Abuser Admitted to Abuse in a Dream

I had a nightmare the other night. In the dream, I was moving out of this house and my father was here. He started a confrontation like usual when he comes over, but this was much worse. So I told him off. I told him every single thing I always wanted to say to him. Which ended with something I wrote to my husband the other day. "You can't abuse a child since they were a baby and expect them to turn out to be a healthy, productive, functioning member of society". I wrote this to my husband, while me and my son were locked in my room and my father was here screaming insanities about me. You know, because it's my fault I let the dog chew up things. I'm supposed to stay up all night and watch him? Recently, in real life, I have been saying a few things to him that I always wanted to say. Like the last time I told him "I like how eveything is my fault." He just shook his head and walked out the door.

Well, after I was done telling him everything I wanted to say to him in my dream, he started admitting to the sexual abuse. He said, "I came home from a party last night. I wanted to f^$! you so bad. I waited by your bedroom to make sure you were asleep. I really wanted to r*&# you...."
He said A LOT more than that, but I can't remember it all. But he said it in a funny voice. The way he said it, he was making a joke about. He was saying it lightly like he didn't think it was a bad thing what he did. I was really scared and began to cry.

I don't think I want him to admit to it. That would make it too real. When he denies it, I can keep denying it to myself or wondering if it really happened. Half of my mind is telling me no it couldn't have possibly happened, you just dreamed it all up. The other half tells me, look at the symptoms of a sexual abused child, you had them all, you've been battling with mental illnesses at least since you were 4 years old, you had problems with school since you can remember, you had to drop out and get a G.E.D., dispite your high intelligence. You've been revictimized since elementary school. You tried to go to college, but were disqualified, because you couldn't deal with the added stress. You only worked at a taxpaying job for a fews months in your whole life. You can't drive, because you're afraid to. You fear your father many other men who looks or sound or smell like your attackers. You feel extreme vengeful rage toward your father. 95% of you wants to hate him. But that 5%, your inner child, your inner INFANT, wants to still love him and hope that he'll change......How could you not believe something happened to you?

I'm not sure what this dream meant, but it makes me scared to tell my father everything I want to tell him.

You wrote this the day before you wrote the reply to "I still see him every day"; are you aware of that?
You already know. It's okay, are you in therapy now? Do you have contact with him now? Trust yourself, believe yourself, you and your feelings are valuable. You are worthy of being believed, loved, and getting the care you need--you can pm me if you like-----(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) theo

Theo, I don't even remember, but still, it's hard to take your own advice, right? I don't see my father everyday, usually just once a week. And no I shouldn't have to see him at all and neither does my son. I really don't want him in my son's life at all or in mine, but my son is more important to me. I don't want him having any negative effect on my son's life and it makes me cringe to see him interact with my son. So, I try to keep him away from my father as much as I can. If we weren't staying in his old house, we wouldn't have any contact with him at all. He has a key and walks in whenever he wants to. I'm not in therapy now. I wish I was so much. I really need medication too. I just don't have transportation. I'm looking into getting a case manager right now. And trying to get insurance.

Those are two good goals. You are on the road. I have faith that you will get out of there and empower yourself to get past this part of your life.
Do you have any other support systems in place? FRiends, any family members?

Is there a Domestic Abuse line you can call where you can call for support?
They offer support, and therapy too. ((((HUGS)))) theo

I have one friend that lives close enough to me to come visit me. He takes me to the store sometimes to get things I need and he doesn't ask for gas money. But he has other problems and I don't like asking him for too much. I don't really have any supportive family here. It my father, his parents (his mother abused me), and his adoptive sister and her family. They are very mean to me. They treat me like I'm an alien and they don't think that I should even have custody of my son. I will make a new thread later about them. I have tried twice already and I took so long it signed me out and it was all lost. I have no other friends. My husband has a brother here, but him and his family won't even talk to my husband, they won't talk to me anymore. I only have my mom and a cousin that I am close to, but they live states away. So I don't really have anyone here, but my one friend. I could call one of those hotlines. But I would know what to say. They're all very long stories.

I've lost the numbers, but they're in the phone book--they listen tolong stories, and they were very patient with me, giving me other resources , other numbers to call
all were helpful to get me on my feet. My ex never helped me at all with alimony, or payments on the house throughout the divorce--I had to do it all, so I am very familiar with social services, when you need em, you get em, and you are intelligent, you can go back to school--I did--and held a job down at night and got my daughter through college too--I amazed myself-I thought I was worthless and could do nothing by myself---I was stronger than i thought.

You too, you will amazze yourself! What you will do to survive- what you will do for your son!!!To put the past behind you while he is still young--unfortunately for me
my children were watching the whole thing for 12 and 13 years when i finally stopped it--now they blame me for it all. I was just so afraid they'd be poor as I was as a child, and I thought (stupid) that was the way fathers were (not having grown up with one).

Those Hotlines lead to some relly serious help--I'd try one, you are in a position to go underground--I was not..my spouse had my son. (((((HUGS))))chin UP! theo