Ugh, Halloween was really hard for me. It's never been difficult like that for me before. I cannot recall a time that I felt so awful.

Was it hard for anyone else? Why do you think it was hard for you?

I don't know if it's because I already felt very nervous and anxious due to the apt renovations debacle, so going home hasn't been the best thing anyway (I haven't really felt "normal" since all that happened). And it doesn't feel like "home" right now. Or because I just don't like feeling like my neighborhood is being raided (that sounds awful, I am sorry).

By the time I got home from work last night, I was trembling, my vision was blurry, my hearing super acute and I was short of breath and generally feeling horrible. I wanted to cry and scream at the same time (cry because it was taking forever to just get home and scream because people were being so stupid).

It was very stressful just getting home. The traffic was soo bad, and it was dark. Once I got to my hometown, people were darting all around, in and out of traffic, walking, riding on bicycles, there were kids all over the place standing in the streets. All I could do was drive super slow, with my fog lights on for extra help, and pray that I didn't run anyone over.

Then, when I actually got to my street, parking was a nightmare (more than usual) and I had to walk a distance just to get to my house. There were just too many people. Clumps and groups of people (having fun. to them). And lots of gangs of older kids from the other part of our city taking up the entire sidewalk.

I was exhausted from the drive, hungry and nervous and all I wanted to do was get to my home (and I was sooo irritable. I felt bad because I saw some of my neighbors having fun, giving out candy, and I was polite when they greeted me, but I was in a hurry and definitely did not stop to chat. I was on a mission).

I was even mildly irritated too that my next door neighbor was giving out candy because that meant screaming kids in our courtyard I just wanted peace and quiet (I know....totally ridiculous thinking).

Then, when I finally got inside it was past 8PM, my cat talking up a storm and running all over, and I could hear all of the little kids outside screaming and yelling, the big(ger) kids creating havoc, the parents using loud voices, and general traffic, I was not managing well. I tried my affirmations but it didn't really work. I brought food that afternoon and left it on the kitchen counter and proceeded to lock myself in my bathroom.

I finally went out to get my dinner, and I was sitting on the couch, eating, watching a movie, trying to distract myself, and suddenly! There was a loud explosion from right outside. At first I thought there was a major car crash... I jumped a mile. I looked out the window to see what was going on and I couldn't see anything. I think some stupid kids from another part of town lit a giant explosive firecracker thing in our little neighborhood I think I took 1 pill too many and went to sleep.

I hope next year will be better.

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

Ugh, Halloween was really hard for me. It's never been difficult like that for me before. I cannot recall a time that I felt so awful.

Was it hard for anyone else? Why do you think it was hard for you?

I don't know if it's because I already felt very nervous and anxious due to the apt renovations debacle, so going home hasn't been the best thing anyway (I haven't really felt "normal" since all that happened). And it doesn't feel like "home" right now. Or because I just don't like feeling like my neighborhood is being raided (that sounds awful, I am sorry).

By the time I got home from work last night, I was trembling, my vision was blurry, my hearing super acute and I was short of breath and generally feeling horrible. I wanted to cry and scream at the same time (cry because it was taking forever to just get home and scream because people were being so stupid).

It was very stressful just getting home. The traffic was soo bad, and it was dark. Once I got to my hometown, people were darting all around, in and out of traffic, walking, riding on bicycles, there were kids all over the place standing in the streets. All I could do was drive super slow, with my fog lights on for extra help, and pray that I didn't run anyone over.

Then, when I actually got to my street, parking was a nightmare (more than usual) and I had to walk a distance just to get to my house. There were just too many people. Clumps and groups of people (having fun. to them). And lots of gangs of older kids from the other part of our city taking up the entire sidewalk.

I was exhausted from the drive, hungry and nervous and all I wanted to do was get to my home (and I was sooo irritable. I felt bad because I saw some of my neighbors having fun, giving out candy, and I was polite when they greeted me, but I was in a hurry and definitely did not stop to chat. I was on a mission).

I was even mildly irritated too that my next door neighbor was giving out candy because that meant screaming kids in our courtyard I just wanted peace and quiet (I know....totally ridiculous thinking).

Then, when I finally got inside it was past 8PM, my cat talking up a storm and running all over, and I could hear all of the little kids outside screaming and yelling, the big(ger) kids creating havoc, the parents using loud voices, and general traffic, I was not managing well. I tried my affirmations but it didn't really work. I brought food that afternoon and left it on the kitchen counter and proceeded to lock myself in my bathroom.

I finally went out to get my dinner, and I was sitting on the couch, eating, watching a movie, trying to distract myself, and suddenly! There was a loud explosion from right outside. At first I thought there was a major car crash... I jumped a mile. I looked out the window to see what was going on and I couldn't see anything. I think some stupid kids from another part of town lit a giant explosive firecracker thing in our little neighborhood I think I took 1 pill too many and went to sleep.

I hope next year will be better.

sorry halloween was so hard for you, rose

for me it didon't really have an affect- few trick or treaters, lots of candy, and scary music... not too hard on me

[AngelWolf3]

I'm sorry Halloween was hard for you too, the explosion part would have completely knocked me off my rocker. Halloween has always been hard for me, well, for the last 5 years that is. I have my reasons for people in scary masks freaking me out to the point of panic attack. So yeah, seeing people running the streets in them, not so good. I don't even hand out candy. I totally sympathize with you. I hope I can get over it and maybe next year maybe go with my kids. I don't know.

Thinking of you and hope that you are feeling a bit better now that Halloween is past...

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose)))),

Holidays are always a challenge to those who struggle with PTSD because they feel disconnected. That is "normal" to the challenge of PTSD so know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. However, make sure that even though you feel the disconnect, you realize the gains you have made over the time you have been working through the PTSD. It is important that you continue to remind yourself that you "are" challenged right now, but, you are working at it and your goal is to continue to "learn" about yourself and develope a new way of "self appreciation" that will actually be "better" than before.

Rose, know that while it is difficult because others do not understand the "PTSD" challenge, there "are" those that do understand it and support you and understand your challenge and can also see how much you are slowly "gaining". And the more you work on sorting through your past and making "peace" with it that encourages you to "self love" and rise above, you will truely begin to be a stronger more balanced woman.

It was very good for you to express the way you felt on Halloween, it is important for you to understand the "why" behind it and to make sure you give yourself permission to form "new and more positive" ways for Rose to think of the "holidays".

With PTSD, the path to "healing and recovery" is to make sure you do not continue to send yourself "unhealing and negetive messages". Instead, your goal is to understand the "why" and self love and make a decision that you are going to now finally "move forward" and allow (((Rose))) to finally grow past the challenge. What this means Rose is that you are finally taking over for yourself and self nurturing "past" the mistakes that others have presented you with in your past. To know that you truely do not have to "accept" anything that is bad or sends you messages of "lack of worth" as a human being. Taking over "self nurturing" is making a "conscious commitment" to allow your brain to "learn" new and more positive, self loving and caring ways towards Rose finally gaining and balancing.

Self nurturing is making sure that you say to self, "I do not have to continue to feel sad or somehow damaged, instead I can actually become stronger and really grow".
" I can learn to "think for self" and no longer accept the information that others who were somehow "disfuctional" didn't encourage my sense of self worth". "I am not at any fault for the "ignorance" of others, I am now taking over my own future and sense of well being.

Getting through this stage of PTSD, which is called the "mourning stage" is realizing that there have been thought processes in your past that were "handed to you" and it truely was not "fair" to you as a human being. And you will begin to feel sad as you realize the "lack" and "how you may have had to adapt". However as you do this you will also keep "self loving" Rose, you will "forgive self" and "slowly take over the nurturing that you may have "missed" in your past. You will also realize that many "others" also lack and do not always recognize their lack either. As time passes you will no longer feel "threatened" by the ignorance of others, you will, infact, rise above in a much deeper understanding. And as you work through this stage, you will begin to experience more and more "balance" and "less and less stress" and "discontent".

Keep yourself open to the "yet" Rose, that will tell your brain, it is ok to heal and learn and grow and gain.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes