[Cotton ball]

Yesterday was a bad day and as a result I was triggered all day...
My memory is gone. I spent 30 minutes looking for my car as I couldn't remember where I had parked it. I cant park it in front of my home...the last time I did that it was trashed...so I change it up and park in different places. I can't afford to have it trashed again and I can't deal with the thought of him knowing where I am...
The drive bys still continue however they are limited..all it took was 2 to keep me up and on guard...again.
Everyday I think just one more day and I'll be safe until the 3 month time period has passed...no judge could allow him to have any custody rights after this time period has passed (a reality that only exists in my mind) ...just 3 more months without him doing anything... then we will be safe.
Everyday I check the appropriate state websites to ensure we are safe and he is still making no effort..this provides me with a sence of safety....now its just 3 more months...
Everyday I am TIRED because I can't sleep and won't take my my anxiety meds during the day unless its an emergency as it makes me more tired and I need that energy to spend time with little one, clean, and do all of lifes necessities..
Everyday I think why can't I find a job...since when is being overqualified a problem..wouldn't that be a good thing. My resume is good and my job history excellent...so everyday I worry about money and our future.
Everyday I want to make an effort to make friends...but it only gets me paranoid.
Everyday i promise myself that I will make changes tomorrow. However it's just a repeat of the same thing EVERYDAY!!
I try to use logic but I see that my logic is flawed and appears irrational to most people. So I just don't want to try anymore. People don't get it and it doesn't seem worth the effort
Everyday I want to feel anger but that only turns into sadness. Why can't I get angry?? Just sad, sad, sad, confused and overwhelmed.
Everyday is an endless cycle...a cycle I need to break if I am going to move forward and be happy again.
The DANGER is gone...what exists now is only in my head...why must there always be just one more day then I will be safe.
THIS CYCLE MUST BE BROKEN!!!
I WANT TOMORROW TO BE DIFFERENT!!

[carrie_ann]

hi Cotton Ball
i'm really sorry you're going thru this
i don't know you so would probably say all the wrong things but i hope things get better for you soon

[Open Eyes]

(((Cotton ball)))),

I am sorry you are struggling and many can relate to what you are saying. This is going to take time for you to work through but that day can come where you eventually do feel the progress. I hope that you are in therapy because you should not be alone with all of this.

I think that pretty much everyone here can relate to that feeling of other people simply not being able to understand, but there really are others that do understand.
So one place you can find that is here, so come here as much as you need to for support.

It is going to take time to work through this but you will eventually have that different day you want.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Spiderlegs]

Originally Posted by Cotton ball

Everyday I want to feel anger but that only turns into sadness. Why can't I get angry?? Just sad, sad, sad, confused and overwhelmed.

When I was young, I used to wonder why I never got angry...everyone else around me was always angry and taking it out on me. I wanted to be angry, use mad words, be assertive. Marriage counselors would say, why don't you get mad! Don't be a doormat! Well, I got my wish, now I'm pissed off most of the time and I sure became an expert at 'mad' words. As a result now I have guilt to go with all the rest of it and am working on not being angry.

Be careful what ya wish for. And good luck, cottonball, I hope tomorrow is better for you.