[chrise]

i am new to the boards. i was dx with borderline pd when i was 18. went through extensive therapy, long term hospital stays and then my life changed. i seemed to have a normal life. i got married, had a job, had 4 kids,and ended therapy before all of this. i thought that life was behind me. we moved to a different state so we are pretty isolated. my family doesnt know my past difficulties. now, after 10 years it seemes to have returned. i feel i cant take it anymore. been on antidepressants for months from my primary care dr. and it doesnt seem to help. i use to be a cutter and all the urges have returned. i dont know what to do. i started seeing a social worker through a clinic, because i have no insurance, but i can only see her every 2 weeks she doesnt have time. i cant really open up yet only seen her 2wice and have trust issues. i feel i cant sit in my own skin, depression, irritable, self injury urges, rageful, and moody. i have been down this road and scared where its going. it was a very , very long road and there are no borderline therapists here. hopeless.

[Direction]

Welcome...glad you found PC...I can kind of understand...I've been away for about year from PC...things are not going well on my side...it seems it creeps up under stressful situations...moving away for you maybe one of the big ones...

Here to help...or at least let you know you are not alone...

[thalia2]

Hi Chrise - I'm pretty new here too. I'm sorry you're going through this - it sounds really painful. I just had some thoughts. I don't know if any of this will be helpful.

1. Is there a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) group anywhere in your area? DBT is usually class/group therapy - so I'm guessing that the cost will be a lot lower than individual therapy. I haven't done DBT, but I did group therapy in the 90s, and at the time it ran me $30 per week. They also were able to scale the payments by income. I'm also guessing that if the last time you were in therapy was a decade ago, they didn't offer DBT. It's now a very common treatment for BPD. Ask your social worker if she knows.

2. If you're interested in cognitive behavioral therapy there's a good book that helps you do some of it on your own. Feeling Good by David Burns. There's both a book and a workbook and it's something you could work on between appointments. It helps with distorted thinking. Althought it's not targetted at BPD as much as mood disorders and anxiety.

3. But speaking of mood disorders. Have you been screened for bipolar? There's a lot of controversy about the overlap or misdiagnosis of bipolar as BPD and vice versa. Or whether BPD is an affective disorder in some people. I'm personally agnostic on the subject and I don't want to advocate either side. But I do wonder about the fact that what you've experienced isn't chronic but episodic. It's one thing to have chronic problems that get a lot worse during times of stress. But to be pretty much fine for a decade and then suddenly to relapse - even with stress - I just think it's something to consider. And if it is bipolar then maybe that might explain why the AD's aren't working. Or if you're feeling worse on antidepressants. Even if it not bipolar but unipolar depression - maybe it's the wrong antidepressant. Even if it's neither - maybe it's *still* the wrong meds and you need something else. Is there any possibility of seeing a psychopharmacologist?

4. Isolation is *terrible* for both mood disorders and BPD (and pretty much anyone else). If you're isolating - or not seeing anyone but your husband and kids - then that should be one of the first things to work on. Think about volunteering, or joining a local church - or something - that reliably gets you out of your own head and interacting with people. I know if you're depressed that can be really overwhelming - but it's so important.

5. Just because you have some of the same feelings as you did when you were younger, doesn't mean the same thing is going to happen. You're older and wiser now - and probably in better control of your impulses and more aware of how harmful and unhelpful acting on those destructive urges are. I'm sure you learned a lot more during your first bout with this than you realize. So don't panic that you've made no progress or are doomed to repeat the past. From what you've said it sounds like you're *not* cutting and are self-aware about your rage and irritability. You may feel the same way but so far you're not acting the same way. That is HUGE. That shows you're not the same person you were and you should give yourself tons of credit and have faith that you will get through this - and it doesn't have to be as traumatic as when you were young.

6. Make sure you're doing basic self-care: exercise, eating well, getting enough sleep. Exercise can be as effective as any antidepressant for depression.

Anyway take care - you're not alone. I hope you write more.