[CedarS]

I am 9 months free of a very bad for me habit. For several years I compulsively played online fantasy roleplay games. I'd never personally been addicted to anything before, but online gaming grabbed me hard.

I played in a gaming chat room, for awhile was an operator also, and a storyteller. I got so caught up in the online drama that can happen in a chat room. Lots of unhealthy dynamics in this case. And the gaming was also unhealthy for me, we all played vampires and other horror type scenarios, definitely triggered me often.

Yet I was hooked, playing allowed me to space out, to revisit what was familiar to me, which was trauma, all of it was the perfectly -wrong- drug for me.

Once I began to figure out what was going on, I read up on habit change, on compulsions, on what other folks also experience online. I finally had to go cold turkey. Wasn't easy, and there are still times when I want to just shut down my mind and play.

I'm working on being compassionate with myself about all this, cause it still is a bit embarassing and puzzling. Fortunately was able to work with a good therapist specifically about what I was doing with online gaming and all the other stuff that is me. I was traumatizing myself over and over again and had to stop.

So, it's 9 months free. I'm developing other pursuits. Still learning about what all I went through, what I was doing online.

Yeah, it is embarassing..."You were addicted to WHAT?".......but it's human, and I'm not the only one going through this. I'm proud of myself for ceasing the self-triggering, for stopping the activity that traumatized me.

Sarah

[SweetCrusader]

Wow! Your posts shows a LOT of insight and personal responsibility. I'm very impressed with you!

i had a son who was addicted to "Dungeons and Dragons"...don't feel bad....i'm sure that if computers had been as available as they are now, he would have been playing something on the computer.......

[CedarS]

Thanks everyone. Habit change is such an interesting animal, I still have lots to learn. I'm working on the relapse prevention part now of this particular habit, recognizing my success an important aspect of this.

[(JD)]

Much - more- success wished your way!

Yeah, my sons were the "perfect" age when D&D came out..and I made them stop playing... even though they argued.. I agreed to play with them to show them... and I was selected as the good guy (white whatever???) and each of my room activities and such... well it just ruined the game because it is a dark spirit game and I have The Spirit. Even my sons came to realize the sources... and quit the game.

Sarah, imo, many of the forums here are full of members reenacting their traumas. I hope you will continue to post so we can be supportive, and your sharing will help others too!

[krzyk101]

Sarah-

Congratulations of your 9 month Success of a choice of a Positve Life Change. I know making a positive change is a lot of work and effort and am really happy for you and your much deserved success, keep up the good work, you deserve the best for you.

Welcome SarahL!

I'm willing to bet that your information on how you are currently working on keeping these habits changed will be most helpful to many here.

Please do share as you are comfortable. What an incredible journey and what insight you've shown thus far!

[CedarS]

Relapse prevention turns out to be very, very important in habit change. In the first flush of success, all seems to be good forever, but as time passes, can be easy to romanticize the supposed good times and conveniently forget the bad of the behavior.

I've given my public library a strong work out, read lots on habit change and addiction. Even if something did not specifically mention my particular flavor of addiction, I used the ol' use what you can and leave the rest behind maxim.

One of many things I've done relapse prevention wise is to write up a 3x5 card of reminders. One side lists 5 major problems caused by compulsive gaming. Other side, 5 major benefits to abstaining from gaming online. This particular card I even lost temporarily, found it this morning, excellent reminder.

Another helpful thought is for me to remember that urges pass. In the middle of an urge to do something unwanted can be what seems to be an eternal push, a longing. But it really does pass. This too shall pass. And time really does help if I allow it to.

Sarah