[Switch]

*may be triggering for some because it briefly mentions trauma but not in detail so I didn't put the symbol*

I'm learning slowly that something I can't remember happened to me, and I'm worried I'm starting to remember. I'm reacting to things that I use to not. Mostly in sex stuff and intimacy. It's bothering me because I just started dating a new guy, and I'm stressed about the relationship because I don't want to hurt him and I think I will. I've been dissociating, and I don't want him to run because I'm nuts (though I know he wont, he's nuts too), and I'm worried because my friend committed suicide and drugged me. And now I'm calling off having sex all the time and I feel horrible about it but half way through I'll just start freaking out and have to stop.

I'm 90% sure something happened to me. I have no idea what. When is probably when I was a kid, age 3 or 4, in Victoria BC. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD because I don't really remember anything and doctors only want to focus on my bipolar and sort of my anxiety, not my dissociations.

So, that's the bare bones of what's going on. What I'm wondering is if there is anyone who knows the signs and symptoms of surfacing memories. I realize that its usually a very personal thing and that everyones experience is different, but I'm worried I'm having a memory surface for the first time, and I want to know that this will pass and Ill get through it and that this is actually happening and not just in my head.

That was far longer than intended. sorry...

[pegasus]

Well, it sounds like a memory, especially if this comes up each time in a relationship. You need to talk about this with a professional. It takes a lot of work but it will be worth it.

[NicoTeresa]

It certainly sounds like you may have experienced some sort of child sexual assault/ abuse. Don't listen to the people who say repressed memories happen. They do, and it's common for survivors of trauma to use this survival technique. It's actually really creative. At the time, you may not have been able to cope with the full extent of the trauma. You wouldn't have survived; it was too much. So your brain buries it until you have the resources to deal with it. What you did to survive was amazing!

Right now, your first priority is to start building a strong support network. Look for people who generally support you and validate your emotions. Try to do this as much as possible before a memory/memories surface. Definitely get into therapy. If your partner isn't supportive of you, it's not worth the pain. It sounds like you may be entering into a difficult time in your life, and you don't need to deal with a S/O being invalidating. If your partner is supportive, however, definitely keep that person around.

If something does surface, allow yourself to experience it. Your brain is doing this to you now for a reason. If you start to feel kind of like you're floating or moving around like you're on a boat in the ocean, put your feet on the ground. Then, breathe in for four, hold for four, and breathe out for four. Do this at least 5 times, more if needed. It will help ground you. If grounding doesn't work and the memory comes anyway, it's okay. You survived the worst part of it already; the experience itself. You can survive this, too. Make sure you get in touch with some friends. Make yourself a bagel with too much cream cheese. Draw. Do whatever you need to to feel okay. And talk to your therapist. Also, we're all here for you!

[NicoTeresa]

Originally Posted by NicoTeresa

It certainly sounds like you may have experienced some sort of child sexual assault/ abuse. Don't listen to the people who say repressed memories happen. They do, and it's common for survivors of trauma to use this survival technique. It's actually really creative. At the time, you may not have been able to cope with the full extent of the trauma. You wouldn't have survived; it was too much. So your brain buries it until you have the resources to deal with it. What you did to survive was amazing!

Right now, your first priority is to start building a strong support network. Look for people who generally support you and validate your emotions. Try to do this as much as possible before a memory/memories surface. Definitely get into therapy. If your partner isn't supportive of you, it's not worth the pain. It sounds like you may be entering into a difficult time in your life, and you don't need to deal with a S/O being invalidating. If your partner is supportive, however, definitely keep that person around.

If something does surface, allow yourself to experience it. Your brain is doing this to you now for a reason. If you start to feel kind of like you're floating or moving around like you're on a boat in the ocean, put your feet on the ground. Then, breathe in for four, hold for four, and breathe out for four. Do this at least 5 times, more if needed. It will help ground you. If grounding doesn't work and the memory comes anyway, it's okay. You survived the worst part of it already; the experience itself. You can survive this, too. Make sure you get in touch with some friends. Make yourself a bagel with too much cream cheese. Draw. Do whatever you need to to feel okay. And talk to your therapist. Also, we're all here for you!

I just realized, I meant "Don't listen to the people who say repressed memories DON'T happen"! Like I said later, though, repressed memories are very real. There's this group out there that says that recovered memories are false. Don't listen to them. I'm guessing you'll probably stumble across their site at some point, but DO NOT listen.
Okay, typo fixed. I bet that makes more sense!