[mandozilla53]

I have a dear lady friend who recently (July 19) witnessed a dear freind have a bad accident and die of head trauma. Her and her 2 friends were getting ready to go horseback riding when something spooked my lady friends' horse which in turn spooked her friends' horse. her friend took a fall and suffered severe head trauma.
My lady friend recieved slighter injuries to her arm but was ok. Her friend died in the emergency room a short time later. Here's the rub. My lady friend was 53 years old at the time, and an acomplished horsewoman. Her friend that died was only 25 years old and was an accomplished horsewoman herself. We've discussed this numerous times and she told me that I'm the ONLY person she's spoken to about it.
She feels guilty and responsible for her friends' death. She says she could have handled her horse differently and the outcome would have been different...her young friend would not have died. She's haunted by the notion that she should have been the one who died that day and not her young friend. That her young friend had her whole life ahead of her but she has lived a rich and full life..."It should have been me"..."I could have prevented it".She told me she has hardly slept since the axccident and is exhausted. She's thought about giving up the whole horse thing and every time she goes to the stables, 3 or so times per week, she dreads being there but is forcing herself to ride.
I'm afraid for her health. She does seem exhausted. She hasn't sought help for this problem and doesn't seem to want to. I've tried to be very sympathetic to her plight and listen intently, hold her when she breaks down and just do whatever I know how (which isn't much) to help her. I just don't have any idea of what to say other than, "it's not your fault", "There's nothing you could have done", "If meredith loved you half as much as you loved her she wouldn't hold it against you", and other lame things like that. I love this lady dearly. I can't bear the thought that she is suffering like this and want desperately to help with this problem...can someone PLEASE help me?

[Yoda]

That is so difficult. I think it is typical of the survivor(s) of traumatic death to wonder why wasn't it me that died.

No matter what the skill level of equestrians, horses are 1000+ pound animals with minds of their own and even a calm horse can freak out when they perceive danger. That is just their nature because they are prey animals.

Your friend keeps replaying "what if" & "I should have" which is very common after witnessing such a horror.

It doesn't sound like the right time for your friend to understand but anytime people choose a risky endeavor like rock climbing or skiing or parachuting or even riding a horse you accept that it may not end well. That is why I no longer ride but take my horse for hikes on his lead rope.

It is going to take her quite a bit of time to recover and even then her life will be changed forever. It has taken me ten years and much therapy to find peace with my own PTSD. I now accept what happened but will never really understand why it happened.

Gently encourage her to seek therapy but if she won't all you can do is listen and encourage her.