[E1234567]

I guess I don't really understand the symptom of dissociation really well. Actually I've wanted to feel dissociated because I expect that would take the pain of life away. I abused DXM for years (found out a few years into it that is a dissociative) and that took the pain away. I've been off DXM for at least a year and a half - maybe two and a half years. A few days ago, I got this sudden, overwhelming feeling of "OMG this is real!" and a second later (one of the longest seconds in my life) I started getting a panic attack.

I have no idea what set that off. I wasn't doing anything triggering (I was washing my hands), wasn't thinking anything triggering - just a moment of intensely feeling like this is real hit me out of the blue. Since then, I've paid more attention to how real or unreal moments feel, and I'm not even sure that I'm labeling those correctly. There are moments that I feel calmer, and it seems to me that in those moments that maybe things feel a little less real - but it isn't anywhere near the difference between my normal level of reality and that moment of really feeling like this was real.

So am I perpetually dissociated, just not dissociated as much as I'd like? Those periods of calmness which do feel kind of dream-like, are they periods of dissociation or not? What is normal supposed to feel like?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by E1234567

I guess I don't really understand the symptom of dissociation really well. Actually I've wanted to feel dissociated because I expect that would take the pain of life away. I abused DXM for years (found out a few years into it that is a dissociative) and that took the pain away. I've been off DXM for at least a year and a half - maybe two and a half years. A few days ago, I got this sudden, overwhelming feeling of "OMG this is real!" and a second later (one of the longest seconds in my life) I started getting a panic attack.

I have no idea what set that off. I wasn't doing anything triggering (I was washing my hands), wasn't thinking anything triggering - just a moment of intensely feeling like this is real hit me out of the blue. Since then, I've paid more attention to how real or unreal moments feel, and I'm not even sure that I'm labeling those correctly. There are moments that I feel calmer, and it seems to me that in those moments that maybe things feel a little less real - but it isn't anywhere near the difference between my normal level of reality and that moment of really feeling like this was real.

So am I perpetually dissociated, just not dissociated as much as I'd like? Those periods of calmness which do feel kind of dream-like, are they periods of dissociation or not? What is normal supposed to feel like?

We have found here where I am that those who have medication induced dissociation then after stopping the medications they continue having symptoms its called residual side effects. (left over side effects). not saying it isnt real because to you Im sure it probably does feel very real to you. but in technical terms its called pseudo (a word that means false) symptoms.

its like someone who has been on a major drunken binge can later imitate being as if they are on a major drunken binge, or someone who has used drugs their body now knows what using drugs is like and can imitate that. Just by thinking about or experincing the same situations they can revert back into feeling like that. Sometimes it can happen without experincing the stimuli.

examples -
think about something you are afraid of, even though you are not in that situation right now you can mentally trick yourself into a panic about it.

Think about something that is sad someones death. even though they are not dead your mood will go down and some people can even make their self cry with just the fleating thought of someones death.

Think about having head lice. You may or may not have ever had head lice but just the thought of it causes your head to start itching.

you used DXM to get you through hard painful times. your body remembers that so when you have hard times now your body may be recreating the symptoms of being high on DMX.

Talk with your treatment providers. they can give you some tests to make sure there isnt any underlying mental and physical problems that are causing this problem and they can help you to reground yourself back in reality instead of your body recreating those feelings and symptoms you had while under the influence of DMX.

[E1234567]

Thank you for the explanation. I don't want the feeling of reality back. That was scary. I got a panic attack a second after the feeling of reality started because I couldn't handle life being real. So you think maybe the moment of feeling like this was really real happened because I've been off DXM too long?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by E1234567

Thank you for the explanation. I don't want the feeling of reality back. That was scary. I got a panic attack a second after the feeling of reality started because I couldn't handle life being real. So you think maybe the moment of feeling like this was really real happened because I've been off DXM too long?

only you and your treatment providers can answer that question. everyone handles being on medication differently.

again the best thing I can suggest is contact your treatment providers, tell them what is going on and they can accurately diagnose the problem and solution that is right for you.