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Kacknyne
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Kacknyne One day at a time
 
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Question Mar 15, 2020 at 02:32 PM
  #1
Hello everyone! I'm trying to process through some stuff and I am looking for some insight. I have C-PTSD along with NPD. I have childhood trauma that effects me along with trauma from my stent in the army. I struggle with anxiety, depression, abandonment, rejection, selfishness, jealousy and self confidence. I also have controlling issues and manipulation tendencies. My wife had BPD. We have been together for 8 years and married for 5. Throughout our relationship I have lied, manipulated, been fake, hidden things and been controlling. When my wife and I have argued about my issues, I say I will change. I make an effort for a couple weeks until I see she is "happy" again, then fall right back into my old self. This has gone on for the entirety of our relationship since probably the 1 year mark. We go through this every 3-6 months or so.

Our last "fight" happened about 2 months ago and since then we have really been in a rut. We both are seeing therapist now and trying to cycle through our individual issues. It has put a huge strain on our marriage. She wants a divorce/separation because she feels that she doesn't really know me and was tricked into our relationship. Part of me doesn't blame her, but the other part of me loves her so much and I'm afraid to lose her. Afraid she will discover she's happy without me before she gives me a chance to change.

We were looking up info on narcissism and how it cannot be "cured" but you can learn to manage the severity and duration of the narcissistic tendencies. I told her I will get better I don't care what it takes.

Here are a few questions I have:

1. Has anyone here dealt with or have narcissism and were able to over come it? And if so, how?

2. Is anyone here in a relationship where one partner has C-PTSD/PTSD and the other has BPD? And if so, how do you manage it?

3. Has anyone here been through a divorce/separation in a relationship and that action made the relationship stronger in the end? And if so, how did it work?
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Default Mar 17, 2020 at 08:34 AM
  #2
I have diagnosed NPD (with ASPD sprinkled on top, I’m “malignant” as it were) and I’ve been dealing with it for a long time. I’m still dealing with it, though I can tell it’s gotten “better” in some respects. I also have quite a history of being deceitful and manipulative.

Generally, whether they have NPD or not, people have zero incentive to change what they’re doing if whatever they’re doing has benefits that outweigh any not so great consequences. In light of this my question becomes:

Why do you want to “get better”?

Knowing what exactly your motives are is important, otherwise you’ll just sabotage your own efforts (I’m speaking from experience here.)
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Default Mar 18, 2020 at 04:51 AM
  #3
I want to get better for myself. I want to be the best I can be so that I can be a better father and husband. I love my wife and my family. I deserve to be better. They deserve me to be better.
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Default Mar 18, 2020 at 03:17 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kacknyne View Post
. . .Part of me doesn't blame her, but the other part of me loves her so much and I'm afraid to lose her. . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kacknyne View Post
I want to get better for myself. I want to be the best I can be so that I can be a better father and husband. I love my wife and my family. I deserve to be better. They deserve me to be better.
This last quote seems to be coming from your "best" side, but still one focused on your image of yourself.

I don't have NPD according to the DSM. I was diagnosed with PDNOS about 10 years ago and probably qualified for OCPD earlier in my life. I tended toward the goody-good side of my "split" motivational system. Sounds like you may have something similar, but it tends toward the selfish side?

There wasn't any therapist that I could find who could help me much. I have some control over my actions sometimes but not what pops up from the motivational systems as potential actions.

I hope that your wife can appreciate and understand you somewhat. My children deserved me to be better, too. But I was and am as I am. I have tried to accept that and move forward from now, from each moment. This is especially hard when I feel I have made a mistake that hurt somebody else or hurt me. But it is what it is and the past has been what it has been.

It's very hard for me to see that the best I could do has been pretty lousy in lots of ways, lots of times.. Others here, if not so much in the "real world", will understand if you are doing the best you can -- and it certainly sounds like it from your posts.

We can strive for the best and that helps us go beyond where we were, maybe, but we are all still limited in some very painful ways, sometimes. And that's everybody, not just people with CPTSD and PD's.
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