Avoiding people

For the last 2 weeks I have hardly spoken to anyone, I am going through this phase where I just wanted nothing to do with people. It all started after I was feeling down a few weeks ago, it just came out of nowhere. I think I realised the reason I was feeling a little down, but then on the Friday I had a really bad day- I woke up feeling crappy, a drink leaked through my entire bag and broke my phone so I lost everything (lucky it started working again now), I was followed down the street by a bunch of 13 year olds who thought it would be funny to hide behind trees and throw things at me (that is until I turned around and went after them), and then I found out one of my friends in America was being held hostage. So all in all, not the best day.

Well not a lot of people made a huge effort to care when I mentioned I was feeling down so I got even more angry, and it kind of went from there.
I haven't answered my phone, seen anyone or been on Facebook for 2 weeks. Still very few people have made an effort to care.
Well my grandparents have been trying to call me, I have just been ignoring it. I got a message from my cousin saying she hadn't seen me in a while, I said I haven't felt like talking to anyone, so she said 'well how are people supposed to contact you if you have everything turned of... blah blah blah'. No 'are you okay' 'do you need anyone to come over', etc.
About 10 minutes ago my grandparents just showed up to my door, I hid so they wouldn't know I was home, and I feel really bad. But I TRULY do not feel like talking to people. There are a select few I will talk to- I've talked to about 3 people over the last couple of weeks.

I don't know why I feel like this, I'm not miserable and avoiding the world, I just think past resentments have caught up with me and I'm at the end of my tether with people, friends and family who never see me or never care when they should. I just want a break from people, I want to clean my house, get a job, find better friends, and move on. I felt terrible hiding while my grandparents knocked on my door, they know I have had my phone off, unless my cousin who is living with them has intentionally not told them after our conversation.

I must sound so nasty, but I just don't care anymore, you know? I'm rather enjoying my seclusion at the moment, I feel more independent, I almost feel like I've run away and am starting all over again. I have my own life now where I don't have to let others make me feel miserable, I don't have to try and make others happy because I feel the need to. I just feel like a cow for doing so...

I've been cocooning the last few weeks too. At the moment it's just difficult for me to deal with people. In fact, I'm investigating the possibility that I'm developing agoraphobia. Although I did go to the Easter church service and did pretty well.

Please don't feel judged. I'm not trying to judge you. I'm trying to sort out what you're saying. You don't want to contact people, you don't want to have to volunteer the information that you feel bad, but you want them to ask. You want them to reach out to you, but you've cut off their means to do so. Maybe you figure that those who really do care will make an extra effort to break through your barriers. I've felt this way before. We're not rational when we're overstressed. And certainly if I've misunderstood, set me straight.

I have my own plate kind of full to overflowing at the moment, so it's an effort for me to reach out to someone else. If I haven't been helpful, please forgive me.

No it's okay. I'm finding it hard to explain the situation (because I've never been like this before), so I can understand why it might not fully make sense. I don't want to talk to most people now, but at the time time a few weeks ago when I DID want help, nobody was willing to give it. So I figured fine, I won't make any effort back. There are some friends who I haven't spoken to in months because they never seem to want to see me, so I am not going to make any effort to chase them up anymore like I have in the past. I'd stress myself out wondering why I came up second best in some friends lives, whether or not they even like me because they never show it, I'm not going to keep stressing about it anymore. Some people, if they call me or send me a message I will reply to, but really I just want nothing to do with anyone. I have had 3 friends notice I was down and ask if I was fine or try to see me, I'm more than happy to.

While I was angry a few weeks ago (and for about the first 3 days I was actually ANGRY), I decided that I was just going to forget people and move on with taking care of myself, and if anyone actually wanted to see me they would contact me, otherwise, forget them. I have friends who will make plans with me, tell me they'll call me or whatever at a certain time, then leave me waiting all day only to tell me they have other plans now. Then I don't hear from them again for months. I come up second best, they make other plans knowing full well I'm sitting at home waiting for them all day thinking we are going somewhere.
Then there are all the times I've gone out of my way for people who have needed help and they don't make any effort to care in return.
Do I deserve all that? Should I wait around for people like that? No. I am starting to see now a lot of the people around me. I can name 3 people out of all my friends who I don't doubt. The rest, well I just don't know.

Does that make a bit more sense? haha I'm hopeless at explaining myself sometimes. I'm not so sure myself really, it's just something that came over me, I feel kind of evil!

The lack of understanding could very well be on my end. My comprehension level is pretty low right now. But I can see there's a cycle in process. You need help, you reach out, you get no help, you close yourself off. I can't say I blame you for that.

It sounds like some of these friends of yours have been pretty careless. Nobody deserves to be kept waiting and then stood up and then ignored for months.

Don't come up second best for *yourself.* Take care of you first. If you do have three good friends, do reach out to them and see if they can do anything for you. When you need help, make yourself first priority and don't stop asking for what you need until you GET it from someone. If the first person fails you, go on to someone else and keep asking.

And good night to all. It's 10:30 PM here, and I'm going to try to get some rest.

Evening-if you want to you can even tell everyone here what i did...but he has to stop preying on people-he must be truly stopped, and i know i can do it.

You---"evil"??? you can see by my private message-i am a two face- horrible evil -i am the worst of the worst- and you can tell everyone here about it--
if you so choose. You feel the way you do because of people like me-i am a terrible person. What i did was so dubplicitis and awful-i will not forgive me. You take care of you!!! --these people are kind- they would not ever do such a thing-----I send you what love there is in this black heart of mine--i'm 55-how could i dupe you-you of all people no matter the reason for my doing it is "noble"-it is no excuse.
It might be cathartic for you to expose me here--i will understand- even feel better if it helps you to feel better to tell all here and i can't come here anymore. I am sooo ashamed, and so humbled...i have to write it here even, on a public message to you as well as a private message.

i will stop him ever doing that again...just know no one else will have to suffer at his egomaniacal manipulations again---i am very close to him---he is too stupid to know
how much more i can hurt him than any other on the forum--YOU take care of YOU!!!

I really don't know what you're talking about, what is it you did that makes you think I'd hate you?

Read your messages- in the notification box

I read your first PM and replied, I still don't completely understand what's happened. Or have you sent me another PM, because I don't see anything.

I lied to you. I knew what he was doing-he was chatting with me whilst he did it If it's any consolation to you, i was crying my eyes out when he did it...but i couldn't blow my cover. I was duplicitis and awful to lie to you-i hate myself for it-but he must be stopped. I will have him banned forever--

He thinks me his best buddy--but he is a cruel man- they won't get him the way they are going about it.
"Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer"
You are worthy of love and attention-that's why i sent you here--they won't hurt you here-it really is safe--moderators are reading all--forgive me--you are a beautiful spirit with so much talent---I am so humbled and angry at myself ---Remember that you are a wondrous bright flame...
you will go far in life---you are worth more than gold-theo

So he had been plotting the whole time to call me an abuser so I'd get triggered and leave? Well that's nice isn't it. Like I've said before nobody ever wants me around anyway, my mother didn't want me, my father didn't want me, my abuser didn't want me, my grandfather didn't want me, my auntie didn't want me, my friends didn't want me, I'm not shocked by any of this surprisingly, I'm just a whiny unwelcome 22 year old who probably did the right thing by deciding not to talk to people anymore because I've them all some good. Good riddance to bad rubbish hey.
I understand you think it's nicer here because the moderators are watching everything, except the first forum I had to leave was BECAUSE of a moderator. So I don't exactly feel at ease here, that's why I refuse to talk about my abuse on here, it will only happen again, someone will get angry at me again. I don't feel welcome here or anywhere else, if the fact I live all alone and never have visitors is anything to go by. I doubt I'll last any longer on this forum than I have on any other.

I want you-I think you are worth the moon and the stars and the sun<I care about you, and you are a tender, sweet, talented, intelligent human being----
People here will want you---I will leave---YOU Stay and get the help and support you so richly deserve!!!! You are young in years--you have so much joy yet to experience--------I am leaving--I hurt you and I am a monster. I should have protected you----I am out of here, and out of there----Get on with Your life-it's all for you-----------

No part of this situation is going to be changed by you leaving anywhere. I'm upset yes, I have been trying to get help and all I ever get is attacked and plotted against, other members intentionally triggering me by calling me an abuser so that I'd leave the forum. I'm embarrassed that I was telling you everything that had happened and you'd known all along. But you weren't the one that attacked me, and unless you are lying now, you weren't the one who called me a whinger or pitiful or an abuser.
You need to report him, you need to tell the site that he is running the forum, you need to tell them he won't allow people to talk, you need to tell them he makes so many posts that other people never get the help they need because his threads push everything to the next page. I always thought he was just making all those threads so that nobody could see what I'd written. And you need to tell them that he told you he was trying to get rid of me. 3 members have left that forum just in the last few days. I reported him, Aurora reported him, the guy who went off at him for what he said to me and then he made a thread about it in retaliation, I'm sure he reported him too. You HAVE to go on there and tell them what he's doing. The way he writes is very manipulative, he does it in a way so that he always looks like the calm level headed one when others get upset. You know what? I was abused for 18 years, and I know that THAT is a very common trait of abusers- to manipulate a situation with their demeanor so that they get away with things. So it's harder for me to report him. You on the other hand, he told you what he was doing.
He attacks anyone who doesn't agree with every word he says. Why did he make me leave? Because I was talking about my abuse, therefore playing a 'victim' and being a 'whiner', and because I disagreed with him when he said humans are the only animals that store their trauma, and I said I've worked with animals for years and have seen animals who are still traumatised by past abuse.
There are others who are going to keep coming on that forum because it's their last place for help, if he's there they will never get help. He's attacking people who have done nothing, he's making abusers out of the abused, he talks about stuff that makes NO sense, he won't allow people to talk. That's not safe. If he does what he did to me to someone else, that could be the end of them. I can handle it because I'm used to it, I keep my resentments but I move on, others won't be able to.
You leaving anywhere is not going to help anyone including yourself. You've made your apology. I accept your apology but you need to report him before he hurts anyone else.

((((theodora)))) I'm not trying to butt in to what's none of my business, but I must point out a general fact. When someone has done wrong toward someone else, guilt is a natural response. After making amends, apologizing, and setting things right, that guilt is no longer necessary. EVEN if the other person doesn't accept your apology, which Evening did.

Both of you, as far as I'm concerned, are welcome to come here and be supported.