to myself that "If I just know it'll help"
But it doesn't help.
And I'll never know.

-~~-

lately I've been feeling like I should have never lived this long. Like I've expired past my due date. I don't want to die but.... most people iff they think like this it makes them happy and want to cherish every day but it just makes me feel frustrated and sad.

~--~

More and more I've been sweeping things away, and it did help. I havn't had symptoms in a long time. It makes me question every shred of my validity. I for one have never been diagnosed, but I can sense that when I write these things out to my T he believes them. He wanted to see me more often, and then he read some of the stuff I wrote and kept telling me how brave I was and it did in that moment make me feel a million times better. The last session I was with him he was going to try and look for another therapist who could "help me more" but still be affordable. If he couldn't we would just keep doing what we were doing. If that tells me anything then it's that he is taking it seriously.

I wasn't lieing but I feel like I exagerated things. I just want to take it all back.

--~--

I rp with a friend and it's really fun. Once in awhile though she uses and icon I don't like. I wasn't sure why it was creepy to me and then I realized it was because the picture itself had a vague resemblence to a flashback I had once. I wish I could tell her but I don't know how. I don't really want to tell her about this stuff it just feels too creepy. She is a really good friend though so avoiding her is out of the question.

~~-~~

The worst part is when I think to myself "if I could just expirience what I had before one more time..." because sans symptoms I don't believe in anything and then when it does just a little I get overwhelmed and think "why the hell did I do this to myself?"

-~-~

and finally:

I'm not sure what's worse: fuzzy memories that could be a dream, or memories so real you could relive it.

~-~-

this is just stuff that's been going through my head for awhile. I didn't want to make a thread for each individual thing. The separations and different font sizes I used were to make it look pretty and to separate one thought from another. Maybe it's triggering... I don't know but I'll add the icon anyways.

You know readers, I'd appreciate a response.

[NuckingFutz]

I can identify with living longer than I thought I would. I cannot sweep my flashbacks away. Knowing your triggers is the key in a lot of situations. Grounding skills therapists teach to their PTSD has also helps a lot. So does sharing with others with PTSD. Hope this helps.

[darkrunner]

Kaika,
I'm sorry things are so confusing for you right now.
I'm glad you felt a little better talking to your therapist.
It is also good for you to get your thoughts out.
Try to be good to yourself.

For the record...
I've never been diagnosed
and in truth I shouldn't be since I don't experience flashbacks and symptoms on a consistent enough basis to really justify it.

But there are days when I think that... these things are not a product of PTSD but are depression induced hallucinations since I isolate myself so much. This would make sense since I do actually have depression but this is not something I want to believe. It'd make me feel horrible and foolish for having fantasy and reality mix so much... for having my entire perception of reality distorted.

And there are days where... I feel like being overly gentle with myself. Like when a person on a TV show was getting hypnosis to recover lost memories I went upstairs and played gameboy because it just seems eerie to me. Being a person who actually has lost memories. I'm humoring myself with no real basis on fact that I actually have missing memories vs just being normal and that watching such a thing could be triggering as there are many time I wish I could do that myself.

[Typo]

(((((((((((((((((Kaika)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sending you my support and peaceful thoughts, while I try to find the words to respond. I hear you and I fully understand what you are saying so very well my friend

[pachyderm]

I imagined being alive in the year 2000, and how old I would be if I ever got there.

It is 2010 now...

Hehe, as a kid I imagined what I'd be like at 13, then I imagined what I'd be like at 15. I'm 19 now and not nearly as cool as i envisioned myself to be

But hey, I'm working on loving me for me. I kind of am starting to realize good things about me too that I'm kind of... proud of? Or rather finding things that I like about other people in myself as well so it's easier to like myself.

[(JD)]

(((hug))) Sorry, couldn't read the small font and thought you were just thinking.

It's not your fault I was pretty vague

[Bill3]

I kind of am starting to realize good things about me too that I'm kind of... proud of? Or rather finding things that I like about other people in myself as well so it's easier to like myself.

This was nice to read. Would you be willing to tell us one or two of those good things that you are finding in yourself?

creativity, sensitivity, and kindness

[Bill3]

Thanks!

I agree that those are good and likable things.

[phoenix7]

i would add caring and thoughtful to that for you Kaika

missing memories are a pain grrrr i have those - or rather i dont lol

seeing yourgood points and being able to acknowledge them is a big step forward jmo

and you know if somthing triggers you then it does - and thats all there is to it - i had hypnotherapy to get my memories back - it didnt work for me..

sorry im a bit disjointed tongit lol (theres a change)

i guess i just want to say i care and take care of yourself ok

http://self-regeneration.com/2010/06...r-inner-child/

It is safe to say that... for over 1/2 my life I've been at war with myself. So as you can imagine I find it very difficult to be kind to myself and my inner child.

today I'm having one of my "very frustrated with myself" days. I just want to move on now and get it out of my way but my subconscious is not cooperating :/

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((kaika))))

This sort of thing is very traumatic and as always flashbacks are things that come out of the blue, unexpected unless you have a vague feeling of uneasiness in the minutes before hand, though by then it's too late and you are in the flashback and you can't do anything about it but suffer through it.

Whether you have had a formal diagnosis or not the actions are still the same and you still suffer the same as those who have had the formal diagnosis because in every flashback you are not the age you are now, you are the exact same person, age shape and size going through the exact same thing that happened to you when you were younger; when I say that I mean younger than you are at the moment of the flashback, the same age as the cause of the flashback.

I could be wrong kaika but you seem to be a thoughtful, reflective person who really uses your thought processes to work through things, you couldn't do anything better than that really, it shows strength and determination to be who you want to be and not to let things get too much in the way of where you want to go...I admire that...I am working towards that kind of strength...



Rhia