[Miss Laura]

Hi i am new to this board. I am just wondering if anyone can help clear something up for me please.

Ever since i was little i have always had a quick temper. But i use to be able to control it. However when i hit my teenage years i was a complete utter *****. I feel so sorry for my parents. I thought it was just my hormones etc. But i was very difficult.

What i have done and some i still do

Shout- STILL DO
Slam Doors
Thump up the stairs
Fight constantly with my Brother and Sister
Fight constantly with my parents- STILL DO
You can actually say i use to have temper tantrums(not proud of this)
Smash things
Trash things
Throw things
Ran off once was back in the house within 4 hours
Say hurtful things to my parents and siblings- STILL DO
Hit my head with my hands(not proud of this)
Hit my head on the wall(not proud of this)
Punch the wall(not proud of this)
Get frustrated and angry for unexplained reasons- STILL DO

I do not understand how and why i become the monster who i am when like this. My parents use to say i was mental and that i need to see someone. I refused blatently to go. I was of age where they could not force me into this.
I was never like this at school or in clubs. I was pardon the pun an angel. I do not understand what is wrong with me. For years i thought maybe i am mental. Maybe i am stupid and a nutter.

I feel like it all just gets too much and i do not know how to deal with the emotions?!?!? I am a young woman and i refuse to get close to anyone incase they see me for who i really am.

Anyone know if i am normal or if i am insane?

[MyBestKids2]

Hi Miss Laura

Welcome to PC! Sorry you are having such a hard time controlling your anger. Am I right to assume this only happens at home? I really do think its a good idea to see a therapist. All of us who visit with a therapist aren't "mental".

Good luck and keep us updated!


Dee

[Miss Laura]

Hey Dee thanks for replying. Yes this happens in the house. I am normally quite a quiet and shy person. I do not go for confrontations as when i do i get a racing heart, sweating palms and i go bright red from embarrassment.

I find of late that i get angry and upset for the least little things. I am also very emotional of late. For the past 3 years i have been an emotional wreck. I put it down to the fact that my grandparents died. My Gran died in January and My Grandad died in March 2005 and ye i became quite angry, upset and generally quite peeved off. This is where most of my fighting etc came into it.

Do you think i should see a therapist? I do not know if i can do it?

[Locust]

Laura,

I also have had anger issues and have done many of the things you named on your list. I related to some of your words. Feeling like a "monster" and being afraid that if you get close to someone they will, as you said, "see me for who i really am." I just wanted to get the part about you not being alone out there up front.

Secondly, you are not insane. You may have anger issues, but you aren't insane.

Third, it sounds to me like your grandparents' deaths might have been the catalyst for this anger prob. I could be wrong, but it seems possible. Sometimes our emotions do weird things. For instance, in the past when one thing has upset me, it has manifested in seemingly unrelated ways. I became more irritable in general and got extremely frustrated over little things as you mentioned doing yourself. In truth, it wasn't the little things that I was really upset about. Also, just as fear can sometimes turn into anger, hurt can manifest as anger, as well. Maybe your pain concerning the loss of your grandparents is causing you to have issues with your anger. This does not make you a monster. A monster would not be worried about their behavior or its effect on others. A monster would not have been upset about their grandparents' passing enough to be affected as profoundly as you have been. You are not a monster. Just hurt, angry at painful circumstances, and reacting, I think.

If you can see a therapist, this would probably be helpful for you. Anger can really damage your self esteem, your mood, the mood of loved ones, and your relationships with people. Also you need to address the grief underneath all of this, I think. What makes you say you may not be able to see a therapist?

I wish you luck with this. You can pm me if you like.

~Locust

[Miss Laura]

Hey Locust thanks for the reply.

I think i would feel like an idiot for being the way i am. I feel that people out there are far worse than me?

You know what i have not got a clue what i am scared of if its because i am so bad or if its cause i feel i have dissappointed people!

I also think if i go to my doctors they will think i am being silly and wont take it seriously.

Maybe i am just making excuses up

Thank you again

[veronicapll]

I do not think you are stupid, because you are recognizing that you need help....

[blondz77]

while i read what you wrote it brought back so many bad memories because i did the same things.. especially hitting my head off stuff. Then after all of it is out i feel so stupid and think WTF!!! my parents just thought i was a difficult child and nearly sent me to boot camp. But they didnt realize something was wrong until i acted the same in my adult years and when i tried commiting sucicide and kept running away i was sent to docs. I am still looking for ways to control my anger, and i find i feel better after i swim or walk. but my main concern is when something happens and i need to face it at that time, not go swim then face it... if anyone has advice on this it would be great and no those stupid little stress balls dont work, they only become an object to throw lol

[Locust]

Laura, you are most welcome to the reply. You said you want to avoid the doctor because you would feel like an "idiot," you think others are worse off than you, you feel like a dissapointment, and you think the doctors will view you as "silly" and will not take you "seriously," and will feel you are making up "excuses".

I know what you mean. I also feel sometimes like maybe I have just been making excuses, I can help myself, everyone else is worse off than me, the shrinks will think I am silly, etc. You know what, though? Maybe to some degree I can help myself more than I do, and when I was worse, maybe I could have done better than I did, but the truth is, I still had a problem and I needed help to get better and do my best. All my attempts to halt my anger didn't work. Besides, if I had managed not to react as angrily towards people, I prob. would have just taken it out more on myself, anyway. I did that sometimes when I was upset, anyway, so it stands to reason that if I managed not to react as angrily towards people, I still prob. would have been angry, and it would have just gotten pushed down inside till it exploded, or it would have been turned towards me. I needed help at toning down my anger, as well as learning how to manage it properly when I felt it. I wish I had gotten help when I was younger. Maybe if I had, I could have gone through my earlier years a lot less angry.

If you get a therapist, and your therapist does not treat your anger as a valid issue, you need to find a different therapist. Getting help is so far from silly. It's a very responsible thing to do. And it's an important thing to do. The people I know who have anger issues hurt because of their anger. I remember my anger hurt me, as well. Also, these angry people I know hurt their loved ones on a frequent basis. Not physically, but emotionally. I hurt a lot of my loved ones emotionally, as well. I have severely damaged relationships because of this. Relationships that meant a lot to me. I have hurt people that meant the world to me. Because of my anger, I have caused a lot of pain, I have dealt with a lot of pain, I have damagaed relationships, and I have damaged my view of myself. I have a lot of guilt because of my anger issues. I think you do, as well, because you called yourself a "monster". There is no shame in getting help and it could save you a lot of future pain, guilt, etc., and spare your loved ones from a lot of pain. It can also do wonders for protecting your relaitonships. I hope you get help before you cause yourself the problems I have caused myself. Trust me, if you go and you feel silly, you prob. won't regret feeling silly nearly as much as you'll regret it if you don't get help and this anger completely destroys an important relationship or hurts someone you love any more.

Good luck Laura. PM anytime.

[Miss Laura]

Thank you again Locust, i know what you mean and i understand that i am not who i think i am in the respect to being a monster etc. However i feel like i am in some weird and wonderful way

I know i hurt my folks and my sister when i act like an animal. I hurt them as i know i should not act like this but can not help it. My dad said i should go to the doc's years ago but i refused. I wish i hadn't.

So far i have managed to be cool and calm in certain situations. I have not had an outburst for a couple of months. The next one will be tough i think. As at the moment there are a few things itching at me. I keep a journal and i go to the gym to realise a few tensions. But i think someone will pee me off too much. I am lucky i have never hit out at my folks or my sister. I maintain this for me and my friend "the wall"

I think if i am normal i will grow out of this. But i think i get worse every time this happens. I am not stupid i know how to behave as my parents brought my brother, sister and i up the correct way. I see young kids acting like this and i am embarrassed and ashamed at the same time.

I was on the bus the other day and this young mum and her 3 years son and baby came onto the bus. The wee boy was whinning and being a right pain. But she turned to him and smacked him 4 times on his legs and thighs. I was mortified as i hate this kind of punishment. I myself was smacked as a child and young teen. My dad was the bearer of this punishment and man did it hurt. He knew this was the right thing to do. To this day it still hurts to think about it. He use to smack me with his hand. But his hand was big and very powerful. I think i rebel against my dad more than my mum. But i have the same relastionship with the both of them. A good at times relationship.

Anyways i have to go now but thanks to you all