[cafegrrrl]

This is going to be long....So much stuff is going on...and not...

I was discharged from my partial hospitalization group thing a week or 2 ago. The week i was discharged, I asked the shrink what disorders he thought i exhibited characteristics of. The week before, I had asked the shrink what he thought my dx was. Before this, I thought my DX was just severe depression with the possibility of bipolar...the bipolar possibility had been mentioned several times by my family doc.

So, the shrink said he thought my dx is major depressive disorder and personality disorder NOS. And, he said he and/or the group people believed I exhibit characteristics of borderline, passive aggressive (no longer recognized as a disorder or something), OCD, and schizoid.

I have a BA in Psych but since I worked with kids, I had forgotten a lot of the info about some of the disorders..mainly the schizoid. So i went home and researched schizoid. It fits me to a "T". The shrink said schizoid was discussed during team meeting and they thought it was fitting as well but not totally sure since it's a disorder that affects mostly men.

But, I just discovered the self in exile site that was mentioned in an earlier post. I forget who posted it and etc..but oh my! What an informative site!

Now, I don't know what to do. The site helped me make so much sense of my life!!! The things that made sense to me but no one else...that makes sense to me now...I don't know how to better word it. And the things i've done in my past, my reasoning behind those things, my thoughts and feelings of those things before, during and after those things.

I tried explaining to my counselor shortly before i was referred to that partial hosp thing about how everything seems so didactic to me or for me. I don't know if that makes much sense.

But, now that i've read all this information, i'm still processing it. And after it sinks in or i fully realize what i've read, then what?!?!?

As much as I hate it, I LIKE being this way. It's me, who i am. Why do i need to change? So others can relate to me? or so i can relate to them? or both? and WHY? I still don't get it...I've been told repeatedly by the counselors at the group thing and my one on one counselor who referred me to the group thing, that it's because i'm human, humans are social animals, people need to socialize with others and etc. And, logically, I KNOW that. It just doesn't seem to apply to me, that much. Or not in a socially acceptable manner.

I just don't get it. But, simultaneously, I do get it. Everything seems so didactic at times. But getting it and being or doing it are 2 different things. And I don't even like the thought of it...

I'm seeing my counselor for the first time in about 6 weeks tomorrow. I know this is stuff to talk to her about...but i don't know if i can wait that long. And, even when the time does come, I probably won't be able to make myself bring it up to her...

I think i'm finally going off the deep end...I don't like this and don't know what to do...

Sorry this is a novella....i'm just so confused and can't quit thinking now...

[Michah]

Hi There, wow you got alot going on. The one thing I can say for sure is that if you like who you are then why challenge that? Schizoid or not. Who says you have to socialise. I hate socialising. I have a very select couple of good friends and thats it. At the moment I am too anti-social to work but I know that will change eventually as I have always worked well in a team and have held management positions but that is a learn't skill. I t doesn't come to me naturally. Mental illness only exists if you feel ill and you are having trouble functioning. If you feel that you need help to overcome it, then get help but otherwise you sound like you have a good grasp on who you are. I hate the notion that as part of my humanity, I must behave like other humans. Give me animals any day!

[cafegrrrl]

That's just it... It is screwing up my functioning. And it just seems like things are going from bad to worse.

I've lost my job, my unemployment period is almost over, i've been turned down for a lot of simple jobs because of my education and my poor credit. Oh yeah, and because i can't pass a drug test either. Funny how I was never tested working with kids. I didn't smoke then though either. But now i've gotten tested to be a cashier..and I don't have a criminal record or anything.

I can't go back to work in my field. I just can't go on pretending to be interested or pretending i care about my clients anymore. It's too exhausting and it's just fake.

I don't know what i'm doing, what i'm going to do, what i should do, and etc....And some of the things i know i should or need to do, i don't want to do. I don't see the need to do what i think i should or need to do, according to social mores. Or whatever...that probably didn't even make sense...

[Sannah]

Grrrl, is your distress now from thinking that you have to change?

[cafegrrrl]

I honestly don't know. Possibly that's some of it...I think part of it too, is that I "confessed" about some things that happened when i was a kid...things i never told anyone, but i did this one day in group. Not much was really said about it because the group was almost over when i brought it up and i really think alot of people weren't expecting to hear what i said.
And, then, when i returned to the group thing the following day, I found out that day was my last day. I was being "successfully discharged". I thiknk it may be a combination of all that maybe....

[RiverX]

That thng about things being didactic, I thought about this, I think… could you be talking about this one aspect of the exile disorder, if feels like theres this implied constraint in the world, that one feels dictated to by the ‘powers that be’.
I think this is how it works,
1. With an internal weakened sense of real self, its hard to counteract these implied forces, and rules and sustain an experience of independent spontaneity of ones real self, so its like we have to fight the 'super powers' to maintain freedom?

2. It really is like that TO SOME EXTENT, there is a reality too, as in people do have a tendency to follow assumptions and rules and stick together in clumps when they could be doing more thinking for themselves.
My recovery has to be towards learning to grow and think in my own truth but without exiling myself, and ‘stay relational’, at least, where possible.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by cafegrrrl

I "confessed" about some things that happened when i was a kid... when i returned to the group thing the following day, I found out that day was my last day. I was being "successfully discharged".

Is there someone who you can ask about this possibility and talk about it?

[cafegrrrl]

No. I'm probably not going to talk about it again. It was in the past, it's over, won't happen again, so whatever. I'm probably not going to ever mention it again, but if i change my mind, the only person I can talk to about it is my counselor.