[beauflow]

So last night I was a little sad- i admitted something to my boyfriend to which i had not admitted to any one since maybe my best friend in high school when we were messed up one day.... but it was that--- I feel as if some days I was meant to be alone

i rather not go into the whole story with my boyfriend and I -- He does love me, and he says he is happy. I love him and I am happy with him--- I just always have this thing in the back in my mind that he would be happier if something did not happen earlier in life.... and I am the one he settled for

I told him that- I did not say exactly what in the past, but I said He'd be happier if something had not happened long ago... I think he understood me.
We have talked about this a few times, which always gets me upset. but i added my self with my fear with it last night, which I had not done in prior conversations.

He talked to me last night, and held me.

The problem I Have is-- when he says he loves me, and he did not settle -- There is a part of me that believes that he says this either due to he does not realize himself or he is just saying this to me since I am so pathetic (i.e. I can not handle the truth).
Another part of me is like-- maybe he is telling me the truth.

Another issue is-- I really don't know where this comes from-- And after a little thought, Maybe from my past with abuse from my brother, my neglect from my parents and so forth - the whole ball of wax from childhood maybe and even some of teenager.

My boyfriend just says-- "your parents just did a bad job" while I was crying about this all.... It really hurts to think of the thought of meant to be alone...

When my boyfriend and I first got together- I was trying my best to get myself out of this thinking and saying I was an ok person and stuff and that someone could love me..... and for the most part it does work... but then there are always the little 'demons' that pop up now and then.

I just was wondering if anyone else has experience this- and if there are such coping skills...

For me it is like a lot of things- It does just pop out of no where, and TBH I am not sure what the "real reason is".... And my boyfriend did not trigger me last night or anything--- I did drink a little that did not help I bet, this thought did not come up when I was drunk- I was happy and giggly having fun with my boyfriend when drunk- we feel asleep. He had woke up before me but I got up after him in a bit.
I don't believe there were any triggers it is like My Thoughts pop up and do this to me.... and I don't know why.



hugs to all--- And thanks for reading

[unaluna]

so beau - it sounds like you have something you need to talk about. I don't know what this means, feeling that you were meant to be alone? Do you want to be alone, now that you are feeling calmer, do you think this relationship maybe isn't right for you? Because by saying you think he settled, maybe it's easier to say that, than to be mean and go out on a limb and risk anger and say maybe you settled. You often say that you could do the Lead at work, why does he have it, not you. Maybe you feel that way about your personal life, too? I could be way off-base here. I don't remember, how often do you see someone, is it just for meds? At any rate, these sound like YOUR growth issues, and from what you say here, I would try to get an objective view of them besides your bf's. but wow, calming your s h i t down, now you so totally match your name, beauflow!

[beauflow]

Hey Hankster--
Ok The Lead stuff at work- Even he and other coworkers have said I should be lead at times- And to Me It is no real mystery on why I am not lead- I have mentioned in various places so I can see how it can be missed since how I am with tid bit here and there and not all at once -- but
1) My supervisor and I - when we butt heads we Butt Heads- We have been in a few heated arguments at work which is not good- and we both hold stuff at times- which I am trying to work on.
2) My supervisor and I had talked a while back on Lead position and I told her I could not deal with it due to I get to upset with people
and 3) The Biggest probably I take things too emotional right now and personally at work (which I have been trying to work on before therapy and in therapy I just get told the same stuff that I already know basically on the subject).

Home is a little different- there is "No Lead" - we are equal - Yes I get agitated still with him and upset but the main thing is we talk about this stuff.

I don't believe I settled for my boyfriend- I bugged him with the "I like you" for off and on for about a year before he came out and said I like you too and willing to take this chance with you.--And we became room mates at first... I some time feel I bugged him too much even though it was off and on for a year- Some times I feel i exposed my self with it all- i took that first step which was hard for me over all

This feeling of being alone has been lurking around since teenage years at least - And it faded away the first two years or so with my boyfriend--- but it tends to pop up again.

Some times i wonder if it has to do with my self esteem-- Just like the other day I told him that I am lucky to get anything as far as love-- he told me to stop being mean to myself.

I don't think I settled for my boyfriend-- He has helped me so much before we got together and so much with after we got together--- he does probably one of the most important things that I need-- someone to talk to, resolve, and get those things called feelings out at times.

IDK it is hard to explain--And since to bring up other things in threads yeah I get upset with the house and some times bills- but I am equally to blame for the mess in the house, and he has been doing baby steps- he lived alone for 10 years or so and this last 3 we have been together so I understand things take time. And as far as bills- well in all honesty he is paying for the car and insurance-- If I did not have my medical bills I would be taking all the electric and utilities- but I just cant right at this moment.

Some times it is the wonder of deserving things I ponder on.... if that has some thing to do with this all.. and to which that is hard to explain.

I see my T on the 9th- We only have till March I have been told with Therapy-- I am still boggled by how 12 sessions (so put them biweekly) I am to figure out my s h i t lol

_______________________________
Got off the subject with a few things above--

Also-- I have touched some basis with my t on things that bother me and so forth with things in relationship-- it is not advised for me to do my flight thoughts as I have at times, due to my boyfriend is great support and that I think in ways this is my learning experience with trusting someone---

Also I don't want to be alone- I want some one with me- I never thought I would be in a relationship as a young adult and teenager years even as a child i thought it was not for me- but I found someone that connects with me, that talks with me, that we share a lot of common interests, morals, and thoughts on-- so no I don;t want to be alone