[Hellion]

Seems like it...I mean sure at first I thought it was just the one specific incident and lack of any support or help with coping after that caused the PTSD. But then came all the memories of generally being treated like crap at school by teachers and other kids...the same behavior that seems to be praised in this society was used against me. You know 'conform or you have hell to pay', 'keep up or get left behind and kicked while your down as an added bonus.' which brings me to another point......I find being stuck in this very society traumatizing because of that. I mean people used to tell me once you grow up and get out of school people are more mature and its not like that anymore, as far as I can tell that was a lie.

I am disturbed by it and doubt I would want to be a part of it even if I was more functional......but at the same time I don't have any skills or strengths nessisary to come up with an alternative to having to be exposed to it. I've applied for SSI and have an appointment to address my mental health issues but I feel pretty defeated going to the very system(though I realise it was more my experience in public school but that is part of the system) that is partially the cause of my PTSD in the first place because I feel there is no other choice. I am afraid of being to honest with the mental health professionals because I don't want to be stuck in a psych ward having people poke and prod trying to adapt me to something I am not adaptable to......I suppose I don't see how I can become 'healthy' if stuck in an unhealthy society. People refer to this twisted overly-capitalistic society as 'the real world' well 'the real world' is looking pretty fake and unstable to me lately.

Its just so frustrating its as though I can not survive in this society...nor can I do anything to improve it for the better, nor can I simply just get away from it and live apart from it it seems. Besides I've been told repeatedly I am 'naive' and even stupid for even considering the possibility of a better society....well maybe they are right. It would be better if I just didn't give a damn and was not so sensitive I couldn't even make it through grade school, and a lock down situation in which a student was killed in higschool without developing PTSD and now I am even less able to handle the stress and pain then I was before the PTSD at least then I still had a little glimmer of hope...but that is gone as far as I can tell.