[Sherryanne]

My mom and I were having a talk with my T and they were talking about the problems that I face and some of the things I tend to do, like how I manipulate people and so on. And my T said to my mom, if I asked you to change everything you are, could you do it. She says that some of the things that I do are part of personality and it is very hard to change it. It can be helped with meds and alot of therapy, but it is not easily changed.

So I started to wonder can you change personality. I mean after all isnt that what BPD is, a pervasive pattern of instability in who you are. And in that case how do you change who you are. I was just wondering about that. Is that why BPD is so hard to treat because you're changing the person. Or are you really. I dont know, I think you cant change a person, all therapy does is help you manage who you are, not change it.

[CedarS]

My guess is that we probably can't totally change our personality but we can change our behavior.

Therapy, working on getting rid of negative habits and building new good habits, meds - all can go a long way to help us be more at ease in the world.

I suppose there are all sorts of theories about personality and change. I guess the best thing to do is find what works for you.

[Perna]

You can't necessarily change who you "are" but you can change how you behave. You can learn to behave differerently, to stop and think before you respond, etc.

One's personality is what makes them who they are and that's fine; it helps others have a clue about you and how you usually/might respond so they can adapt their behavior to you too. It makes me think a little bit of memory; if you couldn't remember anything and had to start over every day (like the movie "50 First Dates" http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/50firstdates/ ) that's kind of what it would be like if you could change your personality easily.

[Locust]

To some degree, I think different things can help shape personalities, so one can change over time, but normally dramatic change doesn't happen overnight. I love what this one site had to say about "curing" bpd. I hope it is okay to quote it and give a link. I am not trying to spam. I just don't want to quote something or someone without linking to them if they have it online because it seems like not giving credit.

Ellipses are used here to show when I ommitted something from the quote. At the bottom of the page it says, "Yes, there is a cure in the sense of it will be then impossible to diagnose a bpd disorder. That's mean bpd traits we be lowered enough to not being diagnosed....Of course the treatment's goal.......is not to make you another person. It is not to change your 'nature' but to lower suffering.
It is not because you have a bpd disorder that you are hypersensitive, no ! It is because you were hypersensitive that you were 'at risk' for bpd ! Then, if we cure bpd, we don't 'cure' sensitivity ! When we have bpd, hypersensitivity serve self-destruction and when bpd is cured, hypersensitivity can serve others... " http://www.aapel.org/bdp/BLborderthecure.html

Again, hope that is okay. I just thought it relevant since it explains how it isn't to completely change who you are. Also, keep in mind that since some people with bpd have an unstable personality and aren't really sure who they are, then they don't have a fixed personality to start with. This is not true for all BPD people as far as I know, though, but it is common, correct?

[AboveAllOthers]

You can change behavior and personality but personality is far harder to change. One of the things I'm in therapy for is to change the personality disorders (i.e. my NPD), which is supposed to take a lovely 3-4 years if I commit to it (which I haven't really done, so it'll take longer then). Personality is part of who you are, so you're trying to change a core element that's been with you for almost your whole life. Supposedly it can be changed or it can be "dimmed down". Anti-social personality disorders and NPD both can have not caring about other people's feelings, lack of guilt and remorse, not understanding people, etc..., all of which I happen to have. I can easily fake any of the emotions (only really feel anger, the rest not really) easily and effectively, and fake guilt but truly feeling guilt and remorse will take a lot longer (or just won't ever).

[Rapunzel]

Originally Posted by Sherryanne

So I started to wonder can you change personality. I mean after all isnt that what BPD is, a pervasive pattern of instability in who you are. And in that case how do you change who you are. I was just wondering about that. Is that why BPD is so hard to treat because you're changing the person. Or are you really. I dont know, I think you cant change a person, all therapy does is help you manage who you are, not change it.

Therapy, to me, is a process to help you to understand and more fully become who you are. BPD is so hard because we tend to not know who we are, and we try to be who we think we are supposed to be depending on external cues that are never the same and often conflict, and then we don't know how to act. Therapy for BPD is to help you to find your real self and develop your own real self and identity and be secure enough to be you even when external cues fluctuate and change. When you know who you are, you can have stability that you can never develop when you are trying to change constantly to match the environment (as we had to try to do to survive in the chaotic environments we grew up in).

[blameme]

There is a good book that will help you, your mom and anyone else with understanding BPD and ways to help deal with it is an older book, but I believe it is a very good book. It is called "I hate you,don't leave me." by Jerold Kriesman, M.D. & Hal Straus. I believe it is imparative for all to read who are suffering from or have a loved one suffering from BPD