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Default Nov 02, 2011 at 09:23 AM
  #1
My complex PTSD thoughts are raging today and they have me so bothered and angry. It's exhausting and I'm not able to accomplish much.

I am seeing my T tonight. We discussed it last night also. My PTSD stems from emotional mistreatment by my mom (and neglect by my dad) as a child; she's still alive and it continues to this day. It was exacerbated by jobs where, though I worked very hard, female bosses were mean because they wanted me to leave. Part of it was impossible job descriptions. They got meaner and meaner and blamed me for their actions; I just wanted to keep my job. In some cases, the cruelty went on for years. The result is that I am burnt out. Now, I find it hard to trust people. I may never be a perfect employee but I always try my hardest. And, I work very hard. All to no avail, it seems.

Now, I am unemployed. I checked myself into a mental health ward for a few days after being fired - it was a waste of time. I have tried my hardest at life and it has not worked out. I hate my life and the things about it that I cannot change - especially the health and sexual issues. I feel that I am cursed and hate god. The major religions are full of lies. I scream at myself all day for every little mistake. Being alive is not working out. All I am is sad and angry.

I see a T three times a week; it has been a few months now. I talk, I listen, I try and the result is - nothing. Today, nothing is calming me down. I don't know what to do about it.
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Open Eyes
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Default Nov 02, 2011 at 10:46 AM
  #2
(((((((unhappyguy))))))))

I am very sorry you are having these down days, I know exactly how you feel and how hard it is to bring yourself up from these bad days. And it is hard to just understand how the PTSD just comes out this way seeming to trap you where you just want to somehow break free of it.

In the past few weeks I have recognized some things about the people who have mistreated me in my past, it was actually quite accidental. But I realized some things that I wasn't really consciously aware of the way I am now.

Unhappyguy, you were conditioned by your mother who obviously has issues of her own.
I finally looked at my own family in a very differnt way and my time here at PC has taught me things I really didn't realize. I came here to see how I was misunderstood and to just put myself out here and be able to see what kind of reaction I got. And I honestly never intended to learn and come to know what I am recognizing now. I am starting to see how my childhood effected my need to excuse other people's behaviors and do my best to be understanding and work around them. And then I really put some thought into the people in my life that effected me. And I have come to realize that these people had real issues/disorders that I simply was not aware of. My controlling sister has Social Phobia and as I came across someone who truely reminded me of my sister I looked up Social Phobia and as I think about my sister and even my father, and they fit the profile to a T. Both my sister and my father talk at me and don't listen and cut me off, they are very controlling and my sister can be very mean and make every effort to twist things into only her way of thinking. And I grew up with this control, and in many ways was trained to give into it. And when I couldn't get past is to fight it, I was hurt. But it wasn't me, it wasn't something I did wrong, I honestly didn't know what I was dealing with and she is still the same, very controlling and its actually pretty creepy.

I have begun to recognize that much of my own issues come from servicing their issues, and to be honest, even my own husband not only was an alcoholic, but he too had issues that led up to that disease. And as he is now sober and we have been working together on learning about my PTSD, he is seeing things about himself that he is trying to change.
My husband had a kind of hero complex and he wanted others to like him so much that he did more than was expected of him, the problem was, all it really did was make others just expect more from him, and wasn't truely appreciated. And he has been backing off and just doing his job requirements and finding out just how much people just expected him to pick up the slack and how they could drop the ball in their jobs and feel fine with him picking up their slack. Well, he is experiencing some really unhappy people who don't like the new him as he is letting them be more responsible for their own mistakes.
And he is angry and I had to sit with him and tell him that it is important that he doesn't just get angry at other people whom he trained to leave so much up to him. And that is what he is learning, and I am learning through that as well looking at myself. I have been trying to see my own issues and why I experience abuse from other people. And I do have to make changes and learn more about some of the things I somehow teach people to disrespect me, and also I am very honest, well guess what, many people are not honest and are very used to their ways of deceiving others, even controlling others.

Unhappyguy, I clearly understand your spiriling down and feeling guilty and unworthy and unhappy with yourself. But you need to truely step outside this picture and see why this happens to you. Your mother has imprinted you very deeply with the feelings that no matter how hard you try, you seem to fail and then you blame yourself. Hey, guess what, I do that too, and I often put myself down or hid my own emotions so that others could have their way or so that things could seem more normal. And I am seeing that more and more and I have to learn how to respond to people better and stand up for myself better, I have really been conditioned AND I have actually been around too many people with issues, and their issues were taken out on me.

I am willing to bet that your mother has some kind of disorder or some kind of abuse in her past where she has thrown out her issues at you and you grew up thinking that you were never good enough, in any way. And you need to truely look at how you have been trained into this unknowingly. You need to truely look at that in therapy and let go of the feelings of unworthiness that bring you down and also presented you with this PTSD. Because you were abused and that is actually the pattern that you learned, you fall every time you cant seem to please others. But the reality is, many times you are most likely actually dealing with others, that no one could please, because these others have issues.
And this can happen even in the work place, because there are people with issues everywhere in life. The problem is that your stuck on you and the pattern of taking the blame if your around these people and something goes wrong. And I am sure that you, even myself and others with this issue, unknowingly set ourselves up for being mistreated or even abuse. And this doesn't have anything to do with you being stupid or being a bad person or even being a failure, and everything to do with how you have been unknowingly conditioned into the way you think about others and yourself. And I am having a hard time with it too, just so you know.

So, without realizing it, you are repeating certain behaviors that set you up for a fall and disappointment. And you know what, your stay in the mental health ward will not fix that. But you can learn to fix that, you have to identify it first. And these feelings that your discribing here, "I try and the result is - nothing". That is the PTSD and all the negetive conditioning you have experienced in your past that has been imprinted in you that you just cant seem to understand. You are blaming you, feeling like a failure and are very confused, guess what, me too. And I am slowly looking at the reality that I am a nice person and in many ways I still need to learn, I have put myself out to try to please others, and these others simply were never ones I could actually please, no matter what I did. I unknowingly took abuse and I just didn't see it coming, and I admitt, I have to learn a better way to deal with the issues of others and there are people out in life that definitely have issues. And it is not just me, it is more about how I have to learn how to react to it better.

Unhappyguy, that is why your an unhappyguy, not your fault, but I truely know how you may feel like a waste of a person somehow, I have felt that way too. And like you, I have to learn how I torture myself in ways that I have just been programed into bad thinking patterns. And that is a part of PTSD, a desire to learn how to feel safe, loved, be able to trust, be truely believed, and valued and respected. And yet though we do try we somehow fall short and then feel really down and helpless and incapable and also very overwhelmed.

Your truely not alone and this way of feeling is the PTSD talking, but that voice is something that was engrained in you that you just haven't figured out yet. I am sure that your a really nice person, and you do try hard and your the one you pick on when things go bad. Me too.

Keep going to therapy, and make sure you talk about the other people that you feel you have disappointed and think about them as people and how they actually live their lives.
You need to learn that it isn't you all the time, you have just been so ingrained by the issues of others that you are now very confused and you blame yourself somehow. So, you have to work at that, and I have been trying to do that too. I have to be honest, it has been hard on me and yes, I often feel very alone and I also feel that other people are never going to understand how I really struggle and how the PTSD is so difficult on me.
I just want you to know unhappyguy, YOUR NOT ALONE, I HEAR YOU AND I KNOW WHAT YOUR SAYING. Keep going to therapy and keep coming here. You can even vent here, and get your feelings down in writing, just like you have here. Because that way you can see it and you can also actually get a response, like mine that lets you know, your not alone, yes, it is hard, I have it too. But there are ways to slowly work at it and slowly gain.

I know these bad days very well, I know the anger, the sadness, and the confusion and even the exhaustion, feelings of isolation, and wondering even what you want, how to proceed and the confusion is exausting, ALL OF IT, yes I know. But I also know that in time with good counceling and SUPPORT, even if you have to come here to get it, you will slowly learn how to correct this poluted thinking and the dumps of PTSD.

Big Hugs to you unhappyguy, please let go of the thoughts of self daming, I know it is hard. So when you get that way come here and get therapy and give yourself a break. On those bad days don't give in to the self anger and desire to self punish, I really have those days too, it is hard, just keep to task and keep getting therapy and as I have said come here if you need to, I can't even begin to say how much PC has helped me with those really bad days. Oh, just knowing I am not alone and to keep trying means so much. I really hear you unhappyguy, hang in there, keep working at it, you truely not alone.

Open Eyes

Last edited by Open Eyes; Nov 02, 2011 at 11:23 AM..
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Default Nov 02, 2011 at 11:54 AM
  #3
Many thanks, Open Eyes. You are right! I keep making the same errors, trying to fill the same needs. If I don't get parental love or approval, instead of giving up, I just try harder. It's a trap. Mom gets more, I still get nothing. Problem is, it's such a basic need that without it, I feel desperate and scarred and unloveable. My T has told me that a lot of my hopeless feelings and feelings of failure relate to my cold mother. Without parental love and support, there are no positive emotions to fall back on when things go wrong. I had already surmized this on my own but it helped that he brought it up and confirmed it. I am just devastated and don't know how to deal with it. These needs will never be met; I am very, very hurt. For years, I have been blaming myself for this problem. T says I should not blame myself. But, it does not answer the question, how do I live with it? How do others live without basic parental love and acceptance? (It seems they become alcohol or drug or sex addicts.)

I am so tired of this game. Tired of being scarred and living a fear based life. Tired of not having my needs met or having the tools to meet them. Sick of the complex PTSD and anger and rage. Devastated at being exploited and treated as less than human. Does understanding it all make it better. No, not at all. It just makes me more upset. How do you heal the anger and hurt? How do I make a life? I have no interest in relationships (no skills, no joy in them) and have the hardest time making and keeping friends. Religion and spirituality do not help. I do not want a dog (or cat). I just want to be a human being who is loved and employed. Is that too much to ask? Are there just some people who are not equiped to accomplish that? Is that a fate I have to accept? (It seems that way.)
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Default Nov 02, 2011 at 06:17 PM
  #4
Oh, ((((unhappyguy)))) I could say the same thing. When we have a parent or parents that let us down it really effects the way we think about life and even ourselves. And I can see that your probably a really nice person and you genuinely want to find a way to finally please your mother somehow and get that love and approval and acceptance somehow. And you also try to do that with others, even yourself, because you wont let yourself free without that approval. And that is very human and also observed in the lower primates.

I know the search is bothering you. But you truely have to understand that your trying to get love and approval from someone who really truely doesn't know how to give it to you.
It can be so hard to believe that we become adults and we age and yet there is always that part of us, that child that may not have gotten the right approval and nurturing and we can spend our lives searching and wondering and even not allowing ourselves to grow the way we should. It amazes me that this PTSD exists the way it does. Yes, it is very hard, it encapsulates a lot of emotions, fear, anger, frustration, shame, a hell of a lot of anxiety, and such a sense of an unfairness or even a strange never ending question.

Shortly after I joined PC I met a man that had been in therapy for a long time and he was very angry and his father abused him really bad. He had to again deal with his dad as an elderly man and that elderly man had never changed and remained an abusive person. I suggested that this member really look behind his father and try to see how this man became that way and I also told him that often abusive people just truely do not understand or know how to be a parent or how to love others, even respect others.

Finally he did what I suggested and therapy worked better for him. And he had to finally accept that father or as he put it, daddy he always wanted was never going to be there.
And he had to morn that, and I am sure that he is still morning that fact. But he himself is a good man, in spite of his father, he really tries and he went the path of punishing himself and finally he is working on allowing himself to be a good person and live life out as best as he can. And that is hard, its hard for me to do as well, I have things that hurt me too and disappointed me. And I cannot tell you I am better and strong again. I am learning and I have accepted the fact that I will be continuing to learn.

I have to admit that I haven't tried CBT. And there are members here that have talked about how much it is helping them. You and I cannot change other people, I am sadly looking at that too. But we can learn how to think more about our own needs and even learn how to slowly think differently in a healthier way. Hey, we didn't get this way overnight, so I am with you, we are not going to change overnight either.

To be honest, I am struggling too, and I am just coming off a week of hell because my past and one of my abusers got in my face and I had another bad experience today.
Okay, these people that are giving me a hard time have no idea what I am dealing with, they just are looking for control and they are just thinking about themselves. You and I are probably the same, more passive and try to please so when this happens it really becomes a psychological vampire to us. I have recognized that I have to learn how to overcome this. And like you, it is so ingrained in me that before I know it I am crippled by the abuse. So, I am trying to look at it, it isn't easy, but I know I am a good person, I just have to learn how to be more assertive and not allow these toxic people to continue to ruin me. And you have to learn that too, I am with you, I hear you. Unfortunately there are a lot of crappy abusive people out there in the world. BUT, there are some nice people too unhappyguy and your one of them, you just have to learn like me ways to overcome the bad and allow yourself to progress forward.

Just remember, your not the only person out there that feels this way, okay?, so your not alone in that.
I am looking at abuse to and I am trying to figure it all out and how I can overcome all this. And I am deep in a thicket and exhausted. And it truely is one day at a time and a slow process to finally recognize the reality and that you can eventually learn how to overcome it. I am trying to do that too.

And there definitely is a repetitive thinking pattern that childhood abuse victims have. I have it too and I am far from stupid. And I do have to say what makes it hard is that I did love the people that abused me. But they had problems and no matter what I say or do, I cannot change that. I have to learn how to accept that too. And it is hard when you actually love the person that abused you, really hard to see the reality of them and finally accept that you need to live your life away from that person because they are toxic. I wish it was different, and so do countless others.

Open Eyes

Last edited by Open Eyes; Nov 02, 2011 at 06:40 PM..
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Default Nov 02, 2011 at 10:33 PM
  #5
Thanks, Open Eyes. Your words are very wise. But, I find little solace in them. I am a deeply damaged person and the damage is not reversible. No amount of therapy can fix me. I expressed my frustration to my T tonight. Don't bother with CBT, it does not work on complex PTSD. I had 3 years of it, simultaneously doing both individual and group therapy. After the 3 years, I was worse.

Tonight I told the T I wanted to be institutionalized because I cannot be fixed. I told him I have given up and have no hope. He told me that I was not crazy. I said that I no longer wanted to work on my mother issues; they are too painful and I cannot deal with them. I also have given up on my sexual issues. And, I have no hope in finding a job. Maybe it's better that I give up therapy because working on my issues is so upsetting. I stand no chance of having a normal life.
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Default Nov 03, 2011 at 12:07 PM
  #6
Well, I am sure the recent loss of your job and the ongoing disappointment with your mother has really caused the PTSD to become overwhelming. What your saying here is just how I feel, I have been so bad the past few days. So, here is what brought that on
just so you see how much I know what your feeling.

I dont know if you know about my neighbors negligence that allowed one of his dogs to run onto my property chasing around all my horses and ponies. Well, that was happening at night while I was sleeping. And the underground electric fence that contained the dog wasn't working and according to them they were fiddling with it on the weekends to see if they could fix it. Well, by Monday night they knew it wasn't working because the dog was coming onto my property and targeting my horses and ponies. And though I did see it loose, I had honked my horn and yelled at the dog and saw them at their door and it run into their house. I had problems with them when they first moved in and thought they could just let thier dogs run my property. I had called the police and the dog warden and they finally contained their dogs. One dog had to be tied because it would run right through the fence and just take the shock. Occassionally that dog would break free and I would yell and they would fix the tie and appologize. I even tried to be friendly with them and get along and many times I talked about the value of my animals and what I did with them. So when I saw the other dog loose and I yelled and saw them bring it in their house, I honestly didn't realize that their fence was broken or that they were going to let that dog run onto my property at night on the same nights and that was going to slowly ruin everything I had worked very hard for. And then my husband and I came home from a late dinner out and we saw the dog chasing around all of them and I will never forget how fast that dog was running loops around them. And that night we yelled and watched the dog run to the neighbors house and into the front door. But what I didn't know is that after that night I was going to spend months addressing all the different kinds of damage that my horses and ponies suffered. And my favorite one died dispite my efforts to save her, and one really expensive horse that we all worked hard for was badly damaged too and everywhere I looked it just kept coming. And I finally just broke and wanted to end, I was exhausted in every way. And I ended up in a psychward and all I asked for is sleep and grief counceling. And the psychward didn't give me that, instead I was further tramatized by the surroundings, ill people, and a very cold room. And being pushed to take different medications that made me sick.

I had been through a lot in my life, I was the youngest of three and both my siblings abused me. I somehow learned to do whatever they asked and I hid and ran and suffered quietly. My two siblings hated each other, my older sister hated my brother from the time he came home with my mother, she even tried to kill him. Then when I came home with my mother as an infant, from then on I was this object between the two of them. I can remember how they both approached me sexually and I was way too young to understand what that meant, only that I didn't like it and it made me feel uncomfortable. I was afraid of both of them and I somehow knew that I couldn't tell. There was something wrong with my brother, I think it was ADHD because he was always running away and wouldn't pay attention and the answer was always the shed out back where we would hear him screaming. It got so bad that even my sister who hated him, yelled and stood in front of my father and said enough, hit me instead. And my mother was a loving mom and always tired and was always trying to give us love and there were lots of arguments over my brother. And somehow I knew that I couldnt tell how bad it was for me because I somehow knew that it would make even more trouble, even more danger. Now that I look back, I think I was right because back then they didn't know about ADHD and all the other things that are listed in these forums. My brother was so bad he stayed back two years in school. I was so confused I stayed back one year.
I remember spending time in the nurses office because that was the only place I could really sleep and feel safe. But I didn't realize that back then the way I see it today.

So my brother was just a year ahead of me in school and every single day treading behind him I saw nothing but abuse, the school bus was horrific and they were so mean to him.
He was yelled at all the time by the teachers, always in the principles office, and me, well, I was just deemed and issue or somehow useless because I was younger and related to him, even though I was never bad, just always very tired unhappyguy, I was always so tired, and troubled and confused and frightened. And I was painfully shy and I did feel like I didn't deserve friends and that I was somehow not good enough. And I didn't really know how to make friends and talk to them, there was always a part of me that wondered about that and also constantly wondered why everyone on the bus was so mean, I just couldn't understand it. And I always felt that if I was good that people would like me. And in some odd way I had to be good with my sister and brother and try to also be me somehow. And I did play by myself in my room alot and I always had those hooks and eyes on my bedroom door but that door had a lot of holes in it where the hooks and eyes were busted through by my brother. And there were lots of times that because my sister was older she wasn't home and my mother would be working for my father as a secretary and I would be left with my brother. And I was always afraid of those days. I ran alot and I had these huge pine trees that I would run to and climb way up to the top where my brother never found me. And it seemed like I sat there for so long until my mom got home and I was often cold. And I was always sick too, and I almost died of pneumonia because I didn't have time to be warm up that tree and now that I think of it I was always under so much stress and anxiety that my immune system was taxed. And I had trouble sleeping and I used to twist my hair in my sleep, it somehow relaxed me I guess. But the problem was, no one could comb my hair because it was all knots the next morning. I would twist it in my sleep and my mom would always yell at me to leave my hair alone but I didn't even know that I was doing it in my sleep. So, my mother took me to the hairdresser and cut my hair really short, a pixy they called it. And I hated that and it was so short that I could not twist it in my sleep. So, it was very hard to sleep, but I didn't realize it and that is when I started to end up in the nurses office. I was so young and there I was trying to budget that nurses office not too much, space it out, wait until I was just so very tired. Then I would have these headaches too, and I would go and visit that nurse and finally I would sleep behind a curtain with her on the other side, and no one could harm me, I was safe. I think about that now and what it meant, but I didn't understand it back then the way I do now, back then it was my secret way of getting safety and rest.

My mom was so loving and tried so hard, I just knew I could not tell, but there was that part of me that knew that if I really could not continue the silence, she loved me enough where I could tell. But I didn't want to hurt her, or put any more burden on her, because I knew she was always tired trying to care for the three of us, constantly dealing with my brother and arguing with my dad.

So I grew up feeling sorry for others and trying to manage and my desire was to do the best I could and hope the family would somehow be a kind of loving family. I didn't know what disfunction was, but I did know there was something wrong, and that I was somehow not worthy, that was the constant message. And my dad was always correcting me every time I spoke, wouldn't let me finish a sentence and my sister and brother would also cut me off, talking over me, ordering me, controlling me. And I have only just realized that recently. And my nick name was the grinder, and that is because for me to get anything I had to force my words and repeat my needs. I tried so hard to be tough in my way. And the one thing I really wanted was a pony, I had a collection of stuffed animals and dolls and all kinds of glass animals and I would put my breau against the door and play for hours in my room by myself with all my animals and dolls. And I spent hours with different themes, a circus I would make, or a big farm, or big town, I was so creative. And one day my mom and dad took me for a drive and blindfolded me and told me to reach out and I touched something warm and furry and that was going to save my sanity and be my best friend. It was a live pony named Brownie. It was the best thing my parents ever did for me. It made the bus more bearable and instead of climbing the tree I learned how to stay on the bucking pony and I would get home and off that bus, I would climb on his back and ride everywhere, and my brother and his issues were left at home.

And the good thing about that pony was that I could talk to him and he never cut me off or talked over me and he was warm and I could hug him and he was very friendly and he was a good boy and fun and it made me special because I was the only one on that bus who had a real live pony. And I would talk to him all the time about all my problems and I finally learned how to talk, at least to animals. And I also learned about how they do love you back because he knew who I was and he would winny to me.

Suddenly the terrible bus ride to school was more bearable, because I had a pony and I would climb that bus and I lived through my days because of the love of that pony. And I just kept thinking about getting through the days and that I could because at the end of the day, I would go home to my special friend. But what I never really recognized is that my brother and especially my sister were jealous. What I never realized is that as I grew and learned how to play the guitar and I sang and I was good at art, I had a sister who pretended she was happy for me, but was really very jealous.

When I finally got too big for that pony and had to sell him, being without him created such a void and again I had the trees and that nothingness. And my one constant request was for another pony bigger or a horse. And I waited for what seemed to be an eternity but I finally got another bigger pony and he bucked me off too but I trained him too and again he became wonderful too, his name was star. And I had him for a long time and I rode him in the parade and he was my world.

So my horses and ponies meant more to me than anyone could imagine. And I was always challenged and shy and frightened and controlled by my siblings, but at least I had one place that I could find warmth, and a way to talk and have the woods and even met other people that had horses and got to make a few friends, not many but a few. And the other thing I did was babysit so I could have money and I was a very good babysitter, and I didn't just watch the children. I would read to them, and entertain them with my singing and playing my guitar and I had children to talk to along with my pony. And the children never cut me off, always loved to see me, because I entertained them and paid attention to them, but in a small way, they taught me how to make friends and recover from a lot of the damage that was caused to me in my early years.

When it came to my teens and dating, I did like boys but I was also afraid of them too. And I was afraid of kissing or anything that involved something that could lead to anything sexual. So I was liking them and yet running at the same time. And then I always loved singing and when I got out of high school I took voice lessons and ended up being a lead singer in a band. But that brought about some challenges I wasn't ready for. I became a target and men were attracted to me but they were also very forward and I was somehow able to escape rape too many times. I was stalked and even the guys in the band were showing interest in me. I didn't have the skills to handle all of this attention. I got an offer from a producer that would send me to Berkly school of music and back me. But all I thought of is what did that man really want and how could I manage on a higher level where things could get worse. So I declined that offer and I even finally gave up the stage. But all that time, I didn't know my sister was jealous, I honestly didn't see it. My sister tried to take voice lessons too, but she just didn't have it.

I did meet one guy that was a son of one of my fathers richest clients. I went on a date with him and he made me a drink and I dont remember much, but it got me pregnant and I had to endure so much shame and a horrible experience and I couldn't tell because of who the boy was and I knew that it would be a bad situation so I just kept quiet and I had to endure that horrible experience without any pain medication or anesthesia and it was so painful and I guess to this day, even though I was only two weeks pregnant I feel like I took a life, did something bad. My parents just took me through that so quick I didn't have time to really think or really say what happened. And my dad was so disappointed in me and I just kept quiet.

After I gave up entertaining I still sang to myself, but I didn't want that world. But I did finally see Berkley school of music because a friend I had was going to Boston U and was dating a guy from Berkley.
And when I went there I ended up and a big loft and there were different students and guys that played instuments and jammed and it was different, very different creative atmosphere, I loved it and I thought that I could fit right in, it was full of creative people and they were just like me and I really fit in. I went home so excited because I loved the experience and I wasn't frightened and I told my mother and father I found what I wanted to do. My dad gave me his answer, he said, no, all you want to do is meet boys and chase boys. And I went up to my room and cryed and cryed because I saw my fate. And I became very depressed and I didn't want to do much at all. Before this happened I had a private art teacher and she told my parents I was very gifted and I should pursue that, I got accepted at Pair art school and I had been excited about that because I saw the artwork there and it was so exciting and I liked it so much, I like the people that were there too and even Mr Pair who interviewed me. But my dad would not let me go there because there was no liberal arts program and the school was not accredited even though it was one of the best schools in the country and turned out some important artists. But the answer was no to that, so this new no was a doorway to I guess a kind of depression. Because I slept alot and I was just so lost. And my dad kept pushing me and telling me to grow up and I couldn't spend my life in bed. And my mom found out about a secretarial school and suggested I do that. I agreed to do that because I didn't know what else to do and I was so lost. So I went to that school and I hated it, I didn't like the mindless girls that only talked about clothes, and shoes and boyfriends and most of my time there I had one friend that I commuted with and I was constantly hyperventalating and my friend had anxiety issues too because she would not eat any solids she felt like she was going to choke all the time. My friend had parent issues and we were quite a pair. I completed that school, but to be honest I don't know how, because I really hated it.

I finally met my husband and he was different than all the other guys. I used to scatch one after the other off my list because they all wanted the same thing and as soon as I made it clear the answer was no, they would just stop calling. But my husband didn't and he didn't pressure me and we became friends and I fell in love with that, he made me feel safe and he just never showed any signs of a kind of person that would abuse me in anyway. And I finally decided that this man would keep me safe, be my friend, be good father, and I didn't even care wether he was rich or not, I just loved the kind sole that crept into my heart.

So I married this man and it wasn't long before I was going to experience a different kind of abuse.
I married a binge alcoholic, and I lived a man that would drink and black out and making love was no longer making love, it was just to give in so I would not be up all night saying no. And then there were the appologies and I will stop and off and on and off and on, he would stop for while and then fall into it again. I never saw any of that when I dated him. And it took me a long time and by the time I found out what that meant I had a six year old child, yes, I was married to a binge alcoholic and it was my choking friend that showed me that because she was divorcing a worse alcoholic, so I went to an ala-non meeting and learned about the beast that lived in my marriage. And that beast was a long road of learning and being alone while my husband was all about him and recovery.

But I had bought a pony for my daughter and my husband was hardly ever home and that is when I started my little business with my daughter's pony. And I worked on my family and understanding and learning about alcoholism and trying hard to maintain a happy atmosphere for my daughter and I built up that business. So again a pony entered into my life and gave me direction. And with that we bought a dated 60's home on some land and slowly built a farm and an atmosphere where we could all grow up as a family. I had been told that my husband was the maturity level of about age 13 and in many ways I had two children. But with the help of one therapist I was taught not to let my husband push my buttons that would demand me to mother him. And I had an awful lot to learn and I was in so many ways very alone because when other mothers found out because I thought I could confide my fears in one person I thought was a friend. Well that person had a big mouth and I had no friends, lost my girlscout troop and I was pretty much a parria of somekind. And I had to find ways to keep my daughter busy and somehow have it not effect her. And my daughter took to horses and riding and competeing and that atmosphere and my business kept her very busy and it was a healthy outlet for her. And I worked very hard at all of it and there were many challenges and some pretty creepy people in that world too, another novel. But it worked it all worked. Until, in the night while I was sleeping, it was destroyed.

All of that was the straw that broke me. I was probably suffering from PTSD for many years. But I always found my way. I had formed many grounding methods, ways of dealing and I never knew what grounding methods were, I just kept thinking I was coping and working my way through life. But now I have been dealing with a terrible beast that is crippling me and I am remembering things in flashbacks and I have not been able to do many of my old grounding methods, because now I know that they are all attached to some very painful memories. I wish I didn't know that. I have been trying to understand this beast that is so strong for many months now. I find it very hard to believe that this beast called PTSD was growing in me all my life. I was a very strong person and I did many good things, I really thought I coped. And I have a jealous sister who was there at the psychward and she yelled at me and told me that I better get with the program and it was all my fault. I was in shock at that psychward. I heard the word PTSD but I didn't understand the depths of how bad it was going to become so predominant in me.

I understand that feeling of wanting to give up. I understand unhappyguy, how you would say that somehow you feel too damaged and you think about just going to some place where you could give up.
I had a really bad week and I have been battling in a lawsuit, lost most of my business, many years of hard work, now have bad credit, an attorney that is old and forgetful, a sister that wants everyone to think I am crazy because my parents are old and she wants control over their health, money or whatever.
And I have medical records that are wrong because my sister told the psychward I was narcissistic and they wrote that down, and a therapist that didn't believe the value of horses could be so much so she wrote down Cluster B traits, (illusions of grandeur) and I tried to talk about my brother and my life to explain how I would say the words that were SI because I lost so much and could not mentally or physically take any more.

My life has become such a mess and my sister is taking over and shes been very mean. And the past week she left messages ordering me and then she told me she was in charge of my mothers money and she wont let me talk, she just cuts me off. I can't tell my parents that I need help, I have been trying to get therapy, I should have more therapy, I can't pay my bills and I have been trying to hold as much together as I can. But I have am very crippled many days and I come here and I try to do what ever I can to get strength. But I have to admit that it got so bad with my sister and I don't want to answer my phone and yesterday I ended up sitting in a closet because I need a break so bad and I am very tired and I dont really know what to do. I feel ashamed that I cannot seem to overcome this beast that can be so crippling, if only I could get the time out that I need. And it is very hard to tell others what this PTSD really means, and it is very hard to understand it myself.

Unhappyguy, yes I know what you are saying. It is very hard. But I am trying like you, don't give up.
We have to keep trying because if we keep trying we will encourage therapists and others to pay attention and keep trying to help us. I know that somewhere inside me there must be a way beyond this. I was gaining but I am now struggling, and often I hang by a thread, yes those days are very hard.
I wrote this down so you could see that your not alone in struggling. I know how you feel, but somehow we have to keep trying. And here are there are others in here too and they have therapists too and they answer some of my threads and I think about what they say and it is sometimes a lifeline of how to think my way through this. I am not alone, your not alone, I sometimes just go from one day to the next and I keep thinking about the different little lifelines that I could use. You deserve to have a life, I deserved to have a life, your a good person, I am a good person, so we have to keep trying, yes its very hard.
I am just saying, don't give up, keep trying, I am trying too.

Open Eyes

Last edited by Open Eyes; Nov 03, 2011 at 01:57 PM..
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Default Nov 03, 2011 at 01:10 PM
  #7
thank you for your touching story, Open Eyes. i now understand your love of horses and ponies, and how much they mean to you emotionally. your childhood was very, very difficult and you have lived through it and started a family of your own. granted, there were problems but your family is intact. i am sorry to hear of how insensitive your neighbors are and how that has led to the loss of your horses and the very deep emotional hurt that caused you.

i spoke to my T candidly last night. i have many issues for which people have committed suicide: childhood abuse & neglect, depression, complex PTSD, IBS, homosexuality, anxiety, social ineptness and am unemployed. it's all too much. in many ways, i have given up. despite a lot of therapy, i make no improvement and am very distressed. the PTSD is awful. i am barely holding myself together. despite my best attempts, things keep going wrong. i don't know what to do.

thanks again for your story. i hope that your life continues to improve and wish you all the best for your understanding.
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Default Nov 03, 2011 at 03:47 PM
  #8
. the PTSD is awful. i am barely holding myself together. despite my best attempts, things keep going wrong. i don't know what to do.

Me too, I feel very alone with this, I hear you, I know what your saying. This is exactly what I am going through, dispite my attempts to fix, things have just kept going wrong. I am honestly trying too. I don't have an answer right now, to this, only that something I am doing is allowing the bad to come in and effect me. I know it has to do with the thinking patterns of PTSD. Unhappyguy, we are not failures, but we really struggle and feel like failures. There is something we are missing, some kind of guide for strength that we haven't found yet or it hasn't sunk in or something. All I know is I am not there yet.

I am so sorry that your alone, but I can tell you that you can be just as alone even with family, and sometimes its even harder. So at least you have space. All relationships are hard, so please don't think that it is all you. And as far as the job goes, the economy is hard on everyone right now.

Do you have anything you would like to take up and learn? My experience with men that are gay is that they are very sensitive and very creative people. And creative people really flourish if they are allowed to be in that world where they can create.

Oh, you were a paralegal, well that is a tough world because these attorneys are under so much pressure and I am sure you had to deal with a lot of gruff and bad moods. But do you still like that work?

Here I am with PTSD and lawyer issues. And you have PTSD and kinda have job issues that have issues with Lawyers. I have been trying to figure out how to figure out where my attorney is messing up and how I deal with it and find out under the wire kind of. There must be other people like me, I have been trying to get to that and I have other stuff thrown at me. Maybe you should develope some kind of business where you could maybe help people like me. Because I am sure that you are a sensitive person and I will bet you would do well with helping people like me that have issues and dont really know what to do, how to do something without causing further harm.

Maybe you need to use that sensitive side of you in a way that can better connect with people who deal with these lawyers that to me seem pretty cold and very assuming. I just find myself that I have always done better being my own boss. I have a feeling that if you were in the right kind of situation that feed you some positive input and let you shine in a way you haven't figured out yet, you might just look at yourself very differently. Before my business was so damaged, that really was my ground, and I didn't truely realize how much that did for me. Maybe you need to think about that, I think that maybe your stuck with the control of others, and your thinking is bad because you never really got to take the wheel for yourself. I got to do that, it made a difference in me. The bad part for me is that was so badly damaged and I haven't been able to really recover. But when I do get to do a job, I do feel better once I am doing it, even though it has been so damaged that as much as I try I still have more bills from that damage than I can keep up with.

Just a thought.

Open Eyes

Last edited by Open Eyes; Nov 03, 2011 at 04:12 PM..
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Default Nov 03, 2011 at 08:24 PM
  #9
Oh, unhappyguy, I was adding to this and my time limit went out. I just wanted to add that I think that you have been in the position of being judged in your work. And you were in a type of atmosphere where you had to please people that are very self absorbed and not really appreciative.

I was an executive secretary and hated my first job, but then I worked for a temp agency and I loved it because I moved around and met new people and saw different businesses and never had to get stuck in the drama soap opera kind of constant. I was never any place long enough. And as far as my own business is concerned, I am all over the state, meet all kinds of people, so if there is any kind of soap opera, it is usually someone elses deal and I am just an observer.

So, before you hang up your hat, maybe you need to find a job or start your own business where your not depending on pleasing that entity that is never going to appreciate you.
I think that if you were in charge and moving around somehow and with different people and giving out, even giving out approval to others that you yourself desire, I really think you would be a much happier person.

That is what I did in my life, way better than that kind of job thats just a paycheck and serving some self absorbed big head. You have had too much of that in your life, no wonder you want to hang your hat, you think that is what life is, wrong, not if you work for yourself and find something where you move around.

Open Eyes
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 06:14 PM
  #10
@anonymous37913, I feel much the same as you do. . Am currently going through a divorce from my narcissistic husband of 36 years; I had begun therapy for myself off and on several years ago, and that was when I realized, it isn't just me; he has issues too, and his behavior was killing my inner spirit and adding to the trauma my own neglectful mother piled onto me. 2020 REALLY opened my eyes to all the problems in our marriage that I had tried to fix by myself, things he didn't see a need to address or repair, and I'd finally had enough. I left him in July, and filed for divorce in September. It's not going to be easy, as I can't afford an attorney, and state legal aid has stopped taking in new cases, so I pro se in this divorce, and have to spend a lot of time and energy researching and putting this together. The ex-jerk has all the money, makes 3x what I do, and he hired an attorney. Goody for him.. I'm getting by okay financially, the Universe seems to know what I need right when I need it, but emotionally, It's a rollercoaster.

As time has passed, I have more good days than bad; but my first holiday season alone since before I met him has been so difficult, between COVID and the divorce. So many triggers I didn't expect! We have three adult kids and a grandson, and I haven't been able to see any of them as much as I need to. But I have my dog, and recently, have reconnected with old friends I'd known before I met him, people he managed to isolate me from .

I was shocked and happy to learn from one of those friends today, that he and all the rest of my old friends have never forgotten about me and still love and care about me. I've had no idea all these years! He and some of our other friends never understood why I married the guy; he told me they had had concerns about my ex way back then. They sensed something untrustworthy or "off" about him. Even my mom, who had issues of her own, was not completely comfortable with my ex, and tried to warn me away from him. But what 20 year old kid listens to the parent who emotionally abused them for years? I ignored her, I ignored my friends. Sadly, it's all so much clearer now, in hindsight. I am relieved to know that I am still loved and not forgotten. And the love my old friends are showing me feels really weird-- a good weird, but foreign-- because I think what I'm getting from them is what real love actually looks and feels like. Not what I thought I'd had for the last 40+ years, especially in my marriage.

A lot of emotions today!! The holidays seem to have set me back somewhat, I thought I was making good healing progress. I'm learning to just sit with the emotions, and allow myself to feel them, and let them pass, but it is a really hard thing to do, since I was conditioned for so long to stuff everything and pretend, just "going along to get along". This rewiring of my brain, this retraining and deconstructing the false self, and discovering the real Me. is so difficult!

So, not to diminish what YOU are feeling....just want to let you know, you are NOT alone. CPTSD or PTRS, I think some have called it, is real, and it is going to take us some time and some work to turn things around and fully heal! I am right there with you, @anonymous37913, and I truly think we are going to make it through this somehow. (((hugs))) :-)
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Default Jan 03, 2021 at 09:15 PM
  #11
Wow this a really old thread from about ten years ago.
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Default Jan 04, 2021 at 08:40 PM
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My complex PTSD thoughts are raging today and they have me so bothered and angry. It's exhausting and I'm not able to accomplish much.

I am seeing my T tonight. We discussed it last night also. My PTSD stems from emotional mistreatment by my mom (and neglect by my dad) as a child; she's still alive and it continues to this day. It was exacerbated by jobs where, though I worked very hard, female bosses were mean because they wanted me to leave. Part of it was impossible job descriptions. They got meaner and meaner and blamed me for their actions; I just wanted to keep my job. In some cases, the cruelty went on for years. The result is that I am burnt out. Now, I find it hard to trust people. I may never be a perfect employee but I always try my hardest. And, I work very hard. All to no avail, it seems.

Now, I am unemployed. I checked myself into a mental health ward for a few days after being fired - it was a waste of time. I have tried my hardest at life and it has not worked out. I hate my life and the things about it that I cannot change - especially the health and sexual issues. I feel that I am cursed and hate god. The major religions are full of lies. I scream at myself all day for every little mistake. Being alive is not working out. All I am is sad and angry.

I see a T three times a week; it has been a few months now. I talk, I listen, I try and the result is - nothing. Today, nothing is calming me down. I don't know what to do about it.
I completely understand how you feel. I feel like this all the time. I'm sorry you were ever treated this way.
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Default Jan 04, 2021 at 08:41 PM
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Wow this a really old thread from about ten years ago.
Wow! I didn't know that.
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