[chalmette70043]

Yesterday, for the first time in almost 4 years i cried. Today, its been off an on. The nightmares and flashbacks. The present. Its all getting to me bad. I'm hating life. The storm ruined it. I'm so much worse than before it. My friends and family are all so far away and i feel like they are avoiding me and letting me go. I know they are. Its not the tight knit life i had before. There is so little being done to clean up the destruction. I'm sick of seeing it. Every day it reminds me of what happened. But i've been numb, still in shock. It just gets worse as each day passes. The sights, sounds, life and love. I spend every day not knowing or caring where i go. I'm stuck. Made my choice. Its set in stone till we flood 12 feet again. The torture of it is so surreal. I don't think I'll ever get better. I'm bleak, negative and a pessimistic. It's bad and sad. It hurts.


the chalmette i know is gone

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((CHALM))). I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry that you are struggling to this degree at this time. I hope that you will call your therapist to help you at this time, and until you are feeling better. PTSD and getting triggered are very hard things to treat and deal with alone, and you dont have to handle everything alone, you should let your therapist help you. It is very normal to feel that your life is over when you have PTSD Chalm, and go through something as serious as what you went through, (I have been there as well), but it is up to you Chalm as to how you will go forth in life from here and how you will deal and cope in the future. It can get better with the right help (((Chalm))), and the help of your therapist to guide you at this time in what you need to do to feel better. Please reach out for the help that you deserve and need so you can feel better soon (((Chalm))). PM anytime. Soidhonia

[Pikku Myy]

Hi there friend Let the tears come out... it kind of sounds like your mind is trying to heal itself Wierd things happen... Hugs

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((Chal))))))))))))))))
I was just looking at the google street level maps of the area - they are very obviously post katrina. i looked through all the areas my americorps team worked in. it still looks... well, just as you described. i don't know when googe took the pictures. No one will ever be the same - but I do trust that *in time* you will find some of you again. it doesn't feel like it now - and won't for a while.
I think about you all the time (and my other friends from the area). I will hold the idea of healing for you - so you don't have to - just know that someone is, and when you're ready, it will be there.
(((((((((chal)))))))))))

[Sannah]

[AAAAA]

(((chalm))) once again I'm at a loss for words. I cannot even imagine everything that you've been through let alone how to help you pick up the pieces. My darling woman this comes from a place of love, you know it does, get some help for the depression!

I did not know the old chalmette. But the new one has fortitude I cannot even imagine, stamina that boggles the mind, and a heart bigger than the universe itself. You have taught us all so much we owe you a great deal of gratitude.

You said you've made your choice, and I fully understand why you did it, but our choices are not set in stone! If this choice isn't making you happy make another. You stayed because this was your family home, you didn't want the storm and all of the chaos that followed to defeat you. You have already shown you can do anything you set you mind to. I have total and utter faith in you... I cannot say that about many people.

[Pikku Myy]

Hope today has been a bit happier?

[chalmette70043]

thank ya'll so much for all the kind words of wisdom and care. I'm just badly depressed. I miss my friends so much and wish i could just hug them again, hang out and be together.

I dont understand why i've been left on earth to go through this.

[Typo]

((((((((((((Chalmette)))))))))

I wish I knew what to say, but it's one of those things where you have the words, you just don't know how to say them

I wish I could give you a giant hug, things will be okay, sitting with you during this rough time. Pm me if you need anything

Sending gentle hugs and love
Sparrow

[Pikku Myy]

We are all here for a purpose

I dont understand why i've been left on earth to go through this.[/quote]

[Hugs needed]

(((Chalmette))) You will get through this. Remember, We are all here for you. And like Soidhonia mentioned, Call your T. T are always there to help us. When I go through this my T wants me to call at any time day or night. You should never go through this alone and without help.

Try to keep smiling and say positive things to yourself.

[phoenix7]

((((((Chalmette))))))

you are so strong - you have been through so much - gie yourself credit for that - you are brave and you have doen a huge thing staying and rebuilding - you are tired and run down and need to take care of you now ok - please take some time and rest and do something nice for you joining the others and sitting with you till you feel better

[chalmette70043]

I dont know what triggered this off. It's still on me. I've been so depressed and my mind is out there, been for over a week. I called one of my friends and she comforted me telling me shes here in spirit i can always call. She lives 6 hours away now. I can't just pick up and go see them. She told me one of our other friends is avoiding everyone. He's flipping. She said he won't answer the phone or his emails, nothing. His wife whos been taking antidepressants since the storm is trying to get him to take them, but he keeps refusing. Last time i spoke to him he told me he hasnt picked up his guitar in over 6months. I know something is wrong there. I care so much for them, they keep telling me they care. But i don't see it that way.

I had a dream last night I didnt evacuate with my family. That instead i evcauted and went to the state park where most of my friends went. Things werent' good. I was even sicker being worried about my brother, then my family cause the path had it going right at them now. Then i jumped back to where i really evacuated to and things i dont remember happened. I dont know for real if those things did happen. I asked my mom and she said yes to two of them. But i dont remember. She says she cant remember most of it, just alot of people at the hotel crying and trying to make it as normal as possible for the kids around.

I'm having so much trouble sleeping. Back to a few hours of broken sleep. I saw my t last week and she tried to calm me down and talk about what happened with my friends and with what happened in my head about them. She tried to help me figure out what triggered it, but i couldnt trace it back to a particular thing or moment or anything. I have problems talking to her face to face about this stuff, but i know thats what she is there for. I think in my head i'll be ridiculed for it. Everyone at the family services and NOMH i go to arent from here. They came here after 2006. I know they came to help. Why do i feel like its out of sympathy? I dont want that. I just want it all to be normal. Like nothing happened.

I hate that the only thing it seems i write about here is this. But it takes up my entire life. I try to escape in my head and sometimes it works. But i cant walk outside like everyone elsewhere and see another house with neighbors across the street. I see a slab and a torn down fence and another slab behind it, then a house thats never even been gutted. I try to look past it. I look up at the pine trees lingering above it all then the wind blows and im back to reality.

I made a choice i have to stick with it. I wont give it up. I can't. I just want things to be better.

Thank ya'll for your hugs and talking to me. It does make me feel better. I just don't respond enough cause it gets me going again. Right now im going to do laundry and try to find something to keep my mind elsewhere. But i have to go out front and get the mail.