Confused and scared

Sorry this is long.

I'm kind of freaking out. In 2 1/2 weeks I'm starting with a therapist who specializes in PTSD and until now I've never dealt with any of this. In the past, my therapy was for my anorexia (which I'm recovered from...took a long time, but I got through it) and I never talked about some of the deeper issues from the traumas. I kind of smoothed over them and didn't really give the whole story. I was too embarrassed/ashamed/in denial about it. Besides the anorexia, I've been working with pdocs to get my the right combo of meds for my bipolar II, and until a year ago I was in a deep depression or hypomanic most of the time. It was rare for my mood to be steady for more than a few days at a time. So when I was in that deep depression, I didn't really feel much, and when I was hypomanic my thoughts raced so that nothing really stuck with me for very long. Anyhow, we finally got the right combo of meds a little over a year ago, and since then the PTSD symptoms have slowly gotten worse as small bits of memories have surfaced, and they aren't drowned by the depression or blocked out by the ED anymore, so the feelings actually stick with me. The past week or two as I've tried to decide what I want to talk with the new therapist about, I've kind of had an avalanche of feelings and memories and I'm very frightened. I never learned how to cope with any of this since it's always been buried beneath the anorexia and the depression. I haven't done any SI in years, but it has become tempting, and I DO NOT want to go there again. Please, does anyone have any suggestions on what to do? I don't feel equipped to handle this. I'm also nervous about starting therapy, since I figure it will be different from the ED therapy. Is he going to want me to tell him every single thing that happened right away? And there are pieces of memories that are missing, is that common? Like I remember how an incident started, and then there is a blank spot, and then I remember what happened after the incident. Does that make sense? Thanks for any help!

It is common to forget all traumas--only to have them resurface as dreams, strange behaviors (avoidant, did, depression,bpd, agoraphobia, panic, anxiety,you name it--
all are coping mechanisms used by the subconcious and disorders unto theselves-thus the reason so many have been misdiagnosed for so many years, and still are--
most docs are not skilled in dealing with PTSD-especially CPtsd).

Most do not realize that research is still on the table for PTSD, and that it only became a DSM code in the 80's---thus it has gone unrecognized forever.

It is critical that you have a therapist who specializes in it-has had special training, and truly knows all the most recent data. Many say they do---but they do not.

I contacted the Sidran Institute for a doc who had what it took to diagnose me properly--finally post 9/11. Many years had passed. I find that docs still do not know much about it where i live now.

Yes, it's common to remembe just olefactory, small things that trigger--you don't know why--no one else knows why either--that's why you need, in the end to go
back and face it all.

There are still some places in my past i daren't go--i listen to my gut--a good doc listens too...go easy--be certain that your gut feels okay with what is going on, and that you truly trust the doc..I wish you a safe journey ((((grizmom)))) theo

Good luck, grizmom.

How are ya doin Grizmom?---i send you hugs-theo

I'm tired and frustrated but I'm hanging in there. Nightmares are more frequent lately. I've been using every coping skill I have ever learned (guided meditation/relaxation cd's, deep breathing, computer games for distraction, petting my cat, journaling). I have managed to NOT use SI. Thanks for the hugs and for reaching out! Hugs to you too...and some fuzzy cuddly ones from my cat