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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2002
Location: Washington, USA
Posts: 1,130
22 |
May 25, 2008 at 02:49 PM
#1
The "the have you ever been" thread brought forward a problem I am having right now. I have worked really hard to stop seeing in Black and White, to see the grey in the situation. This is a good thing I believe BUT in my current situation it has raised a big problem. My husband cheated on me, he was a jerk pure and simple, tearing me down to make the excuse for his behavior. I stood firm and didn't allow him to do it using my anger as my ally instead of the enemy it was. This was a year and a half ago. Now, with effort I have focused on seeing both sides of the issue so that I can grow within myself. The Problem is, now I can't maintain the anger I had about what he did. In many ways this would be good BUT he is just as sick as me probaby sicker since I have worked so hard on healing myself so it would be STUPID for me to allow him back into my life. But he is comfortable and when he is living elsewhere it is easy to ignore the things that really hurt because they are not always rubbing up against me. Ya know what I mean?
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Pandita-in-training
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
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May 25, 2008 at 03:50 PM
#2
Anger is just an informer of where you have a problem; it's not supposed to be "maintained"! It's just a feeling like the others and when the situation is addressed, it goes away!
Way to go working so hard on looking to find the grey and see multiple points of view. But if your husband hasn't been doing that too, you can use that as your focus; he's not going to be so "comfortable" if he comes back because you've grown beyond him! Your memory of him is comfortable. But his time has passed and he didn't do anything with it to keep up with you. Keep him and his hurtful ways "not always rubbing up against you". Think of him like contact dermatitis and don't come in contact with him or you'll get blistered, rashes, and itching again, etc. He's a bad chemical in your laundry detergent :-) Look for a better detergent for you 
__________________ "Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
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May 25, 2008 at 07:02 PM
#3
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Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2007
Posts: 1,383
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May 26, 2008 at 12:12 AM
#4
Are you saying you want the anger back so you won't be tempted to let him come back?
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2002
Location: Washington, USA
Posts: 1,130
22 |
May 26, 2008 at 04:12 PM
#5
Perna, I love the laundry detergent reference. Unbelievably fitting.
Doh, Exactly! If I can be angry I will not be in danger of allowing him to come back. The thing I want most in the entire world is for someone to take care of me. I think that is the basis of my disorder. As a child my parents were distant, there but not, I want someone to take care of me like they should have when I was little. What I am afraid of is that if I don't remain angry I will forget what a jerk he is. We are getting along well now that he isn't around to be a jerk. I enjoy going out to dinner with him. It is hard to hold the understanding that he is a cheat in my head when he is being nice to me. I am not strong enough yet. And I so want him to take care of me even though I know he can't. The fantasy is so inticing. Hmm, Maybe that is why I came so close to hurting myself last thursday when I have done so well for the last year and a half. Maybe that was a defense mechanism, trying to create a physical reminder in place of the ability to remember in my head? Zen |
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