[VickiesPath]

I'm not sure I posted about this at all. But I would like to tell you guys about what happened to me some time ago at the Intense Outpatient Program I was attending. If I did post about it, I apologize, everythings been so screwed up in my life lately, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Back in October, I remember posting about realizing that I actually was bipolar as a child, which made most of my out of control behavior make sense. It also triggered memories of my mom beating me in an effort to discipline me and make me "behave". That was her way. She used excessive physical .....er, beatings to try to make me change my behavior. I was only doing the only thing I knew how to do. I didn't know how to be anyone else. I have vivid memories of those beatings and they occurred when my brothers and sister weren't around. They did a lot of emotional damage that lasted a lifetime and I grew up believing that I deserved what I got because I was a "bad child."

Where I'm at with it now is not so much the need to forgive (I've done that) or the need to process much of what happened, but the need to simply put it back into my memory in a place for safekeeping, but begin the process of re-defining who I was all my life. I wasn't a bad child. I was a bipolar child. The self-definition that was formed because of that trauma was bogus. I need to reform it. I've been suffering some startle response and anxiety from this and pdoc gave me some diazapam to have on hand.

OK. Now that I've set the scene, one day I had to meet with the pdoc at the Outpatient Program. Each participant meets with him once a week to check progress and verify that the program was still meeting the patient's needs. I get my medications elsewhere and I had to let him know about the med changes my pdoc made. I said we made some changes to my PTSD meds and he interrupted me and said, "What PTSD?" I said the PTSD from my mother beating me.

He started laughing. He started slapping the papers on his desk and laughing so hard saying every kid in his neighborhood got hit by their parent. I stared at him and went numb.

I asked him if his mother beat him. He didn't answer.

He kept laughing, talking about how the school teachers used to paddle the kids.

I asked him if he was ever on the floor with his arm up, trying to shielf himself from his mother's wooden spoon. He kept laughing.

After he was done, I said, well later, being alcoholics, they did neglect us and also do some emotional damage, too.

His face got sober and he said, "Well, yes, alcoholic parents do a lot of damage."

I stood up and left his office. I kept walking, left the building and never went back.

That night, I faxed the director a letter of resignation from that program. I don't need a jerkoid like that in my life.

I'm still struggling some but I'm not going to let this beat me down.

[MINIME]

Man i want to put sugar in his gas tank. What a jerk. ((HUGS))

[crystalrose]

Vickie yeah i remember you did post somewhere about it. Its not very nice at all. What an (insert f word and a hole word)
You should definatly report him. He obviously doesn't know anything about trauma at all. Keep posting about this, it will help you to process the pain. It is such a violation of position of power and also a re traumatisation. Have you got another T to work through it with?

That man deserved to be reported. His behavior was despicable.

[VickiesPath]

I"m sorry to double post but I am still shaken up by that and when my husband asked me to go to England with him because his mother was dying, I just felt like he was asking so much of me I wasn't going to be able to handle it.

I love my husband and I wanted to support him but I felt like someone was reaching down my throat and grabbing my insides and trying to turn me inside out. I knew I really had no choice. So, I simply kept putting one foot in front of another each day and somehow made it through.

The trip was terribly stressful. In a quiet moment one day, I said, God, what am I gonna do? I looked down and in my purse was the diazapam. My script was written for up to 3 a day (5mg). I hardly ever took that many. The word "calm" came into my head. So, I made use of the meds. It helped. It was still hard dealing with everything.

I love my husband dearly but when he is stressed, he becomes the most unreasonable person and loves to share his pain.

Our accommodations in England were really bad and his family is difficult to deal with. So there was stressor after stressor. My anxiety and startle response got worse while there.

What made things worse was my husband had told his entire family that I was bipolar and I simply kept feeling like they were looking at me like some sort of freak. I HATE THAT! No one gives a crap about knowing what it really is, either. They can't stop talking about their second homes in Spain and Cypress long enough to care.

Sorry. I'm simply a nervous wreck right now. It all started with this idiot doctor laughing at my diagnosis. I guess I'm still angry about it. Thanks for listening.

[crystalrose]

hi its ok to post things twice, three or up to a thousand times or more if it helps you. Always a pleasure to listen Please know that you are an important part of the community here and you always share your thoughts and insignts so well. You deserve support not that idiot doctor, i'm sorry it happened to you and you have every right to be mad i felt mad when i read your post,

[Typo]

((((((((((((((((((((Vickie)))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so so very sorry that dr treated you like that! You didn't deserve that and I wish I could give you a giant hug.

Post as much as you like hun, we are all here listenting and helping as we can,

What you went through was real and painful, that doctor had no right to laugh at you and invalidate those feelings, Byzatine is right he should be reported for his behavior, I've had a similar experince when looking for a T, one T told me to just "get over" my problems (right after I tried to explain my problems with dissocation and that I had, had trauma in my early childhood), I cut the session short and stormed out the door crying. I know how it feels to be invalidated by someone that is suppose to help, but don't let this creep get to you.

Sending many hugs and peaceful thoughts to you hun
Typo

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix

I don't need a jerkoid like that in my life.

The supply of them never seems to run out, does it?

Originally Posted by MINIME

Man i want to put sugar in his gas tank. What a jerk. ((HUGS))

LOL... LOl.LOLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

Vickie ,

its times like that you wish you had a tape recorder. I have some stories . a patient rep a few months ago said in an off the cuff remark

"If a patient doen't take thier anti psychotic meds theres nothing we can do for them ."

I've never been on them . Wasn't even relevent to the conversation. it was an insult . When I confronted her about it she said she never said it.


I carry a tape recorder when I get focused enough to do it. My therapist I trust and have no need she treats me with absolute repsect.

Sometimes you have to wonder if they say things like that to get you to beable to learn how to respond back to jerkoid remarks with style.

Instead of go numb .

You did good and left him . I hope they don't ban you for confronting.



Patricia

[AuburnSunshine]

Vickie ~

I'm so sorry you had to experience what you did with that doctor. For those of us here, life is never fair; rather it seems to be a daily struggle. To be so affronted by someone in his position is like a slap in the face. I don't know the man but sugar in his gas tank seems too nice!

On a more positive note, however, you did learn one thing: that program certainly wasn't working for you! Hopefully you can find a more productive and life-altering one.

Also, you say how upset and shaken you were and still are by the incident. If you'll excuse me, I'd like to say...Well, damn it, girl...look at yourself. YOU walked out on him...you're here making friends and struggling to get better...you're NOT going to let this beat you down!

WooHoo...read my signature quote. Look every jerkoid devil in the eye and say "F-Off," dude. You've been hit with several of his "best shots" and you're still standing!

It's taken me such a long, long time but I now proudly wear a "B" on my forehead. So many times I've had to stand up for myself, not allowed myself to be physically and emotionally abused...only to be called a b-i-t-c-h. Well, now it's a title I proudly wear!

~ Melanie

[googley]

((((((Vickie)))))

That is awful!!!!! I hope you felt able to tell the director why you were quitting the program. (but if not that is okay also.) That individual deserves to loose his job. That is totally unacceptable! You have every right to be upset with his behavior. I hope you have been able to find supportive treaters since then. Don't worry about posting about something more than once. We are here and it takes time to heal from these things. If we could process these things and heal at one time then we would all be better. Instead we come back and get support when we need it. (And give it when we can.) Things can come up dissipate and come back up again. We are here for you every time you need it.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I wish ppl who laugh at us like that did not have any access whatsoever to mental health jobs!

I still can't get over it that these so-called professionals have so little sympathy for what mentally-challenged ppl go thru!

I have ptsd and was in treatment for 8 years until I got absolutely SICK of the way they treated me.

It is DESPICABLE.

Billi

[possum220]

That p'doc is a jerk and certainly needs reporting.

I hope you are back from England and life is settling down for you somehow. Bipolar is a very hard thing to deal with.

Maybe your husband needs to see some-one to talk to as well so that he gets some help in dealing with his own issues too.

[Pomegranate]

Vickie It sounds like this guy has some real problems of his own. He should fix himself before he tries fixing others. You should report him to every person or organization that is relevant. He can do serious harm to a vulnerable person. I've had that happen to me. I wish I had been well enough, strong enough, to take charge of the situation like you did. Give yourself a big pat on the back!

[Pomegranate]

Vickie F * * * him. He's a very sick, very dangerous person.

Also you should have a talk with your husband about when and with who it is okay to share information about YOU. He should be told he needs to clear things with you first.