[kjetterman]

So there was a nosy parent at school today when I went to pick up my preschooler. We live about 2 seconds from the school (literally) and would walk there everyday if it were not for the snow and cold weather. Anyway, today, I was in a rush and put my son in a seat in the van without a car seat and buckled him in.

A nosy mom was parked next to us and said in a snotty/*****y/patronizing tone "Uh ma'am. He is too young to be without a car seat." I explained that we lived like 2 seconds from the school. And then I told her to mind her business. I think I may have dropped an F bomb or two when telling her this.

The thing is... now my heart is pumping, my adrenaline going and I feel all anxious and really angry.

I should have just ignored her. Truth be told, I gave her the upperhand by feeling as though I had to supply her with an answer.

I get like this when I feel that someone is "trying to tell me what to do" or "reprimanding me". I get so flustered and either feel immediate guilt and try to explain so that they agree with me or I get angry and overemotional to the point where I just want to shout and swear. Now i'm on the verge of tears. It's getting to be huge in my mind even though I *know* that it shouldn't be.

I wish I knew how to control this.

Any advice or insight is seriously appreciative here. Help.

[Michah]

Hi, I wonder if she made you feel guilty and that is the source of your extreme discomfort? I wonder if you already feel like you are not "good enough" as a parent or not paying enough attention?

Gosh babe, stop being so hard on yourself!!!!! I was a single mother and i felt like I was a terrible mother all the time.........the stigma of being a single mother AND mentally ill was a terrible burden........

No one can tell you what to do.........maybe you should have put your child in the seat or maybe you shouldn't have......the choice is yours....

Tell people to mind their own business(calmly) and offer to hand your life over to the busybody and see how they go........they may have a little more compassion for your situation when in it!

Give yourself and your child a kiss and a hug and remind yourself that you are a good parent and that you love your children.........believe me honey, there are worse parents out there!!

Please be kind to yourself.............

[Rapunzel]

I think Michah may be onto something with suggesting you might have been motivated by guilt. It is so easy to get in a hurry and just want to get there and not do everything you know you should do, like setting up the carseat. Most parents have probably cut corners like that somewhere, sometime. We hear statistics like that most accidents happen close to home, where you are comfortable enough to be going on automatic and cutting corners because you do the same routine so often. If there had been an accident, even though it was a short trip, you know that your son would not have been protected, and that would be very hard to live with.

When someone calls you on something that you know that you could have done better, that really stings. Especially when it threatens your competence as a parent, or anything that is really important to you. You are also right that going off on the person who confronts you gives them the power because it is one more thing showing that you aren't in control or making the best choices.

What you can do is understand what you are feeling and why, evaluate the situation, take a minute before responding, and ask yourself if the feedback is valid or undeserved, and what is probably motivating the other person to tell you what they told you. Then decide how you want to respond. What would be most likely to allow you to be most effective and to continue your day with more positive feelings.

If you do look back on something and decide that you could have handled it better, figure out what you could have done better, maybe rehearse it by yourself or with a friend, and plan to make changes accordingly. Give yourself credit for your efforts to understand yourself and work on it.

[Michah]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

I think Michah may be onto something with suggesting you might have been motivated by guilt. It is so easy to get in a hurry and just want to get there and not do everything you know you should do, like setting up the carseat. Most parents have probably cut corners like that somewhere, sometime. We hear statistics like that most accidents happen close to home, where you are comfortable enough to be going on automatic and cutting corners because you do the same routine so often. If there had been an accident, even though it was a short trip, you know that your son would not have been protected, and that would be very hard to live with.

When someone calls you on something that you know that you could have done better, that really stings. Especially when it threatens your competence as a parent, or anything that is really important to you. You are also right that going off on the person who confronts you gives them the power because it is one more thing showing that you aren't in control or making the best choices.

What you can do is understand what you are feeling and why, evaluate the situation, take a minute before responding, and ask yourself if the feedback is valid or undeserved, and what is probably motivating the other person to tell you what they told you. Then decide how you want to respond. What would be most likely to allow you to be most effective and to continue your day with more positive feelings.

If you do look back on something and decide that you could have handled it better, figure out what you could have done better, maybe rehearse it by yourself or with a friend, and plan to make changes accordingly. Give yourself credit for your efforts to understand yourself and work on it.

Rapunzel, you are such a champion!!!!

[Beth1957]

Originally Posted by Michah

Rapunzel, you are such a champion!!!!

Yes, Micah's right, you are, Rapunzel

And so are you, Micah!