Isolating

Losing friendships... getting triggered at the slightest things... my world is closing in on me, everywhere I turn. I can't even fantasize, anymore. Can't hold a job - can hardly go to the store, sometimes. I used to read and read... but now... I just can't handle it. Naught but the most lighthearted of comedies in movies - as long as nothing comes up that reminds me...

I feel so lonely.

My husband is wonderful... but he is worried. I'm just... so tired of being a nonfunctioning burden in the world.

I hate my dad for doing this to me.

(And yes, I have a psy-doc and am on meds - we're trying to find the right ones. And I have an appointment with a therapist as well, just have to wait a whole month for it.)

Do you ever feel alone, too?

I know you feel like it, but you are not a burden to the world.

Yes, I can totally relate.

((((RainbowRoad)))),

Yes, PTSD is a challenge and very hard for other people to understand. What you are discribing of your feelings is what most people suffering from PTSD feel. It is VERY important that you make sure to BE VERY KIND TO YOURSELF. No one who suffers from PTSD is at fault for any of it. And it is going to take you time AND THERAPY to work at it, understand it and work THROUGH it.

It is very important that you find a therapist who specializes in working with patients that are struggling with PTSD. AND, I strongly recommend that when you do start therapy that you make sure your husband also sits down with the therapist and learns HOW to properly support you.

Make up your mind that you will have a journey ahead where you will have to concentrate on you and MUST establish a safe place in your home where you can get rest and feel safe. And you have to resign yourself to the fact that there is no time limit on recovery and that you have as much time as you need to do your recovery work. Do NOT allow yourself to feel guilty, IT IS NOT AT ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE IN NO WAY WEAK and YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN either. It only feels that way sweetheart.

Also it is not unusual for people to live through abuse and block it off and move on with their lives only to have the experience/trama surface with PTSD even after many years. This can be very confusing, just know that it does happen and you are NOT being punished in ANY way. The more support and validation you recieve the easier it will be on you and always remember, no matter how bad/guilty you may somehow feel, that WILL ease up in time. It is ok if you need to distance from friends that do not understand. You cannot worry about anyone else but yourself right now. Yes, it may seem like any stimulation is hard on you, you may not be able to do things like you used to do like the reading, that will eventually come back, right now you have to slow down and do your best to stay safe and try very hard not to let yourself feed into the feelings that come with PTSD, and some of these feelings can be bad and discouraging and frightening and confusing and tiring. Some memories will be hard as they bring foward a lot of emotion and senses of some kind of guilt too. But don't let yourself feed into it, and it is hard not to sometimes. It will get hard for a while but it will also ease up as you slowly address it.

I am sorry that your father hurt you, it was never your fault no matter how much you may feel it may be somehow.

Remember we are here to listen and support you and help you as much as we can.

((((Lots of big hugs for support))))
Open Eyes

... thank you. I needed to hear this, today. Especially today. I'm losing a friend, right now, over this.

It's sunk in... one of the things I hate most about ptsd, so far... is how everyone is treating me. Like I'm delicate and fragile, and everyone is trying to protect me. Sometimes... they "protect" me by pulling away...

and it hurts. Because I used to be the strong one, that everyone leaned on. And I'm not that person, anymore. Everyone sees it. Everyone knows it. I've been the last one to realize it - and now that I do, it hurts like hell. I defined myselfby my ability to help others. It feels like there's nothing left, now....

So... thank you. I will read what you said a few times. Hopefully it will sink in.

And the therapist I'm going to see specializes in CSA, (also depression and weight issues, which I have), so I am assuming that ptsd would be part of that? She was recommended by the psy-doc that diagnosed me with ptsd... so... hopefully...

Should I call the clinic and ask, to make sure?

((((RainbowRoad)))),

We have a lot in common, I used to be the strong one as well and I used to help others so much too. But Rainbow you broke somehow, but that doesn't mean you can't now be strong for YOU. Hey, I lost a good friend too and it wasn't really my fault, I broke and she could NOT understand it. Don't be hard on yourself for these things, yeah, I know it is hard not to, but you are doing nothing wrong.

When I got diagnosed with PTSD I had no idea how bad it was going to be for me. I began with depression too and then got to the next stage where I endured a lot of flashbacks. I could not understand it, thought I had overcome or made peace with my past too. Yes there was a conscious and an unconscious that I had never really truely realized. It has taken me a year to get where I am now and the only one that remotely understands it is my husband and that is only because he sat with my therapist and one of his own a few times. For me it was a tramtic event that took a lot away from me. And I was just beginning to feel the happiness of SO MUCH hard work. What was destroyed was my worst fear and I now know why on a very different level that I only knew unconsciously and yet almost consciously too.

It sounds like your husband loves you and is worried, no, they don't understand it and yes they are going to need help with that. I think that is the hardest part for me, how other people do NOT understand it and I am constantly trying to explain it. I took a lot of time and came here and read a lot of different things about PTSD as well. I sure went through a lot and it does ease up with time. I try to tell those that are where I was when it started to do their best not to feed into the negetive emotions it presents. Yes, it presents all the feelings you are discribing. But you CAN work through this and regain an even better understanding of yourself and other people that many do not learn.

Please come and keep in touch here ok? Don't hide out in shame, because there is not much you can say that others here don't experience as well.

I am not going to tell you I am all better, but I have been through enough where I have learned that the PTSD activity that can take up your days and even make you want to isolate WILL ease up after a while. Yes, you may need to let some rage rip and get angry and short tempered and frustrated and probably appologize constantly.
I did that constantly and YES, at times I was unpredictable too. But the time has come for you to face it and truely work THROUGH it so you CAN finally come out the other side and be strong again. No, it is not nice to feel so fragile, but give yourself permission to say, IT IS OK IF I FEEL FRAGILE AND NEED TO TAKE TIME for ME. And Rainbow if you deni yourself that right, THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT YOU NEED TO EXPOSE TO YOURSELF AND FACE.

You know what the bottom line was for me? I mothered everyone else BUT MYSELF.
Yes I was strong, because I HAD to be many times, more times than I wanted to be in my life. But somehow I gained my happiness through others, not intentionally mind you, it was more that deep inside I didn't think it would work for me or that I could be or that if I was, something would happen that would ruin it. My work in therapy was to finally expose that depth of me that I hid mostly unconsciously in ways I had not truely recognized.

It is amazing the things that we can wall off unknowingly when we are victims of CSA.
I don't know about you but I always felt like I was missing something, not quite good enough somehow, behind as if I somehow missed first grade or the basics of something. I really never could understand it until what was hidden in my brain came out for me to relive. I can see it much better now, and it DOES HURT and I am finally grieving what I am seeing that made me feel I had missed something somehow. Oh, I could pick it out in others in an unconscious way too, intuitive, I was VERY intuitive, almost like I had ESP sometimes. Yes I was a good guardian to my daughter too, and because she was so very loved and safe as a child, NO CSA, I made sure of it, she is not anywhere near having the intuition I have. She even resents me for seeming to know so much, and misunderstands me for not quite being STRONG ENOUGH this last time. Yes, I am very misunderstood because I have stepped up to the plate many times and been strong, though all the while I was really frightened a lot. Sure I somehow knew the amount of strength needed and that I was the ONLY one that saw it as well. But that didn't mean I wasn't afraid at the same time.

Remember something Rainbow, YOU ARE HUMAN AND HUMANS MAKE MISTAKES sometimes. Now you are going to HAVE TO take time and care for yourself, no matter how guilty you feel about it. That guilt is there for a reason as I mentioned and it is time for you to take care of YOU and finally address it. And Rainbow, it is going to take time, so learn to be patient.

Yes, I think it is ok that you are going to see a therapist who helps patients with CSA. I am sure this therapist is aware of the PTSD that results from this history.
Please keep sharing here and remember, even though you feel like you are alone, YOU ARE NOT.

((((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

Patience... normally I'm pretty good at that. Not when it comes to myself, though, and my own healing. You're right. I need to slow down. Be gentle with myself. And not try to force healing to happen so fast.

You spend a lot of time and energy into helping others, to this day. I'm glad that, somewhere along the way, you learned to take care of You, too. That's so hard for mothering types like us.

Be gentle with yourself.

It is OK for now, and be prepared for a rocky time when you make a connection with a T for things to get more distant and dissociative. It doesn't always happen but often does on the way to healing.
Be sure to ask for tools to use for grounding skills for they are some of the most important things you and your husband need to learn. Let him be part of this process if it is possible for you to do that.
If not have him do his own work to understand why it is so hard for you and that you are not deliberately shutting him out.

I do.

You've got a husband that worries and wants you healthy no matter how you feel, which it is extremely positive. It is sad (and dangerous) to feel alone and to actually BE alone.

I personally feel like my PTSD is a burden to me, so it's this impossible to explain overwhealming feeling we are a burden to everyone else I guess. I'd like to believe it's not real.

I'm sorry all this is easier said than done. But you're not alone in this feeling, for whatever comfort familiarity may bring to you.

(((RainbowRoad)))),

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD it was after a visit in a psychward where I was really in shock because of how I had to face so much loss and I could not handle any more. Even though I showed ALL THE RED FLAGS that should have CLEARLY said that I was in shock, I was misunderstood and my psychward stay only ADDED to my already being in shock to breaking me down even more.

After I was finally released from the psychward I did some outpatient therapy and also went to see a pdoc. I was told that I should have NEVER gone to the psychward and it was the WRONG place for me to go. But even though I was given that, I was still misunderstood. I had no money to continue therapy and basically went on to continue being misunderstood and even punished for every weak moment I experienced. I had to continue in a hypervigilant state so I could continue addressing so much damage. I didn't even know I was going back into hypervigilance, I didn't even know what hypervigilance was either.

Once I got things to a point where it had settled down, I went into the depressive stage of PTSD. I had thought that what PTSD meant was that I had to take extra time to grieve. I struggled to do anything, and I didn't have much desire, and I was just tired too. I kept waiting for me to regain my strength again like I had done so many times before in my life. I had no idea that I was progressing into something that was going to be what I feel as the biggest challenge yet.

My family kept pushing me to GET WITH IT and jump up like I had always done. But I could not seem to do it, I WAS SO TIRED. My daughter especially was pushing me hard and even picking on me whenever I went to take a nap. I wasn't sleeping well and was also taking Klonopin, which in itself is a sedative and as I have found out, interupts with the brains natural way of producing seretonin. So even though I was taking something to help me sleep and reduce the anxiety attacks, it was aiding in the depressive stage of PTSD as well.

My daughter was working at home and often as I knew she was at home and could watch over things, I felt like I could let go and just try to nap and feel safe like I could let go of the hypervigilance. I was kind of inbetween being depressed and still hanging on to some hypervigilance too. But I didn't know that then. I was also dealing with A LOT OF ANGER from all the damage and I still had not figured out where to PUT THAT ANGER. There was something way back in my past that was much like my efforts to rest while having a presence that made me feel safe where I could let go of being hypervigilant. But I had no idea that was in my subconscious or a way of me having built some kind of a way to seek safety somehow.

That year my daughter was trying to help train new and untrained ponies and I had a couple of children and a woman coming out and working the animal in exchange for lessons. I also had a shipment of hay come in that was loaded with a poisenous plant. I was the designated hay sorter who would sit for hours sorting through hay to try to pick out this plant so no horse would get poisened. I found myself catering to people coming out at THEIR convenience and my daughter was taking over more and more too. And then everyone went on vactions and I was left with all the work too.
Even my daughter went to Portugal for two weeks with my in laws. Though I was happy for her to get away, I WAS STILL STUCK ADDRESSING THE DAMAGE AND DOING. Basically I was kind of servicing other people constantly at THEIR CONVENIENCE. AND, I was constantly up in a very HOT hayloft sorting through hay to make sure it was safe to feed. I was constantly on the phone with the hay dealer as well requesting that he replace the hay and he kept putting me off. It ended up taking 8 months of constantly nagging this dealer before I got the tainted hay replaced. And forget legal action as there are no regulations on hay in this whole of USA. I had kept going and buying hay I could feed so I didn't have to spend so much time sorting but it was hard because the finances were very poor. And my daughter never contributed to that either, she just took advantage knowing I would not feed HER horse bad hay.

The finances were not good and my daughter had a good job and COULD have helped out. I had asked her to help out as well and all she did was give my husband $100 once. And I just kept getting more and more tired too. And when my daughter told me to take a vacation, all I could think of in the back of my mind is that if I DID take any kind of vacation, my husband would think it would mean sex, which was something I COULD NOT DO OR EVEN THINK ABOUT due to not only my past but my husbands infedelity that honestly made me not feel safe sexually. I had this game where he thought it would eventually happen but to be honest, I hid the fact that this part of me was truely ruined. AND, I had a terrible scar from my life saving surgery where my body cavity was opened up to irrigate it from the toxins all around my organs. And actually that whole process along with all the needles and IV's stuck in me, left my body VERY SENSTIVE and I was actually PHYSICALLY TRAMATIZED. I didn't even know that either. And I was also afraid to leave the farm in fear that something more bad would happen if I did so. So actually I was depressed and tired and trying to let go of the hypervigilant state as well. I was not doing very well at it and I didn't even know what I WAS actually addressing.

Towards the end of the Summer one day while the front door was constantly slamming as we have an old metal dutch type screen door that was noisey I was hung over from the Klonopin like I was EVERY MORNING and trying to answer inquires about my business on the net and the noise of the door did something to me. Each time it slammed shut my body filled with anger. Finally my body was consumed with RAGE and I experienced what is called a WHITE OUT. I went to my daughter in rage and told her how she was not helping out and that she was pushing me too hard and she needed to leave. Then, in so much rage I scribbled out charges for board for her horse and rent for her room and the use of the cable service etc. I could NOT stop the RAGE that had filled me up.

My daughter ended up going out, finding an apartment and a place to board her horse without my knowing. One day while my husband and I were out doing jobs she had people come to our home and move her out and I didn't know WHERE she went.

For a while I could not understand WHY I could not control the rage that day. I asked everyone I knew and got all kinds of answers right down to the angels taking over my body to do what needed to be done and that my daughter was not helping and was actually taking advantage of me and it was high time for her to leave. Nothing anyone said to me made sense and I just could NOT understand WHY I lost it. And I felt like a horrible person.

A kind of friend that I had down the street had talked to my daughter and knew where she was and called me a narcisist and told me to get help. So I searched for a therapist and I did have a diagnosis of PTSD that I somehow looked for a therapist that specialized in PTSD. And as I worked with this therapist he began to use a workbook and tell me about PTSD and how it was effecting me. And one day he gave me a page from the workbook that talked about coping/soothing methods in a list. And when I read the list I could see how many of these methods I had really used already. As I noticed that a strange thing happened in my brain too. All I can discribe is it was like one of old time movie type viewers that were like photographs that flipped into what looked like a movie. And in that moment my brain flashed all these pictures very quickly that went all the way back to my early childhood. And all I remember is thinking how I had used these very things discribed on this list ALL MY LIFE.

That was the beginning of my experiencing flashbacks. And I was truely puzzled by these intrusive visions that took me over. I can remember thinking how I remembered these things and wondering WHY this was happening. And I learned about them in therapy, and the therapist was not that good and had unbelievable problems of his own as well. I had to finally stop seeing him, but these intrusive flashbacks kept coming and getting worse too. And I was getting worse as well and I grew frightened by it.

I began looking for a support group and a new therapist and that is how I stumbled upon PC. I had known I had this strange disorder and also that I was a VERY MISUNDERSTOOD PERSON. So when I joined PC I decided that I would just be me and see if I could find out HOW AND WHY I WAS MISUNDERSTOOD. And from the moment I came to PC I was so moved by so many people who were in so much pain.
I just started answering the quesitons and reading and I was writing LONG POSTS.
And the whole time I was sitting at the computer I was shaking and consumed with anxiety and the only thing that helped me with that was the time I spent just reading and typing supportive answers and my thoughts one word at a time. I didn't know why t helped me, but it did. But I have to say, everything I wrote was like a locomotion of thoughts. I would have not even noticed had it not been for a couple of members pointing it out to me.

For some reason I could NOT discuss my own issues, but only could talk about the damage to my horses and ponies and that I was diagnosed with PTSD. Somehow I NEEDED to just problem solve and help others. It was just what my brain wanted to do and I followed along. And finally I did talk a little and it never felt right, I felt vey exposed and also felt like I was giving the bad things POWER somehow. And now that I look back, I was really trying to find my way back to that strong person in me that seemed to be able to rise out of the ashes so many other times in my life.

And when I did talk about my issues, I STARTED TO BE MISUNDERSTOOD. And I could begin to see that people could not understand how this STRONG outgoing presence who had so much advice and knowlege COULD ACTUALLY BE SUFFERING THE WAY I WAS. And I began to slowly see HOW I was misunderstood and I was triggered many times here. And one time I was acused of being in a competition which was never on my agenda. And there were these hurtful comments directed at me as well and they triggered me into experiencing the most harendous flashbacks and body memories that included some infant experiences that woke me up in the middle of the night in extreme terror.

Then I was directly addressed and I did respond because this person had been triggering me a lot. And it was this persons way of addressing me that did me the biggest favor to be honest. This other person HATED hugs and I GIVE OUT A LOT OF HUGS and it gave me something to discuss with my T as well. And he told me that some children who suffer abuse are actually told the abuse IS LOVE. And it made me recognize a part of myself and EVEN my daughter's not understanding me. I really hope this is left uneditied because I want people to know that triggers CAN be messages that mean something that should be noted and worked on, they are important and helpful even though they may seem upsetting.

I had realized that how I developed from my abuse was that I was extremely EMPATHETIC as I was very aware of the pain that others discussed. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ACUTELY AWARE OF THAT SO I AM MORE LIKELY TO REALLY NOTICE THE PAIN OF OTHERS THAT IS SOMETHING THAT MANY PEOPLE COULD NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT ME.

I made sure MY daughter knew love and had real good nurturing. MY DAUGHTER'S EMPATHY LEVEL IS MUCH LOWER THAN MINE. Though my daughter knows love and security and didn't really know abuse AT ALL, she cannot relate to HOW I RELATE TO OTHERS AND CAN SEE SO MUCH THAT SHE CANNOT SEE. We relate to other humans by knowing how something bad or uncomfortable feels. It is harder to relate with other when we do not experience things ourselves.

Rainbow, we probably have A LOT IN COMMON as somehow, because we KNOW the pain of feeling unsafe somehow, WE ARE STRONG AND PROTECTIVE OF OTHERS because we KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS AND HOW "WE" OFTEN WENT WITHOUT AND REALLY NEEDED HELP.

Each person is a little different depending on how they suffered abuse and what was there that they could find as some kind of safe presense. When a child suffers abuse there are many things that child does unknowingly to self protect. Their brains actually walls things off so the child can somehow survive. And there are often rituals that child developes in order to self sooth. And for me one of those methods was finding my way to the nurses office where I knew she was there just behind the curtain and I could ACTUALLY LET GO AND REST. And that is what I wanted my daughter to do for me when I napped and she picked on me for it. But at that time I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING. And that list in the workbook was filled with things I had unknowingly used to help me combat all the anxiety and fear that I had all my life.

And the RAGE/WHITEOUT was not something I could help or understand either? I had reached my breaking point and door slamming? That is a severe trigger that I didn't realize I had. THERE ARE SO MANY DOORS IN MY HISTORY OF BEING ABUSED, I have revisited them IN MANY FLASHBACKS WHERE I RAN THROUGH THEM, HID BEHIND THEM, AND HAD TO KNOW WHICH ONES HAD LOCKS ON THEM SO I COULD FEEL SAFE. Those doors were the bathroom doors that had bolts on them so my abuser could not get to me. In my flashbacks I WAS TERRIFIED. Everything about doors are in my memories right down to the sounds of hollow doors, solid doors, and all kinds of door knobs. My brain is so programed to listen to doors even in my sleep from having to do that all my life from early childhood. In the psychward I had no length of time where I could let go and really rest. In the psychward, even if I closed my door, they would open and close it EVERY 15 minutes and that is how I had to learn how to get any rest, IN FIFTEEN MINUTE INTERVALS WHICH REALLY TRIGGERED MY PAST AND LACK OF SENSING SAFETY THAT I NEEDED TO REST. When I got out of the psychward I was even MORE tire than when I went in. And I was greeted by and ANGRY HUSBAND AND DAUGHTER and it became OBVIOUS that I was going to have to return to a state of HYPERVIGILANCE again to continue addressing the damages to everything in my life.

The journey with PTSD is NOT ABOUT PUNISHMENT. But it CAN be sad and it can be about finding answers to long time questions that maybe we never really knew about ourselves. I am sorry for anyone who struggles with it as I know intimately that is is quite an ordeal and VERY HARD WHEN OTHERS DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

I remind everyone how important it is to be VERY KIND TO YOURSELF and give it time to work through. It isn't happening because you are weak at all, there were times you were actually very strong inspite of being frightened and abused. It really doesn't mean there is something about you that you will never heal from. You CAN heal but you cannot put a time line on it. You have to be patient and make up your mind that you are FINALLY GOING TO GET THE ANSWERS AND VALIDATION THAT YOU ALWAYS DESERVED TO HAVE. It is a process that you have to walk through and it is NOT EASY to go through it. But you CAN get through it even though it is hard to see and feel. And YOU DO DESERVE TO TAKE TIME OUT FINALLY TO GIVE TO YOURSELF, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT FEEL YOU DESERVE IT. THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT THAT YOU FINALLY HAVE TO MAKE PEACE WITH. AND, IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT!!!!!

Open Eyes

I just want to add that just because I have shared my own experience, it doesn't mean that others will take the same exact journey as me. Some people have PTSD and do not struggle as badly as me.

Each person is different depending on what they are addressing that has presented PTSD. There are many who suffer some kind of abuse and neglect as children and take it upon themselves to get educated and even become professionals. Some people get diagnosed with PTSD and can even say that they don't feel that it disrupts thier lives all that much. And sometimes because some of these people do not experience the real crippling PTSD that others do, they can even be more critical than a regular person because they have the diagnosis but have not experienced the extreme challeges and can think that someone is OVER REACTING in some way.

Truth be told I myself could have been diagnosed with PTSD at other times in my life as now that I have learned so much about it I did experience some of the symptoms of PTSD. I could very well have been one of those that could have said that even though I was diagnosed I still managed to meet many challenges in my life. And I did have many great challenges. I honestly could have NEVER imagined the way I have been suffering from PTSD this past year alone which I would have to say was truely brought on by how much I was continuing to be denied and also kept within a trama, much like my childhood that I had managed to block off in many ways.

Many people who have suffered some kind of abuse or neglect as children tend to actually pursue carreers that involve serving the pubilc in some way. Some of these careers include, doctors, social workers, policemen, service careers in the military and navy, teachers, firefighters, psychologists, lawyers and even a devoted parent. For some reason these careers fill a deep seeded need that is often not consciously recognized. It is not uncommon for many therapists to spend years helping others and never truely address thier own issues and may not also truely consciously be aware that they DO struggle themselves. This does not mean that ALL therapists are this way, but many are.

Many people believe and are taught that we are supposed to grow up and become adults and somehow gain personal strength where they can learn to "JUST DEAL AND FIND WAYS TO NOT ALLOW THINGS TO BOTHER THEM". And many people do achieve this in all different ways. And because some people CAN achieve this they often do not understand how someone who struggles actually DOES STRUGGLE FOR A VALID REASON. And for the one that struggles there is a constant feeling of being misundersood as well as some sense of shame or unworthiness. And the human brain is actually designed to help us achieve ways of truely having the capacity to wall off many uncomfortable things that we experience in our lives. But for a victim of abuse that wall is often very fragile and if that person experiences something profound that wall CAN be greatly effected and can create this condition that is called PTSD.

When someone experiences PTSD they always try to find ways to define it in a way that others can somehow relate. Often there is a sense that others will never understand the struggle and often those that suffer OFTEN SUFFER MORE ABUSE because it IS SOMETHING THAT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND. It is a very self absorbing disorder and it is crutial that anyone who suffers get a LOT OF VALIDATION AND SUPPORT.

My personal experience has been one where though I suffered so much and tried very hard to explain it, NO ONE AROUND ME WOULD LISTEN AND WERE UNSUPPORTIVE AND MEAN AND EVEN PUNISHING ME IN MANY WAYS. I lost all of my friends, I isolated in confusion, my husband did not understand and support me, I was told to SNAP OUT OF IT. My own daughter is angry with me and even punishes me by not even calling me on any holiday, not even mother's day. I have an attorney who would not listen no matter how hard I tried, even sitting across from him and telling him that I was struggling with bad thoughts and I needed him to make sure that he NOT allow a deposition to be constantly held over my head as I needed to stop being asked to remember, remember so many difficult details that were presented to me and tramatized me. HE DIDN'T DO WHAT I ASKED EITHER AND MY WHOLE YEAR LAST YEAR TO THE PRESENT IS ALL ABOUT WAITING FOR a call to REMEMBER so many details I truely need to put in my past.

I was really bad last year and many times I talked about wanting to END completely.
My husband didn't get it as he kept a loaded hand gun in the night stand next to our bed. There were times when I wanted that gun there because things were coming at me so badly that I didn't really know how much more hurt I could take.

And being able to come to PC saved my life in SO MANY WAYS. There were even times when I talked others out of a choice to end too. As I talked to them in PM's I was also telling myself to KEEP TRYING. Often, just knowing that there was someone else out there that could relate to what I was struggling with, was so helpful. I felt bad for them in my knowing of their stuggle intimately myself.

If had to change my past from the time this PTSD presented itself, I would have made sure my family members were informed on how this PTSD is going to be a real struggle for me and that THEY NEED TO PAY ATTENTION AND BE UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORTIVE. And if anyone who is struggling reads this and is experiencing a husband or other family members who are not being supportive. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO TAKE THIS, COPY IT AND GIVE IT TO THEM.

I finally told my own therapist about the gun in the nightstand last year. I think I did that because in my efforts to support others here I somehow realized I needed to stand up and get my therapist to help me somehow. My therapist finally did something that should have been done all along. He met with my husband a few times and made my husband realize that what I was struggling with was real and it was time for him to support me and believe that what I was struggling with was REAL. It made a big difference in my ability to somehow feel a release from some kind of punishment and need to hide in my struggle. I then had permission to do whatever I needed to find my way to allow myself to heal.

I guess my one message for anyone who is struggling is PLEASE DON'T PUNISH YOURSELF for having PTSD. Find a way to give yourself permission to address it with a KNOWING that YOU DESERVE TO ADDRESS IT without FEELING GUILTY about it.

I am not better or completely healed yet. But I am doing much better than last year so I know that there is a path to healing with time and therapy and self healing and validation and CONSTANT SUPPORT. And if you need to come and question, cry, vent or need validation, I will do my best to help you if I can. But, please don't be ashamed, you can do this so please give it time and make sure you get a good therapist that will listen and help you. Don't be ashamed to talk about anything, you are not being judged, you just need to let it out and address whatever is there that somehow hurt you so you can finally make peace with it and even grieve it.

I don't mean to write a wall of words here, and I may even repeat myself. I just think about what would have helped me when I came here struggling as well. So I try to offer whatever I have come to know and understand in my own journey.

((((Hugs for support)))))
Open Eyes

Feel alone?? I AM alone. No friends, all dead. NO family, the only ones left are just causing me grief even though I never see them...been 5 months since I've seen my kids. Son stole my pickup, forged the title, then messed up the registration so bad on my other one that I can't drive it legally any more (interstate address problems!) and I'm trying to take care of two houses in two seperate states, driving back and forth and driving makes me CRAZY and dealing with all kinds of new meds for physical problems.

The isolation is heartbreaking...you'd think I'd get used to it, it's been this way most of the last 10 years. I am SO tired.

The only company I have is a 15 year old cat that SCREAMS the entire 100 mile drive between these two residences I'm trying to deal with! It's the most nervewracking thing you can imagine...talk about triggered...last trip was 2 days ago and I'm still shaking. And that stinkin' cat isn't even mine.....my last boyfriend dumped him on me 10 years ago! I don't even want another cat or boyfriend...EVER!

(((((Ohhhh Spider)))),
Well, we are adopting you and you can have us as friends. You cant help the past several years, you have dealt with a lot and you ARE struggling with PTSD. You need to take time for you and NOW DEVOTE THAT TO HEALING. THEN, you will be able to pick the right friends when you are ready. Unfortunately when someone suffers with PTSD often they are so misunderstood, even by themselves, and alone. The general public is STILL WAY TO IGNORANT and to uninformed to understand people who struggle with PTSD.

Give this time and we are here. The one thing I don't like is how far apart we all are and we cant meet and share in the flesh. Sigh.... and I would love to do that too.

(((HUGS TO YOU SPIDER))))
Open Eyes

You are all wonderful, thank you so much. I'm so low today, I don't know what to do. I keep busy, because I must...2 houses 50 miles apart to care for. The only interaction I have is more hurt and abuse. I've been struggling for 20 years to find the time and space to heal and it just gets worse year by year. All I feel like doing is crying and screaming. If it weren't for you, open Eyes and the others, I'm sure I wouldn't be alive today.

It's so amazing to have a support system of people who understand. Offline, online, as long as there is someone...

(((Spider))), maybe that is why you found this site, it is time for you to actually have some support. I am glad you came, we always welcome someone who can relate, yes it can be lonely. But you finally have some people to talk to here. Wish we could be closer as I mentioned so we could meet in person. Well, our thoughts are here with you Spider. You have struggled a long time, now it is time for you to get some support and be able to talk too.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Hi Rainbow

I'm new to this and still learning. My partner has undiagnosed PTSD or maybe even Complex PTSD. From a partner's perspective it has been a great help to educate and understand the emotions and behavior my partner displays with this debilitating illness.

I'm not sure how much your husband knows about PTSD but it has helped me immensely in trying to support my partner. Perhaps the education may help your husband help you and may ease your feelings of loneliness.

Also....OpenEyes....you have really opened my eyes. I thank you so much for such intimate sharing. You are truly inspirational.

TTUAH,

I appreciate you telling me that. And it is SO nice to hear that you WANT to support your partner with their struggle with PTSD. There is so much available to read about PTSD that talks about the symptoms experienced and even the parts of the brain that is effected. But, the one thing I didn't really find (that I could hand to my family members) is what it is really like for the person who is really struggling with PTSD and what kind of support is the best help for them. And because the symptoms can mimick other disorders, it is very important that the person with PTSD have access to a therapist/pdoc that specializes in this disorder. Otherwise the sufferer can get diagnosed with several other disorders unfairly and end up on way too many medications.

Well, for me, because that wasn't there, instead of getting the support and understanding I needed, instead my family said all the wrong things to me and even got angry with me, even punished me for something I truely could not help.

And the important thing for PTSD sufferers to realize is that if they are suffering from PTSD and some of the people who contributed to the PTSD are around them, it can make the PTSD much harder to work through and even really aggrivate it leading to some very dangerous thoughts as well as a desire for even more isolation, feeling powerless and even wanting to give up. This is exactly what happened to me. And it took so much of my energy to read about PTSD and try to understand it, while experiencing it and GETTING NO REAL SUPPORT.

Someone who is suffering from PTSD that can go back to their childhood is reliving many of the feelings from being abused and NEGLECTED and THERE WAS NO PRESENCE THERE TO HELP THEM, AND SOOTH THEM , AND REASURE THEM, OR EVEN VALIDATE THEM. The best way to HELP someone who is struggling with PTSD is to BE THAT UNDERSTANDING AND VALIDATING PRESENCE FOR THEM THAT WAS NEVER THERE. Understanding that the person who is suffering will experience a lot of emotional confusion and even anger is very important. If a person with PTSD can express their emotions whatever way they come out and are met constantly with encouragement and VALIDATION they do much better. And this recovery process can take more than a year depending on what the person suffering has to address. And often that person cannot say all of what it there either and they too are often surprized and confused as all these memories and emotions come forward.

People who struggle with PTSD are often VERY tired and will repeat things over and over. They will be very confused and angry at what is coming forward as well. They will constantly desire rest and also say, "I need a break" or "I am tired of dealing with PTSD" or "I just want to go somewhere all by myself". And they will really wonder if they will ever get better, ever be able to deal with other people, ever have a future, ever be the same, ever be understood, ever stop being so sensitive to their environments as well.

Supporting someone who is struggling with PTSD can be very demanding. There is a chance that someone who is around the sufferer and trying to help, CAN, experience secondary PTSD as well depending on what THEY have in their pasts that troubled them. However, if the supporter understands what is happening with the person struggling and just keeps listening and reasuring and ACCEPTING the person who is struggling, they can fair much better. Personally I feel there should be good programs that assist those who are living with or in the presence or have a family member who is suffering from this disorder.

I talk alot here, often write long posts too. But that is because I have been suffering in an environment where I have been very misunderstood and did not have the support I truely needed. At least I have a therapist who is experienced with and has treated others who have this disorder and CAN listen, listen, explain and validate me.
Along with the comfort of PC and having access to others where I can hear, ME TOO.

Yes, I could write short posts but I don't I have just let out everything in the hopes that others will too and that is where the HEALING begins. "I AM NOT ALONE, SOMEONE ELSE IS EXPERIENCING THIS TOO, SOMEONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS ME, HOW HARD IT IS, HOW HARD I AM TRYING, HOW EXHAUSTING AND LONELY IT IS, HOW HARD IT IS TO EXPLAIN, HOW NO ONE HEARS ME, HOW I WANT TO GIVE UP. BUT HERE IS SOMEONE WHO IS HELPING, HEALING AND GAINING TOO, SO MAYBE I CAN TOO.

Open Eyes

Wow Open Eyes....thank you very much. I really get a lot out of your long posts. You are truly a remarkable person!

Wow...I could have written that...it describes me perfectly! My latest big hurt...they've all decided I can't be around my great grand baby...now I have NEVER physically hurt anyone in my life, but my grown kids have decided I am 'dangerous' when it is they who are the abusers.

REALLY hurts! Especially since I moved back here to help care for her.

(((((everyone)))))))

we are a family here - that is the wonderful thing about this site - there is always someone who can lend you a point of view or an experience that can help you or make you think or just let you know you are not alone

lots of hugs and love to everyone here