I don't know...

I've told no one of this. When I was 4 yo, I contracted bacterial
meningitis. I was hospitalized for weeks at Barnes' Hospital (St. Louis).
During my stay in isolation, they put an infant in my room with me.
I think the baby also had meningitis. He was in an incubator type
bed across the room. At night, the one nurse, who was the more
abusive to me, told me to call for her if the baby turned blue.
I watched the baby and when any nurse came in, I frantically
asked if the baby was okay - I didn't know what turning blue meant.
After a time - I don't know if it was hours or days after the baby arrived-
the baby looked pale. I looked at my own skin and decided that the
baby's skin wasn't blue, so I was scared to call that one nurse.
The infant's skin became a gray color, and I became worried again.
Another nurse came in, looked at the baby and ran out of the room.
Then four nurses, men and women, came in, looked at the baby and
froze. They just stood at the door, and didn't approach the baby.
Finally an older nurse came in and went to him. They called for my
abusive nurse to come immediately. When she arrived and saw the
baby, she charged at me, in my bed, shook me and slapped me.
She screamed at me and said it was my fault that the baby was dead.
She was escorted out of the isolation room. I never saw her again.
I asked the other nurses if it was my fault, and thay said "no, you're
just a little boy". But I've never recovered from this horror. I'm in my
forties now, but still wake up in the middle of the night with this in my
mind. There's nothing a therapist could ever say or do to relieve this,
since I was four when this happened. I suppose that the fever I had in
the hospital also help "burn" this memory in me. In my 4 yo mind, I was
responsible for that child's life. I just don't know, since it's each of our
responsibilties to do the correct thing when called on. If there were a god, where was he when he was needed.

Rusty, sometimes the trauma that haunts us the most is not something huge or ongoing, but just one event that lingers in our minds. What you experienced was traumatic on several levels...you saw an infant die, which had to have been very hard on a small child...plus, you were asked to do something by an adult that was way beyond your capabilities, but at four, we are conditioned to listen to adults, so you couldn't have realized that she was out of line...then, this same person accused you of being to blame for the horrible thing you just witnessed. I hope that you do recognize now that what this woman did to you was extremely unprofessional. To ask any patient to look after another patient is wrong, and to ask that of a four year old who is also suffering from a severe illness is unconscionable. My guess is the reason you never saw this nurse again was because she was fired, because she should have been for that behavior.

Of course, realizing all of that is really only step one. Our minds do have a way of dragging these things back into our heads, no matter how hard we try to force them back into the past. You say you have told no one of this. Well, one thing I have found has helped me with things that keep popping up out of the past is to tell people about them...not to reveal how much it haunts me, but just to tell the story. Like, "you know, when I was a little kid, this happened to me.." Somehow, dragging that event out into the open, and making it just another story of something that happened (maybe a pretty nasty story, but still a story), takes some of the power away from it. I am absolutely sure that if you told people this story, more often that not you would hear things like, "that witch!!! how could she do that to a little boy!" And this will help reinforce that part of you that knows the incident was her fault and not yours.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this will work for you, but it does help me. And hiding the incident away from everyone doesn't seem to have made it go away, so perhaps it is time to try something new.

Good luck.
*hugs*
mj

I'm totally in agreement with MJ & Ozzie on this too, Rusty. What that woman did to you was cruel beyond measure, and the more you are able to 'tell' this story, the more you will hear from others how you were absolutely NOT responsible for the outcome of that nurse's neglect. Best regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

I agree with everyone here too. You have been suffering all these years for something that was not your fault and something you had absolutely no control over. That women should be ashamed of what she did to a little boy.

Take care of you,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

i have trouble with terrible memories and sleep---found out there's a thing called 'nightmare disorder'---when i started fish-oil caps before bedtime i noticed a big decrease in nightmares. considering their safety, might be worth a try. i take 3 in the morning as well---definitely makes me more active and less depressed. too bad the world has people as that nurse---but it does.

pirate

Thanks to each of you for your help.

I'm still amazed that I related this experience
that I had, having kept quiet about it for so long.

I do think that with the recurring dreams,
my anxieties have found a "safe-haven" in sleep.
I started fish-oil capsules some time ago, but my
doctor was dismissive about them.
It could be worth a new try, thanks.
Many doctors have seemed less than impressed when
I mention how important the *quality* of sleep seems to be.
Some mornings I wake up ready to take on the world,
other mornings I wake up with an "oh, boy" outlook : )
I think finding a way to get a true restful sleep could,
at least, be a potent force for symptomatic relief of my
daily anxieties. I guess it might sound like a superficial
approach, though.

-Rusty

Rusty,

Do you feel any better about it now that you have shared that experience? Something like that can really affect your life, but please understand that you were a little boy and you didn't do anything wrong. You were a victim of abuse, and it wasn't your fault. That was a traumatic experience to have to go through. I'm sorry it happened to you.

Quality of sleep is important. You're right about that.

Hugs,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

Wendy,
I think everyone who has responded to my post is
helping me find a new perspective on that event.
That might be the most I can hope for.
As absurb as it might sound, I learned a gigantic
lesson at age 4. That adults can me no more prepared
for some situations than a young child. I saw that in the eyes of
the nursing staff back then.
At the moment that one nurse went sort of berserk, I realized that
she wasn't up to the task of being there. At that time, I saw
her as a "broken person". The way the other nurses let her go
at me for awhile (before removing her) still has me wondering.
That made me a little less trustful of other people. Now, I
assume that they were in shock, and a bit clueless.