[eskielover]

Looking back at the experience last Saturday, I am feeling really stupid. I had gone to the wedding shower for my riding trainer. Afterwards, about 9:00pm, I decided to go to the store to find something I had been looking for. I couldn't find it & walked out of the store. As I was walking to my car, there was an older lady in the parking lot with a cart with several things she had bought. She approached me, asking me if I was possible going close to where she lived....not initially thinking, I said sure, no problem....nothing here in the Lancaster is ever really out of the way. She said the person that was going to drive her home had a migraine & there was no one else that was able to drive her home & she was stranded at the store.

We talked a little & she started telling me a little about herself, intending to let me know something about her & that she wasn't someone that was a bad person. She seemed like a really nice person & then came the comment that I must be a good judge of characters. Wooah...my good judge of character was what allowed the RN to enter into our lives last year to care for my Mother...and the trauma that followed...too trusting, not thinking things through...how stupid am I, how trusting, how nieve. All those thoughts came rushing into my brain....what could this little older lady do to me....wow, I thought of a million things in just a couple of minutes. I had already agreed to take her home. We went to my car & I started throwing all my horse stuff into the back seat & brushed off most of the white eskie fur, telling her all the time that it was really messy & wondered if she would mind (in the back of my mind, I was hoping that she wouldn't really want a ride home in my messy car. I made sure my purse was way in the back....far away from any reach. She didn't seem to mind much about the mess, just a little, but got in with her packages, then I got in & started my car. Fear ended up filling my mind & then i realized on top of that my cell phone was attached to my purse & also out of my reach....what if I needed it. What if she tried to do something....carjack my car....oh yes, she said she was a red head under the gray wig....why a wig? While driving, she started asking personal questions....remember not to tell anything personal....talk in generalities. All the way to where she lived, I kept my eyes on her & the road of course. I couldn't believe how many questions she was able to ask in such a short ride to her apartment. I sat there while she got out & walked into the complex to make sure she got there safely. After I pulled away, I sat there for a while, trying to remember to breathe & release all the fear that had invaded my mind. I felt really stupid realizing that I thought an older lady in her 60's could be a danger to me. Something so simple really made me realize how full of fear I am & how much I completely distrust people any more. I used to pick up people that needed help all the time without even thinking twice about it. I don't think that will be happening much in the future....I hated that complete uncomfortable feeling that the fear caused. I feel so relieved that nothing horrible happened.....feelings of fear that I never felt before given the same experience. I think I will be more careful in the future to try & avoid anything like this again. I am amazed at how much trust I have lost in humans & how much I need to avoid getting into situations like this in the future. Finding the need to protect myself.

It was like last week when I went down below to a Dr appointment & then to pick up some sample meds from my Pdoc. I went to my Mothers house to pick up the wigs she had & donate them to the cancer society. I went back to the house alone with three of my eskies. I entended on going through one room & packing things into give away, throw away, & take home. It got late & I really didn't want to drive home, but didn't want to stay there either. I decided that it wasn't safe for me to drive home since I have already fallen asleep before & never want to do that again. I had already locked my car when I went into the house, but had left the windows down. The neighborhood itself isn't very safe....drugs, break-ins, gangs, besides the trauma I went through inside the house. I took Leo out to the car with me to close it up & make sure it was all locked. Back in the house, I had it all closed up & there is no air conditioner....only ceiling fans. I continued cleaning until early in the morning when I just was too tired to continue. I sat down in a chair in the den & took one of my meds. My dogs would bark at something & I would jump out of my skin & through the roof. Tawny walked down the hall & started barking....I was so scared I couldn't move & made sure my cell phone was in my hand. I finally got up enough nerve to check out what she was barking at....looked down the hall at the mirror & realized that she was barking at the other white dog that was at the end of the hall in the mirror looking back at her. I felt so relieved & stupid at the same time, but settled down in the chair, sitting up the whole night, surrounded by my three dogs. I can't believe I was able to spend those hours actually sleeping (with the aid of my meds) in the house where everything happened around me. Maybe it was a step necessary to make me realize that I was able to make it through staying where everything had happened.....no ghosts, no bumps in the night....only my eskies protecting me against everything. I couldn't have done it without them, but it was actually quite an accomplishment without even having a nightmare.

I am so thankful for my eskies....they may not be a huge dog but their bark & their presence it very comforting to me.

I am amazed at how many things have caused fear to fill my mind over the last week but I have been able to live through it without too much damage. Maybe each thing is a step down the road to some recovery & I am glad to be through those feelings. There is nothing worse than fear & being so jumpy that every little thing sets me off, but I can actually breathe when it is all over & realize that I have lived through just another experience safely. My eskies make it much easier & I realize how much I depend on them for support too.

I hate feeling fear of things I never would have thought to fear in my past, but maybe I was way to trusting & have learned to be more careful now.

Debbie

[wanttoheal]

You are an amazingly strong woman. Read back over what you wrote. You accomplished so much. So much progress. ((((((((((((((((((((Debbie)))))))))))))))

[Hope4me2]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

thank God for our pets....

"Something so simple really made me realize how full of fear I am & how much I completely distrust people any more."

This is one thing I truly wish I could change about my PTSD...

You are doing so well! You go girl!

Petunia

[(JD)]

((((eskie))))) unfortunately so many of us identify with you...

[Gemstone]

(((((( eskie )))))))

My dog is very comforting for me too. I feel a lot safer having him around.