[2bfree]

thank you, you know who

I'm thanking a poster because I came to talk about the same thing but have also never really revealed to anyone what happens. I got close with my partner one day but did not tell the truth. I'm starting to realise I need someone to talk to about some things, but I'm not sure where to start so that's why I joined here.

I am not sure what I'm looking at yet or what I will need to do, but my partner has been home sick for a few days, and I'm realising that without being able to go into my other world, it's really wearing me down and I can't cope with just being "me".

It used to be when I was younger like I had imaginary friends, I was myself, but there were others around me that real people could not see. Now when I'm in my other world I'm very very rarely me, and most times someone fictional that really doesn't even exist, so I can make everything perfect about them. It's almost always their number one attribute that they love unconditionally and have time/energy for everyone. Also almost always male and always strong/tall (I'm female) I do still realise that this is imaginary(and can keep it up if I don't pass a mirror), but it's nice to just imagine being someone else who has already got it all together although mostly they will be emotional and may have some "issues" as they like to say, they are the type to embrace them and say flick it if you don't like it. I can't, I pretend to be normal and when people start to notice there is something off with me I panic and retreat. If I say something stupid because I'm trying to pretend to be something I'm not, I don't retract it, and leave that person thinking I actually meant what was said, then this haunts me (for years). When I'm at work, or any quiet time really, I can slip into being another person, especially if I'm around those who don't know me well (without talking to anyone). Around loved ones I can't do this (hence my hard time now with partner being around 24/7).

I also get depressed, I don't know if it's bipolar, I do get really silly/giddy sometimes but usually just try to reign it in so I don't annoy anyone. Sometimes in moments of clarity I think that my giddy moments are very childlike (partner comes home and I'll hide and make him find me, just to have a laugh, sometimes I'll spin around etc) and my depression is very low but I have also had a few deaths in my family over the past few years that I don't feel I ever really found any comfort or healing with, and my sadness is worse now than it was before.

I know that I want to talk to someone but I'm not ready I am almost certain I'm heading for some sort of medication, I'm not even being completely open right now about all that goes on, but I feel that once I do I'm going to sort of have to hand someone else the wheel for awhile until I get sorted out and I'm just not ready to do that yet.

Any thoughts? All responses are appreciated

[ECHOES]

Your post sounds very familiar to me, in that I see myself in many places.
Particularly wanting so badly to be seen/heard/loved unconditionally yet at the same time, not able to let others 'see' me. Conflicting, isn't it?!

Also a feeling of a false self (a defensive behavior that protects).

After much reading, I thought Borderline aptly describes me. I asked my therapist and she readily agreed. She thought it fit too, and had thought that for a long time but neither of us think that the diagnosis is as important as the particular symptoms/difficulties one has.
Medication? I'm not sure why you think this would be helpful.
I took anti-depressants for years but realized they were only minimally helpful because my moods swing wildly, suddenly, and in response to many stimuli.

Therapy is what has helped me. I had been in different therapies for years also (CBT, REBT) that were not helpful. Maybe not the type of therapy for me, or maybe I was not ready. Who knows. But I talked to someone very close to me who talked to me about psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapy, something I knew about and wanted many years ago. I realized I still wanted this so I found someone who offered this type of therapy and have been with her for a year and half. It is the best thing I've ever done for myself, the best gift ever.

Maybe therapy would be helpful to you?

[Greg77733]

Hi, I am not a therapist so take this with a grain of salt. It sounds to me that your past sucked. Your role playing is trying to fix what was broken in your youth. It also sounded like you are all or nothing, Black and White, no gray. Have you self harmed? Are relationships supper hot, then cold? Were you abused as a child? If there is some yes to those questions, I would say you are what I am, Bordeline Personality Disorder. If yes, search for a therapist that could deal with this problem. A lot of them don't like too. Don"t hold stuff in, or wait to long to get help. BPD is easier to fix with youth. I sought help at the age of 43. I am 47 know. My therapist or old therapist told me that. Take care, Greg

[Rapunzel]

Hi 2bfree,

Are you considering talking to a mental health professional, or are you in therapy? It is one thing to identify or diagnose a problem, but that doesn't help much without doing something about the problem. Living with depression, grief, and being so worn down that you need to escape into another world isn't a very fun or fulfilling life, and I'm sure it is hard for you, and also for people around you and people who care about you.

That said, and considering that you do know the difference between the other world of your imagination and the reality of this world, you might want to do some reading about schitzotypal personality disorder.

http://psyweb.com/Mdisord/jsp/scpd.jsp

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx33.htm

This is one of the less common personality disorders usually identified. When you mentioned going into your "other world" it reminded me of a girl I worked with in residential treatment who had schizotypal personality disorder. When she got upset or overwhelmed she would talk about "going back to my other world." This was really a good girl, who was having a lot of trouble coping with getting along in the world. She could be quiet and withdrawn, but she was also talented and intelligent, and when she was able to recognize her problems and gain a bit of confidence I saw her really start to bloom and get along quite well. I think that getting some treatment could help you a lot too. And, just a hint, if you can pretend to be someone who has it all together, you have those qualities within yourself that you admire, and can learn to access them without having to be another person. Everything you like about those other people you become is part of you already.

TC,
Rap

[Mouse_]

Going into a fantasy world is a childs way of escaping whatever it is around them they cannot handle...or a way of getting needs met that are not getting met .....I think to a degree lots of people do this.....I don't feel comfortable that people are saying its this personality disorder or that personality disorder....yes you sound as if talking to someone would be of benefit, but medication doesn't have to be a must...