[eskielover]

I don't exactly know where this post would fit since the feelings I seem to be experiencing consist of PTSD symptoms, depression, anxiety, probably a little eating issues, grief & loss, & maybe just plain health issues. How can so much be crammed into such a little package??

For the last several weeks I have started feeling even worse than I did during the hot desert summer we had & dehydration situations I ended up in. It seemed to start with the change of weather.....it is now mildly hot, but still we are getting the fall chills in the air. I never thought that just a stupid thing like the change of weather could change my feelings....go figure. Being out at the ranch with the cool fall wind blowing has brought me back to last year......(yes, there was a wonderful thing that happened last year which was the birth of my filly (Izzabelle)....& this year, the birth of a little puppy. There is always something new to help me stay grounded in reality....but at times the other crap seems to sneek through.

I have been feeling so sick (wondering if it isn't the flu) . I am feeling chills & then overheated along with nausea (worse than before), & dizzy to the point of passing out. My muscles hurt & have been getting a twinge of headache....which shouldn't happen with the amount of med I am on for migraines (I am fighting off that pain so as not to allow it back). It is really a strange feeling when walking....I feel about 6 inches tall....with arms the length of an orangatan. Things are zooming past & not able to focus. My heart is pounding at 100mph & I am continually exhausted....all I want to do is sleep. When I fall asleep without my med, I have dreams that bring back feelings of my childhood without remembering the dreams. Memories of last year are coming back also.....it was just about this time of year when I started having to take care of my Mothers issues that happened after her cancer surgery.

I have already finished the letter to my Mother with my psychologist, without much discussion & don't see how that may have had an effect. I have gained a few pounds back.....not happy because the stupid period came back now (rather be thin than have that nuisance.....besides I am too old for this anyway). It could be that has brought back emotional feelings too or at least opened me up to them. I have so many things looming over my head.....like finishing up the divorce information, packing up things in my Mothers home & in my own home.....& some fun stuff like working on the scrapbook for Izzy & the one for my trainers wedding. For some reason, I seem to be so exhausted that I can't get any motivation to even get out of bed.

I have responsibilities that won't take "I'm too tired" for an answer.....like my horses.....& my dogs. I try so hard to be "myself" when I am around others. There are many others at the ranch, so I try hard to make sure no one realizes that I am not feeling well. At the horse show yesterday, we had a conversation going about parents & I said something that made me burst into tears (had to choke that back real quick). I guess I hate people realizing that I have feelings that cause the emotional things to come out in me.....I am supposed to be so strong & be in so much control. I hate allowing things to bother me except when I am in the solitude of my own room.

I really can't put a finger on what is going on.....maybe because it would take both hands (10 fingers) to even start pointing to all the things that are going on inside of me. It is frustrating when you feel so bad & wonder if it is actually physical or mental.....in my past I knew when I felt lousy it was physical....but now....it seems hard to sort through it all.

I feel so confused by my own self......I don't even know where to start.....these feelings have been creaping in slowly I guess.....seem to have been feeling worse & worse...until kind of a wham. But have so many things going & so many responsibilities that I can't give in to feeling lousy......maybe that is good.

Debbie

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))) of course you DO know that this is a part of healing, of progressing??? Before, when you didn't "know" the mental associations, you couldn't face any of it... now, as you begin to get better, your mind knows some of it is safe - you are safe enough - to begin to process it. Yes, you added those animals into your life for YOUR benefit... and yes, they are needy.. and no, you can't say no to them... just like you planned. I know it's not easy, and maybe you can adjust your er um THEIR schedules a bit, to make it a little easier for you.... or find other options... thinking of you... TC