[Rhombus]

I have some very strong bpd traits, and I often find myself spinning out of control on emotional roller coasters. Things have been very tense with my parents lately, and my dad called a mandatory family meeting. Nothing good has ever come out of these meetings and I uusally get so angry or I start crying when none of my other siblings do. I get so angry sometimes all I can feel is my face getting red and I don't even know what anyone's saying anymore.

Have you found anything helps you to cool off when you're heading towards that bad place in your head? I'm having a lot of anxiety about what will happen tomorrow, and any advice would be appreciated.

[Perna]

What makes you feel good? Do you have any favorite books, people, or rituals that would help you? I find if I think of something to do after whatever is going to be difficult for me is over, focusing further ahead than just the immediate problem helps me. Figure out something to work on tomorrow, a new project or something to do with a friend. Knowing life goes on after our immediate problems can help. If you have a clue what your dad is going to talk about and if it concerns you, think of ways to do things more in tune with what he talks about. If you are having trouble with grades, for example, go talk to a teacher about how to work on a problem you're having so you'll have that to report about at the meeting or so you can explain you're working on it with your X teacher and you've already taken steps to deal with whatever.

You say nothing good ever has come from the family meeting, think on that and how you can get something out of them, a role you can adopt to get you through. Maybe pretend you are an independent reporter (and take a notebook and take notes :-) or observer. Try not to get "involved" in what your father says right away but to process it over time. Ask questions instead of assuming you know what he means, ask for suggestions, etc. instead of picturing yourself or automatically putting up a wall and being "against" whatever he has to say.

[Sannah]

Hi Rhombus, something big coming up today? Do you understand why you get angry in those family meetings?

[Rhombus]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Rhombus, something big coming up today? Do you understand why you get angry in those family meetings?

I have a $10,000 loan to pay back to the first school I attended and I haven't even had an interview at the more than 30 places I applied to, and my dad doesn't understand my worries. I don't know how I'm going to even afford my next term of schooling, all the money's gone. I don't think my parents understand me at all, I feel like an alien around my own family. I feel angry because I can't relate to anyone it seems. Then I feel like my dad is yelling at me about things but he doesn't see things how I do. No one understands me

[Edahn]

Keep your eye on the big picture. If you start to get a little worried or a little angry, don't lose hope and throw it all away. Keep your behaviors in check. If you think or feel a certain way, that's fine. You don't have to change that. What you do need to do, however, is to monitor the things that you say and the way you relate to yourself. If you find yourself being critical or harsh with yourself or either people, just rewind and say "wait, I'm sorry, I don't want to go down there right now. This is what I'm really trying to say here..." Do your best to speak from your heart, saying what's really going on, and what you're worried about.

If your parents don't react the way you want them to, that's okay. That's their business. Try your best and reassess. They're going to be bringing a bunch of stuff to the table (metaphorically speaking) and will probably have a lot of defenses put up for whatever reasons. That means if you say "I'm afraid" they might react to all sorts of stuff that has nothing to do with how you feel. Keep that in mind when you see yourself reacting. It's not always personal and if they fail to react the way you want them to, there may be lots of insidious reasons for that. That's okay. Just recognize that and try to keep your eye on the goal.

Finally, I would suggest setting small goals rather than big ones. Maybe your goal is just to communicate how you feel and put it out on the table to give your parents something to mull over (rather than to procure a specific reaction from them).

[slmg]

I've been the center of a few family meetings myself. The best way for me to handle the situation is to not react. With bpd, the episodes of intense anger tend not to last very long. I do my best to know that this feeling will soon pass and ride it out.

In the meantime, it's good to avoid thoughts and past memories that tend to feed the anger (ex, "My dad is always yelling at me, I rember the time last Christmas when he... and the time he also....") This will just make it worse. Sometimes I excuse myself and go to my room, work out and talk about it when I'm in a better frame of mind.

[jbug]

Me and my dad are notorious for arguing about money issues and I find that if I step back and take a few deep breaths that it seems to help. Also if I leave the room for a bit and come back to the conversation that I seem to have a level head and the desecealation of me leaving the room has helped some.

Jan

[Rapunzel]

Breathing techniques are really good for calming down. So are relaxation, visualization, meditation. You will find a wealth of information on all of these if you search the internet.

[ECHOES]

I just want to add that, although you are asking for suggestions on what you can do at the time you are feeling anxious, doing relaxation / meditation regularly helps you feel better generally and you also learn techniques to use in the moment that work very quickly.

Are you also getting help through psychotherapy?

[Beth1957]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

Breathing techniques are really good for calming down. So are relaxation, visualization, meditation. You will find a wealth of information on all of these if you search the internet.

I'm with Rapunzel here; I find breathing techniques excellent for this. You need to practise quite a bit, and just keep bringing your disordered racing thoughts back to concentrating on your breathing. It works for me.
Obviously it doesn't solve the problems in your life as sucj, but if you can get your mind off that hamster wheel it gives you space to deal with them without so much panic & bad feelings...
I hate family meetings too, & I'm the mother in this famoly lol. The words "We need to have a serious discussion" uttered by my husband always used to immediately put me on the defensive and into panic mode - and you can't really play a constructive role in a meeting in that frame of mind. So I do the breathing thing, and it helps a lot.
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/breathing.php