[Rapunzel]

I need some help, particularly from those of you who have known me for a while. T has been frustrated with me because I don't seem to make progress. That's nothing new, but I'm wondering now if it really is that I don't make progress or maybe that I don't report progress or maybe I'm not even aware of it. I do know that I've come a long way since the bad year I had in 2003, when I found this community. A couple of the big ones are that I haven't been suicidal now for one year, and haven't cut in about six months. In 2003 those things were pretty intense multiple times. I met my current T in 2004, so I was already starting to change by then. I had started back to school to finish my bachelor's degree. When I started therapy with her, I also went back to work after being a SAHM for 8 years, and having been told by a previous therapist and voc rehab that I couldn't work with people due to social anxiety.

I still have things to work on. I don't focus well sometimes (I lose the point when I feel like someone is picking on me), I often don't communicate well. I say one thing and take it back and change my mind later, or I forget to include an important detail, or I hide what I'm really saying in too much irrelevant junk. I listen to criticism, but tune it out if it gets to be more than I'm comfortable with. I'm more confident than I was, but still afraid of being wrong.

I would really appreciate it if any of you can tell me specific ways that I have changed, as well as specific areas where I still need work.

Thanks for the help! I'm not looking for flattery here, but honest, straight feedback.

Rap

[pachyderm]

I have not known you over time, so I can't help to tell you specific things I have noticed. But I think I can see just from your message that you are growing in understanding of yourself. That is good!

[okiedokie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rapunzel said:
I do know that I've come a long way since the bad year I had in 2003, when I found this community. A couple of the big ones are that I haven't been suicidal now for one year, and haven't cut in about six months. In 2003 those things were pretty intense multiple times. I met my current T in 2004, so I was already starting to change by then. I had started back to school to finish my bachelor's degree. When I started therapy with her, I also went back to work after being a SAHM for 8 years, and having been told by a previous therapist and voc rehab that I couldn't work with people due to social anxiety.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Rap, re-read what you wrote. How can you not think you've made HUGE progress??!! My hat is off to you, my dear.


Okie

[Rapunzel]

Thanks. I am making note of the things that I wrote (I'm making a list to take to therapy next week). I'm also trying to capture more detail, and see if there is something I'm missing. Also looking for more recent progress, as I'm not sure how long I can get away with pointing to at least I'm not as bad as I was four or five years ago. T won't buy that for very long. She says I have made very little progress, and she's tired of sitting around watching me waste my life.

[WinterRose]

I've only known you a few months. I agree with the others. You know yourself really well. My impression of you is of someone who stuggles, but works through things and is competent, but doesn't know it yet. Perhaps you still see yourself as you used to be instead of seeing yourself as you are now. There is so much good work evident in your post.

It may be that you've used up this theapist and gotten everything there is to get from her. Apparently this can happen - my T mentioned it to me, that sometimes you can only go so far with a particular person. Sounds like your T has an agenda for you and expectations that she hasn't shared instead of you two coming to a goal together. What would you define as progress? Do you feel your T is still helping you to progress? From what you've written you've done a lot for yourself with T's support. I think it's a good sign that you are self-directed and have actively worked to change your life even before coming to this T. What would you do as a next step for you if you were the therapist?

Keep up the good work - you're on a good trajectory!

[Rapunzel]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perhaps you still see yourself as you used to be instead of seeing yourself as you are now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I like that idea. Maybe there is something to it. And maybe I'm afraid to show progress due to fear of abandonment. And also I got slammed growing up for trying to be better than I really was. I wasn't allowed to try to present myself in a positive light - it was like that would be dishonest and unacceptable.

I know that I still don't communicate clearly and directly much of the time, so that is something to work on. When I can communicate assertively and not feel bad for trying it, that will be progress. I wonder if I asked T what she would consider progress, if she would tell me anything. I'm not even very clear on what her expectations are. I just know she doesn't think I'm meeting them.

[VoNPD]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rapunzel said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I got slammed growing up for trying to be better than I really was. I wasn't allowed to try to present myself in a positive light - it was like that would be dishonest and unacceptable.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

(((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))
This kind of upbringing is so hard to grow away from. I can relate. I haven't seen many of your posts so can't comment on how you've changed but I sense that since you are a Mod here, you are all about improvement. Hard to imagine you NOT having covered some very good ground!

I think that self-esteem is a neverending goal when one has been raised believing we are 'stupid' or 'less than'.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((( Von ))))))))))

Thanks for understanding.

I wrote to T again last night and just read her reply. I keep trying to explain that I don't want to be so frustrating, and would do better if I knew how. She keeps saying the same thigns over and over, and I don't seem to get it. She says that I demonstrate that I can learn all the time. She gets frustrated at me or mad because I won't apply what I know to myself. So I think that fits here too. What I know is always ahead of progress that I actually show, and I'm trying to figure that out. Could be that I wasn't allowed to show progress. But I've been away from my parents now for as long as I was with them. Why can't I get out of that trap now?

[Fuzzybear]

I disagree with much of what you've said about your T's approach but you already know that I see you as a good friend and a hardworking wonderful person NOT someone who is making "very little progress". I'm sure your T is trying to spur you on to make more progress but don't agree with her methods.

((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))

I just wish I knew what it was that she wanted, but she won't be happy with me for asking. I know she would say it's not about what she wants, but a lot of the time it seems like it really is. I wish I could stop "trying to get it right" and be real. It's scary though. I have a lot of stuff to talk about this week and hope I that I manage to say what I need to. It's so hard sometimes just to stay focused on what really is important. I think that lack of focus is a lot of my problem.

[(JD)]

In many ways for the good. Not that you were "bad."

One way: you are far more self assured of your strengths.

The only time I see you faltering is when you try to appease your T and crumble under her words ( or when you are in a situation and "hear" her words.)

[Rapunzel]

I always think that I'm bad somehow. Maybe I'm getting better at not acting like I think I'm bad quite so much.

For a long time I think I figured that being miserable must be part of the process somehow. But it gets old, and I get tired of it. I wonder why I want her approval so badly but maybe I sabotage myself without consciously knowing it. I always seem to mess up, and I don't think that I will ever be acceptable to her.

[Fuzzybear]

Rap, I feel as if your T is working on changing your behaviour but failing to address your deeper self dislike (self hate? ..) In fact sometimes I wonder if she may be making that worse, if it was me I think she would be Sorry if this is completely off ... I also notice how you say "I don't think that I will ever be acceptable to her" - I wonder what associations you have to that statement?

[Rapunzel]

I'm wondering how much maybe I'm projecting onto her. I've known for a couple of years that I hate myself. Maybe that's where thinking that she hates me comes from. So maybe it's really me that I'm not acceptable to? I don't know. My brain is shutting down - I guess I need to go to bed.

[SweetCrusader]

Rap,

You have improved at believing your feelings/thoughts are valid. For example, now when I give you feedback that you don't agree with, you are much more apt to defend yourself or present a different perspective. And you get better, just about every time I talk to you, at doing that without being overly defensive or hostile. To me, it used to seem more like you either shut down and ignored your own feelings or attacked me for mine if I said anything about you. You have started discussing things with a more balanced perspective.

I think it might be hard for anyone on here to give you feedback about this, because you really share very little about what goes on in your life...

Good luck

A

[kimmydawn]

Wow, Rap, you just touched on something that I think about lots when reading your posts of about the last four to six months.

There is something specifically that I've noticed about you and it's been very cool to watch you grow in this way...you've found your voice...that you have something to contribute and it shows. Not only does it show but it shows with confidence!

Also, in this sharing, your wording is much more to the point with an explanation or relation of why you feel/think as you do. No one walks away from your posts trying to read between the lines or searching through the weeds of words to find the meaning.

What you've retained that's so great, though, is that you show your compassion and understanding, and care enough to go into that detail as well.

Your posts, thoughts and feelings are MUCH more...well...well-rounded and all encompassing. You've retained the best of what you had, putting it together with growth and confidence to make a person who says what she means and means what she says...with absolute grace and tact.

It's such a pleasure to watch and be on the receiving end of. I think PC has helped there, don't you? You've been able to take little leaps in this direction and learn that nothing horrible happened when you tried, and that you were still embraced and cared for. You've sure perfected that in a short time!

It shows me that you're finding yourself, pulling together all aspects of your thoughts and putting them out there for those who want/need, and doing so with a confidence. All this reflects much growth and healing to me.

I'm assuming that this is also going on in real life and, if so, the people in your world are truly blessed.

So cool to see.

KD

[Perna]

Yes, Rapunzel, what did your T say when you brought all this up to her; how did that session go? You certainly look good from here!

[Rapunzel]

Wow, thanks SC and KD and Perna for your replies. I just now found the last couple of them, as I've been overwhelmed with work hours and practicum hours and just trying to keep up. I really appreciate the feedback.

I haven't shared this with T, as since I started this thread, she hasn't told me that I'm not making progress again. I've just been trying to show that I am working hard. I still have lapses though, but I don't fall as far back as I used to. I pretty much just get frustrated and want to hide. This week might be a good time to go prepared with all the evidence that I have in fact changed, since she didn't sound too happy about my emails this last weekend about my impending melt down. She suggested that I try coping.

[RiverX]

Well done for asking this vulnerable question.
Would you like my response given though I didnt know you in your previous life? I hope I have something to say which may be helpful, I can do my best.

riverx

[Rapunzel]

Yes, River, I would love to know what you have to say. Thank-you.

Rap