying to find the "evil" in myself -- knowing it was there somewhere but not exactly sure where? And it kept hiding. Or "I" kept hiding it because I didn't "want" to see it, only the conscientious rational me knew it was there and thought it would be "good" and "healthy" for me to find and accept it. Well, I had been told that it would be good and that seemed "right" at the time. So that's what I was trying to do. Being a "good girl" was a major adaptation for me -- obsessive-compulsive personality disorder characteristics.

Anyway, so sorry that you had such a horrible medical experience!! You have had more than your share of BAD luck, so it's definitely interesting to hear that you had some GOOD luck, too.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 03:14 PM
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I would argue that a lot of us are actually suffering with Complex PTSD.

[
The way I've heard it is that personality disorders are incredibly co-morbid with PTSD, and that even adult PTSD can lead to developing personality disorders that weren't present in childhood.

Having Antisocial Personality Disorder, I was interested to find that AsPD is a lot more common in people with PTSD than it is in the general public. I've tried to be tested for PTSD, but my clinicians have told me that they don't want to make the mistake of associating PTSD with sociopathy because of the stigma PTSD already has.

I'm pretty sure that my symptoms stem from PTSD, though. I already wrote a post called "Powerlessness" in the AsPD forum about how all of the problems I have with psychopathy and AsPD boil down to control issues that I gained from childhood abuse.
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Default Feb 21, 2020 at 10:00 AM
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. . .
I would argue that a lot of us are actually suffering with Complex PTSD.
. . .
That, and identity or sense of self issues.

Last edited by here today; Feb 21, 2020 at 10:23 AM..
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