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Jul 13, 2005 at 09:55 PM
#1
As some of you may know, I have a blood disorder that requires I go for blood tests monthly.
I am not afraid of needles...but I have a problem. Because both my brothers died from IV use, one overdosed on heroin the other died from AIDS, I am triggered everytime that needle comes my way. I always hear, "oh it's okay" lots of people are afraid of needles, but that's not exactly what is bothering me. It's the death trigger. I rarely have the same person take my blood so it seems exhuasting to me to even try to explain and I'm not sure I even want to. It's just weird that out of all the disorders in the world I coulda got...mine has to deal with needles. Maybe there's a lesson somewhere in this...I don't know. That's it...thanks for listening. Petunia |
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Jul 14, 2005 at 07:15 PM
#2
Hi Petunia,
After reading your post I was going to write something .. but decided to read on and found that Ozzie said just what I was thinking. Perhaps the lesson is to realize that needles can also be good -- even life saving! Sorry for what you have to go through, getting blood checked is no fun, however I'm glad that it is keeping you in better health. t/c Mandy |
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Jul 14, 2005 at 11:02 PM
#3
(((Petunia)))) I know this is hard for you, it would be for anyone! Not all fear is bad, remember... someone who cannot swim should be afraid to go in water over their head.... some of your being triggered... maybe... can be reframed? I hope.,,, YOU can use it to make sure each person who helps you with those needles, keeps you safe.... sometimes we all need another to remind us of good hygiene and double checking, etc. ya know?
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Jul 14, 2005 at 11:16 PM
#4
Thanks so much Sky and Mandy,
I think between my brothers dying, the fear attached to my blood disorder (which isn't looking too spiffy these days,)and my T having cancer...well, I'm just a swirling mass of fright and sadness. Petunia |
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Jul 21, 2005 at 08:47 AM
#5
coming here a bit late but i thought i might add something...it may seem exhausting to explain every time but it can't hurt to keep explaining. perhaps if you tell your doctor about it then it might be put in your charts or something so that whoever is taking the blood will know and be sensitive to your fear. that must really be rough for you. also perhaps trying to reassociate the fear to think that it was what was in or on the needle that killed, not the needle itself...and you are in a doctors office which is clean and sterile. perhaps that will help. good luck with that, Petunia. I think you're very brave for continuing to be strong despite having to face that regularly.
-shadowdancer __________________ i tear my heart open i sew myself shut my weakness is that i care too much the scars remind me the past is real i tear my heart open just to feel ~Papa Roach |
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Jul 21, 2005 at 11:10 PM
#6
Thank you shadowdancer and welcome to the forums!
Petunia |
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Jul 22, 2005 at 03:57 PM
#7
((((((((((((((((((((((((Petunia))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I FEAR needles...get sooooo wooooozie everytime I have to give blood, get an IV, etc. I just have to walk in, take a deep breath, look away and try to daydream a bit about anything (I usually go armed with something to daydream about). Before being diagnosed with PTSD I was constantly going to doctors for tests (of course they always wanted blood....vampires) and I had to visit too many labs and technicians. But, not a one of them ever thought twice about my behavior. I made it obvious needles bothered me and just breathed deep and looked away. Would a tool like that help you any? I know my situation is different but I hopes this helps. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs for petunia)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) __________________ Schatze Needs a Sig |
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Jul 22, 2005 at 04:17 PM
#8
Aww Schatze...thanks for the hugs.
The whole thing is so deeply rooted. Most of my PTSD is precisely for this reason, watching people overdosing and being hauled away in ambulances. Never being sure if they were just nodding out with the needles still stuck in their veins, or if they were dead. It's truly more about those times as a kid, then about them dying in adulthood. (My brothers lasted another twenty, twenty-five years after the above mentioned time, so it was a long ride in hell for all) It is hard to stay present and not be carried off to being twelve years old screaming "there's something wrong with so-and-so" in my full blown PTSD state of childhood. I haven't flashbacked. I don't hyperventilate. I just dread. Petunia |
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Jul 22, 2005 at 05:13 PM
#9
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Petunia)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
My heart goes out to you and I wish that had not ever happened. The dread must be unbearable at times and I'm so sorry for you to have to endure that. Good news about the flashbacks. You're such a strong person to get through this and I admire you. __________________ Schatze Needs a Sig |
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Jul 22, 2005 at 09:32 PM
#10
Schatze
.gif) So sweet... Petunia |
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Dec 30, 2005 at 06:08 PM
#11
I just needed to revisit this. I have had a few bad experiences lately and I just need to remind myself that this is sooooooo in the past and that I have to learn to let it go.
 I used to be able to contain this stuff. I held it in check until my first brother died. Five years later when the other one died...I lost it. I crumbled. I let it get the best of me and it knocked me down over and over again.  Why is it so hard to retrain the brain? How many times must I revisit this? You'd think by now I'd be over it. I feel like I'm flunking. It doesn't happen all the time anymore, but something as simple as the woman tapping on my vein threw me back thirty something years ago.  Sigh and grrrrr all at once. |
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Dec 30, 2005 at 08:40 PM
#12
(((petunia))) be gentle with yourself... </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just need to remind myself that this is sooooooo in the past and that I have to learn to let it go. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> isn't a fair way to talk to yourself, imo. That you are revisiting this, and continuing to place it where it belongs, is learning to let it go, imo. __________________ |
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Dec 30, 2005 at 10:09 PM
#13
Thanks _Sky.
It's so much easier to bury myself under a mountain of contempt than it is to find a single ounce of compassion. 
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Dec 30, 2005 at 10:43 PM
#14
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Petunia said: It's so much easier to bury myself under a mountain of contempt than it is to find a single ounce of compassion. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I so understand this one. Imagine if we turned the tables on ourselves and had as much compassion for ourselves as we used to have of contempt. __________________ |
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Dec 30, 2005 at 10:59 PM
#15
Oh, Petunia...just your sharing this is so very brave...But maybe it will be helpful to remember that the needle was being used for a destructive purpose w/your brothers and a life preserving purpose for You!
lots of hugs and love your way! grace |
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Dec 30, 2005 at 11:30 PM
#16
{{{{{ Sarah and MacD }}}}}
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Dec 30, 2005 at 11:49 PM
#17
Learning to not hate ourselves, and then learning to love ourselves is quite a journey. The mounds of dirt belong at your feet, petunia.
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Dec 30, 2005 at 11:54 PM
#18
 You got your watering can handy? |
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Dec 30, 2005 at 11:58 PM
#19
I can make it rain for you!
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Dec 31, 2005 at 11:33 AM
#20
Petunia,
Your issue with needles is too close to home for it to go away quickly. Please accept my sympathy for your loss of your two brothers. God bless you, Jane |
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