I'm going insane

I feel like I'm going nuts, nobody seems to want me anywhere, I've never been welcome by anyone. I haven't felt so crap in 2 or 3 years, and I'm getting so sick of people for not caring about me that I just don't want to speak to most people I know. My mum came over to help me clean, then my grandparents showed up to give her a birthday present but I didn't come outside. When my grandparents asked where I was my mother said 'she doesn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment' (I had asked her to tell them if they asked, that I had been feeling miserable and didn't feel like talking to people right now), so they both just pulled a face. No 'is she okay' or anything.They should already know I didn't feel like talking, I haven't spoken to anyone in weeks and I have told my cousin who lives with them twice because she was questioning me as to why I wasn't speaking to them, I replied to an email telling her why, my grandmother then told my mother a few days ago that my cousin said I had never responded, but my cousin told me she hadn't even looked at her email. It doesn't add up.

I got upset, I ended up telling my mum she could leave if she wanted, so she did, and I flipped out. Lately when I get upset I've been having these spaz attacks I guess you could call them, and today I started hitting myself in the head with the first thing I could grab. When I was a teenager and was having breakdowns because of the things that were happening, I got into the habit of hitting my head (usually on a wall) or pulling my hair out (literally handfuls at a time). I don't pull my hair out anymore, but I still hit my head against walls occasionally when I get really upset.
I know why I feel this way, the lack of concern and the feeling of being unwanted has always been a trigger for me because I was neglected, and I was left in an unsafe situation of abuse by family members who barely did anything to stop it (they were so concerned that they wouldn't let their kids step foot in our house but they still left me there).

All I want to do right now is have nothing to do with most people, get a job, become completely independent (you'd think after 4 and a half years of living alone I'd be able to manage without people's help), and then reappear to people as a completely different person.

I'm driving myself bonkers with the people around me, I'm sick of the lot of them. I'm going to end up having another breakdown if I keep dealing with it all. There are so many people who I have helped that barely make a note of it if I am down, and people who say that they care and would help me, but then suddenly disappear.
I'm sick of feeling as though I'm not wanted anywhere, I'm sick of this stupid PTSD, I'm sick of not having a job because I'm a coward, I'm sick of having nightmares every single night, I'm sick of crying for 3 days if someone gets angry at me, I want to have a God damn life and a job and a relationship and friends that actually want something to do with me.

What am I even talking about, I'm just sitting here babbling on about how my life sucks and it probably doesn't even make sense.

thank you for sharing this.

I feel like you are identifying some stuff I've been feeling lately.

Thanks,

Billi

I have a needlepoint somewhere around here that says something to the effect that : "Your best friends are the ones you can be your best self with".

You get to chose who you want to be around, it's your life, Evening, I wish we could hang---I bet we'd have alot of giggles together, just watching people and walking down the street, when you have been as low as you can go in your own head-as we sufferers do--we can just plain get high on life--I know I can--there are so many people who've met me and see how very silly i can be, and they love it--they seek me out, call me up--they want what i've got, they want to be with me all the time--but i don't want them--they drain me. They give nothing in return.

I have 2 friends Hey! I'm wealthy!!! one of 41 years friendship duration-she lives on a mountain in Vermont--I don't get to see her much-but everytime I speak to her she lifts my spirits, and i hers. Another of 36 years duration--she is a truly fine person, who is alway positive and knows me well, as i do her--these are the ones in whose company I am my true self, my best self-----No you are not going insane---it's just that you are surrounded by negativity, people who do not take the time to know you,
or you true self---When your life is over (along time from now!) if you can count your true friends on one hand--you will have acquired true wealth. -theo

I have been insane. I was not impressed.

Love your answer Byzantine---yes, I too have been insane--I was not impressed either...just kept goin along lettin it go till it finished it's course...annoying little habbit---Now I'm Just CRAZY!!! Your one liners make me laugh outloud--
(((HUGS)))--theo