Anyone else have complex-PTSD (c-PTSD)?

With mine, I always seems to be visualizing friends and family doing mean things to me. This is also the story of my life. I guess my brain has, over the years, tried to see the things that people might do to me. But, it has morphed into stories that repeat and repeat to the point that I don't want any new friends. If something bad happens, then I end friendships. And, I don't rekindle old ones if the c-PTSD thoughts are occuring and involve that particular friend(s). It is a quandry. I am prefering to be alone.

I have never recovered from the constant criticism and emotional abandonment of my childhood. It plagues me in my adult life. To this day, my surviving parent takes no interest in my personal life. Instead, I hear her problems. Her emotional game is so cold. Yet, with non-immediate family members, she is so well liked for being warm and friendly. She was never that way with her own children. She loves to manipulate people. Her advice - especially of an interpersonal nature - is uniformly bad. All she is concerned with is manipulating to get what she wants. Sadly, I have been taking her advice for too long and am not able to figure out the world on my own. It has been a total disaster.

I am spending the holiday alone. As usual. Unemployed. Broke. For some odd reason, I cannot summon myself to do much. I may get some cooking and ironing done. But, my apartment needs major work and I have no idea how to do it. I keep coming to PC to get better and to have some interpersonal contact but I don't think it should be a priorty for me to be here. I need to get better and I am not getting better.

[Open Eyes]

(((unhappyguy)))),

I know you have been trying very hard to work through this PTSD, me too. And I can relate to what you are saying. I thought about it the other day and I realized that my desire to isolate is due to how often my personal boundaries were invaded and disrespected in my life. And with the PTSD that has established I have come to realize that PTSD is like a real wound where when we CAN see it we are VERY SENSITIVE about that wound and touching it or even brushing up against it can be painful. Well, PTSD is no different really, we have been hurt and because of that we are EXTREMELY SENSITIVE. We are NOT crazy and we have NOT FAILED either.

And what I have recognized with PTSD is that our brains spend a temendous amount of time trying to identify "how or where it has been injured". And the brain fills with chemicals to signal emotions and too much of anything is not good, and with PTSD we become aware of the pain when too many chemcals render us into total duress.

What I am hearing from you so far is that you have identified the sources of how you were injured and are now very vulnerable and sensitive when any reminder of these kind of injuries present themselves or even the thought of them happening comes forward. And this process is recognized in all that present with PTSD. Yes, I have been dealing with that myself, and I hear you, it is no picnic and the struggles is very real and debilitating. And the constant message that I hear from EVERYONE who suffers from PTSD is how tired they are, or even angry with all those that do not respect of believe that they are truely struggling and that PTSD is very real and debilitating.

Ok, so you have identified the TOXIC people around you that have effected you in ways that hurt you more than you ever realized could happen. Realizing that you were hurt way more than you ever realized brings on a tremendous amount of anger, sense of personal failure, a lot of sadness, and finally seeing the actual harm is extremely depressing as well.

It is said that trama work takes a lot of time and that there are definite stages to it.
I have been told by my therapist that I CAN RECOVER and that these stages can be long and difficult to get through, WELL HE SURE IS RIGHT ON THAT ONE. It is also very difficult to work through PTSD when so many at the same time are expected to work, or have the capacity to function on some kind of productive level. Wow, it is so hard isn't it? I really wonder if it is at all therapudic to try to keep on keeping on when our brains are struggling so much. Sometimes I feel better after I have managed to battle through and do a job and sometimes I find it takes a lot out of me as well. And the one constant desire that comes forward is a huge desire to "ACTUALLY GET A BREAK OF SOMEKIND AWAY FROM THE DAILY DEMANDS".

Well, unhappyguy, I can relate to what you are saying here, I do feel that way myself.
But I am also getting to a point where I am slowly just realizing that these toxic people are just self absorbed ignorant people that have developed ways to intrude on the boundaries of others because of THEIR WEAKNESSES. So WE are getting even closer to seeing what actually caused our psychological WOUNDS.

Ok, today you are alone, and it is a holiday, well I can relate to that myself. And just because you are not living it up with these TOXIC PEOPLE doesn't mean you are ACTUALLY A FAILURE.

What I have recognized is that there are lots of people that are very good at PRACTICING DENIAL. But unhappyguy, just because this is so and you can't seem to do that anymore, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE UNWORTHY OR ARE ANY KIND OF FAILURE.

The next stage of growth for both of us along with many others is that now that we are truely recognizing the what's and whys of toxic people, we can finally begin to grow out of our own wounds that debilitate us. And NO, THIS IS NOT EASY because we are STILL WOUNDED and CAN SUFFER THE EMOTIONAL REACTIONS that can OVERWHELM US at times.

Yes, YOUR MOTHER IS A JERK, I am sorry that you had to deal with THAT SELFISH JERK for so many years. And YES, there sure are a lot of people that can DENY THEMSELVES THE ABILTIY TO RECOGNIZE HER FOR WHAT SHE REALLY IS. But make no mistake, THEY ARE JUST ALLOWING THEMSELVES TO BE VICTIMS.

I admitt that I do not really know how I am going to take the understanding of how I was hurt by toxic people and find my way of continuing on with the ability to GAIN THE ABILITY TO FUNCTION IN A NEW WAY, FUNCTION WITH KNOWLEDGE verses FUNCTION WITH DENIAL.

I think that what we have to do is continue to allow our deep wounds to heal. And develope scar tissue and also learn how to finally gain the knowledge into being able to function where we can recognize the offenses that others cause to others or even use for manipulation. We have to learn that YES, THERE ARE OTHERS THAT TRUELY DO NOT RESPECT THE BOUNDARIES OF OTHERS. However, just because this is a reality and we have been injured by these kind of people in our past? We can learn to develope new skills where we rise above this to where we can function and not let this extra knowledge we have to hurt us.

Yes, I know how you are going to respond with doubt right now. But unhappyguy, you are still in the healing process, as I am myself. And the transition to developing the skills to function differently than most who can practice denial is definitely going to take time to develope, but unhappyguy, I am here too, working on that too, and I hear you, IT IS A CHALLENGE, but you are truely not alone.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes