awful, awful night (CSA TRIGGER)

I couldn't fall asleep last night, and when I did, I had horrible dreams.

Part of the last one before waking up was that I was at work (or at least in a work-type setting), and took the receptionist's little grandson into an empty, quiet room to play with him, and ended up molesting him . His grandfather was in the next room and overheard, and told, and I made this big drama about feeling so awful about it, and you know, I was molested too (truth), and this whole Movie of the Week drama about making sure he doesn't carry on the cycle, and how rotten I was, etc.

And THEN, after I put on the scene for the grandmother, I went and told someone it was no big deal.

Somewhere in there, they had brought a kitten along with the grandson, and I ended up ripping off the kitten's left paw.

I don't know where this is coming from (except for the cat -- my sister's ancient cat keeps peeing on all my stuff and I'm annoyed with him), but it left nasty aftereffects and memories and stuff and I feel like crawling back in bed, but I'm afraid I'll fall asleep again and pick up where I left off.

Part of this feeds into one of my deepest fears, one of the biggest reasons I placed my son for adoption 18 years ago -- I didn't want to do to him what had been done to me, and I was afraid I would do it anyway and continue the cycle.

You can say it was only a dream, but I feel like I OD'd or something -- very heavy and emotionally overloaded. I don't know what I expected to get by unloading on you poor people here, but I just needed to get it down, I guess. Sorry.

Candy

Candy, I think you said it, this is part of your deepest fears. Think that our fears seem to come up in our dreams. It's like our brain's are trying someway to work the fear out.

I think you did a great job of posting. Took a lot of courage to do. Think there are many of us who have that same fear. I have the same fear. Maybe by writing this fear out it can make it smaller.

Monty

(((((((((((((((((((( Candy)))))))))))))))) Dont know what to say to this. But I understand the fears of CSA. Been there done that. I hope soon you will find some peace about this. I'll be thinking of you.

Hugz~
Beth

I give you a lot of credit for posting this. Yes continueing the cycle is a reality. I dont believe you are realy going to do something like that. I have the same type of dream. It does help me keep aware of the vonerability In me. but keeping in the reality of doing something like that we that have gone through something like this know how badly it affects someone. I for one would not want to hurt anyone like that.

Candy, your dreams are speaking youre deepest fears as your life is in a tangle right now. I hope it calms for you.

If you rearranged the characters in the dream, would it make more sense? For example, if you were the child?

Maybe you're working through the various senses of responsibility of the players. People who owed you a duty of protection? I'm sorry if I'm way off, but you seem pretty distressed. It sounds to me like you do understand the responsibilities of the various adult parties, even though the dream is not comforting.

I hope you get some restful sleep, in its place.

Lar

You might be on to something (as usual), Lar. I was around 6 or 7 when "it" all started, and I have enough circumstantial evidence to "prove" that there were adults who knew and did nothing.

I dunno. I've been near tears all day, and now I'm afraid to go to bed. I just want to go hide somewhere. That was a lot easier when I lived alone. I can't hide very easily in a household with 2 other adults, especially one who is harassing me about changing my entire lifestyle.



Candy